Survivors Of The Lost

09

I carefully picked up the broken pieces of the doll and sticked it with glue. Although I had sticked all the pieces I had found. There was a missing piece. Just like my heart. It was late at night. It was 11.55 at night. Everyone were sleeping. I was the only one awake.

I picked up the doll and kept it on the side table. I washed my hand thoroughly and sat on the bed. I picked up my phone and just scrolled through the Instagram feed.

After around 5 minutes there was a knock on the door. Who could it be at this time? I was confused. I draped myself from the shawl and opened the door. But no one was there. Maybe it was my illusion? But I heard the sound clearly. Maybe I should check in the living room. When I took a step forward, I stepped on something.

I looked down to see a black envelope with red hearts all around them lying there. I picked up the envelope. There was nothing written on top so I opened the envelope. I took the paper to see a finely written letter.

Dear Ayah,

I know even this year you have forgotten your birthday. So here goes a reminder again.

Happy born day sisy... ♡

I once again forgot my birthday. I hit my forehead in a regretting way. I clenched the envelope tightly and went outside. The lights were switched off. When I further walked towards the living room. I stumbled into something.  Just when I was about to hit my butt to the floor again twice in a row someone caught my hand.

The lights suddenly went on. I blinked my eyes to sudden light emerging. I took in the surroundings. There wasn't much difference except for the cake in the middle of the  room and few balloons flying here and there. That too black balloons. Awwwww!!!

Umar was holding my hand. I steadied myself. My body tingled at the warm feeling spreading through me. They remembered my birthday even when I didnt.

I smiled at them with blurry eyes. Ma came up to me and handed me pretty blue rectangle box. It was a jewellery box.
It was no point in denying. She would force me to take the gift so I just smiled at her.

"Happy birthday beta" she said. Right then uncle Muhammad came up to me.  He just smiled at me and handed me an envelope.

I smiled at him gratefully. I turned to look at umar. I extended my hands to him, asking him my gift. He rolled his eyes. "There is no gift for you." He said turning around. I laughed at his childhood antics and turned to ma.

"Shall we cut the cake?" I asked her. She nodded at me. We all went around the circular table.

I looked at the cake. It was a circle cake. With chocolate and strawberry toppings. Just like I loved it. I blowed the candle and cut a piece of cake. I fed ma first then uncle Muhammad. Then I went to umar. He took the left over cake from my hand and handed me a blue box.

I looked at him confusingly. We chit chatted for awhile. I couldnt concentrate on the talkings. My gaze was on the gifts. Everyone bid each other goodnight and went into their respective rooms.

I picked up the gifts went into my room. I kept the gifts on my bed and went to brush my teeth. After I was done I went to the bed and picked up the gifts and my phone. I kept that on the study table and sat down. I opened ma's gift first to find a beautiful bracelet. In the middle my name on it. It was so beautiful. I placed it back in the box carefully. I opened the envelope uncle Muhammad had given to find vouchers of 2 malls. I smiled. I opened the blue box umar had given to find a porcelain doll which had my face.

I smiled at it. This was the best birthday I had since my parents passed away. But this was not it. There was a small diary inside the box. I pulled it out to see a beautiful black diary. Black colour is my favourite. So he got everything he could in black. I laughed at that. I opened the book. The first page was blank. I took out a pen from the pen holder. I wrote on the first page. The name Ayah ahamed khan shone so proudly.

I missed them so much on my birthday. My mom, rizwana and my dad, ahamed. It pierced through my heart when Im happy they are not here. I closed my eyes. A tear flowed through my cheek and fell onto the page. I gripped the pen tightly.

On my birthday last year, my marriage was fixed with rayyan. I was so happy. I thought it was the best gift I could get on my birthday. I was so stupid to be so happy, so Excited for the the new life which ended even before it started. I turned the page and started writing.

Dont call it love
Just because you fought so hard
To keep it
Thats wanting more than loving.
Pulling things to your chest
That never belonged there.
Holding them tight.
Hating them when they fight to leave.
Hating yourself when you cant make them stay.

Happy birthday to myself...!!

I closed the diary and kept it in the drawer. I picked up the other gifts and kept it safely in the wardrobe drawer. When I turned to bed, there was something black under the bed. I focused with concentration. It was a men's wallet but whose? I went closer to the bed. I bent down and picked up the wallet. It seemed pretty expensive. Umar didnt have this kind of wallet. I opened the wallet. A bundle of notes were sacked in it.

There was a ID card. The picture was of the man I found in the park and the man whom Umar had brought home yesterday. His name is shayan imran. There was a picture also. Shock would be an understatement.

That picture was of eram and shayan. What relation does they both have? Does umar know about this?

Questions swirled through my head making me feel weak. I was afraid that they both shared an intimate relationship. I was afraid of getting Umar's heart broken. I didnt want him to be like me.

Broken.

I quickly got up and sat down on the bed with wallet on my hand. I wanted to talk to umar right away. But I was afraid of what he had to say. Or what would happen to him.

I hated myself for this. I try to be strong. But I can't . I'm such a corward. I couldn't cry in front of everyone when my parents passed away because I was afraid that people would consider me weak and stupid. I couldn't vent out my anger to rayyan because I was afraid that he would not take me seriously and would mock at me for even thinking that we had a chance. I couldn't stand up to my bullies. I couldnt make friends because I was afraid of rejection. I was afraid of letting people know what I feel. I was afraid they will think Im stupid.

I couldn't muster enough courage to wear burka although I wanted to because I was afraid I wouldn't be able to answer the questions which will arouse in the society. I didnt dare to dream about my marriage because I was afraid that day wil never come as I'm a divorcee now. And now I'm afraid of breaking my little brother's heart. I couldn't breathe.

I couldn't think of anything to do right now. I laid back on my bed, my legs dangling down. The wallet still in my hand. This vulnerability I was feeling, I was afraid it will drown me one day.

I was afraid I wouldn't be able to breathe again. This feeling, I wanted it to go away. I wanted to break free from the boundaries I had set. I wanted to make some friends. Who would know me better than myself. Who would know something is wrong even before I figure it out. I wanted to live my life.

I sighed. These all seemed a fantasy to me. The silent tears, yet again flowed down my eyes. Making patches on the both side of the bed, making it wet. I was fed up of my life. I couldn't do it anymore. This was so difficult. I smiled through my tears. I am so gonna get through this.

I can and I will.

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Ufffff...
Poor Ayah.
So what do you think?
How is shayan and eram related?