Survivors Of The Lost

04

I had returned to my room right after I was done with dinner. I couldn't even eat properly. I couldnt swallow the food. I was heartbroken. Just the thought of being a divorcee shaked me to the core.

I was sitting in my bed looking at my phone. People were continuously congratulating me, for my wedding. They didn't know yet.

A strangled laugh escaped my throat. I looked at the pictures clicked on the wedding day. I realized the flaws the picture had. I was the only one smiling. Rayyan's eyes were cold and distant whereas my eyes sparkled with happiness.

I swiped my phone. In this picture rayyan was looking at his wrist watch. He seemed to be in a hurry to go somewhere. I was laughing at something Aunt rukkaiyah told me. Why didnt I notice this? Why didnt I see this coming?

Among all the messages I have been getting, there was no one I could call mine. They were strangers. I didnt have friends. I never felt the need to have one. But now I craved for one. A shoulder to cry on. Someone who would cheer me up with Ice cream and sleepovers. Its not like Ma and umar didnt cheer me up or they dont make me happy. But you need a friend right? To whom you can tell everything and anything.

I turned off my phone and kept on the bedside table. That's when my gaze landed on the file. The divorce papers.

I took the file in my hand and flipped through the pages. Through the flipping papers the only thing I could make out with my blurry eyes were rayyan's signature.

I felt empty, lost, embarrassed, unwanted and unworthy. How could someone do that? To break my heart so badly. How can I still justify his doings?

Because you love him.

No I don't.

But I do.

I really do love him. In the last 6 months I devoted myself to him. I attached myself with the dreams of having a happy married life that It was difficult for me detached myself.

A lone tear escaped my eyes. I was tired of my life. I was tired of being used and thrown. I closed the file and kept it aside.

I got up, took my night dress and when to have a warm shower. Done with the shower I blow-dried my hair. I climbed into my bed to sleep when a slight knock startled me awake. I picked up shawl from the couch, opposite from the floor to ceiling window and opened the door.

Sleep almost covering her brown orbs, Ma stood there. Her hand on her mouth covering while she yawned. She smiled at me. "Can I come in?"

Her voice warmed me inside. I smiled and nodded at her. And let her in. She eyed the file that was laying on top of the bedside table.

She sat down on the bed and dragged me to the bed. Her hand felt soft. Whereas my hand was rough with mehendi almost on the brink of erasing.

"How are you feeling?" She asked me. Her voice laced with concern. Right then my heart burst with love for the women in front of me.

"Im feeling much better now" I ended it with a smile. A genuine one. The look of concern furrowed her brows. But when she realized that it was a genuine smile. The furrows between her brows disappeared.

"What have you thought?" Her question took me to the flashbacks of the past. I shook my head slightly to remove such thoughts. I think I have come to a conclusion. I didn't want to fight for a man who don't even want me or a person who used me. I deserve better. I nodded.

"Im going to divorce him." My sound wavered a little. I couldnt hide the sadness seeping through it. My eyes filled with tears. Ma hugged me. She started caressing my back.

I couldn't hold back the tears. I bit my lip until I tasted blood. I tried to hold back the sob. The strokes on my back made it difficult for me to stop it. I couldn't breathe.

Finally I let myself free in her arms. I let my feelings free. I couldn't hide it. I didn't want to. I didnt want to pretend to be strong anymore. Because Im not.

Im a weak, coward and a pathetic person.

I broke from her hug. I looked at her. Her eyes were moist. How can I be so lucky to have them?

Such caring and loving people in my life. Right then we heard someone clearing their throat near the door. Umar was standing there. Leaning against the door. He came inside and made a girly squeak which sounded like 'awww'. We smiled at him. His eyes shone with pity.

He sat on the bed. Just like Ma, he eyed the file and searched something in his pocket. When he finally found it he let out a relieved sigh. He directed the pen towards me and picked up file which too he directed towards me.

"Wanna do a good deed?" His eyes questioning, his voice a matured man one. I eyed them. Was this the right decision? What will happen later? What about the people? What talks will they make?

Whenever you feel that this is what you have to do and its the right decision. Do not think about any other things. What will happen later, will be dealt later. Just do whats right.

This is what my mom used to say. Im going to follow this. I took the paper and the pen. I turned the page. Just when I was about to sign my mind froze. I couldnt function properly. My hands started trembling. My hands turned to fists, my knuckles turning white.

Someone held my hand and opened the fist. Soothing the aching knuckles. But the pain didnt fade away. Because thats not the place where I felt pained.

It was my aching heart. There was where I felt pained and betrayed. I looked up and saw Ma, her eyes held a different kind of encouragement. She nodded at me. Means she agrees with my decision. She knows how hurting it is. She understands me. With the new found encouragement I held pen tightly.

I closed my eyes. I still couldn't do it. I cant. A voice inside encouraged me but another voice discouraged me. I was feeling helpless, unfit, unworthy.

I gripped the pen and signed it. The moment I finished signing, A different kind of happiness spread through me. A kind of freedom you feel after 21 days lockdown. It was like I'm not questionable to anyone. I felt at peace. I know Its going to be difficult to get through this phase but nothing is forever right?

"Now phone rayyan and tell him to collect the papers." Umar spoke. But I looked at the clock. "Isnt it too late to call?" I voiced out my thought.

"Oh Its definitely fine." Umar spoke again. I looked at Ma to see what she is saying. But she had that smile which told me whatever you do it's right kind of. So I picked up my phone and switched it on.

I handed the phone to Umar and gestured for him to call and talk to him. I didnt want to talk to him. The moment I talk to him Ill break down. The walls I made so high will crumble down. It won't take me a lot of time to change my decision and to beg him to not to do this.

"Hello" The voice felt so familiar but yet unknown. Rayyan had answered the phone. Although It was umar speaking I could feel myself trembling from inside. Ma placed her hand on my hand. It helped me calm down a little.

"The divorce papers has been signed. You can come pick it up."

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