Everything I Need

7

Today is December 14th and it has been 15 days since the insemination process. Lauren has stressed herself out about the procedure not working and is worried it may take us a few tries before it works. She even said that she might not be able to conceive and that she's probably to old. She said she knew she wouldn't necessarily feel pregnant but was hoping to feel something. Like I told her though, she's not to old and with all the labs and tests that were done, nothing proved she wouldn't be able to get pregnant.

Since I woke up early this morning, I decided to go get breakfast and stop by Walgreens for a pregnancy test, or two, especially since Lauren's period has not started. When I get back home, I am greeted by a very still sleepy looking wife walking into the kitchen. "Morning baby" I say as I sit our breakfast down on the island. Lauren smiles as she walks over and pecks my lips. "Okay, let's eat breakfast then I have something for you to do." She eyes me suspiciously but to my surprise doesn't question me.

Once we are finished eating, I grab the bag with the two pregnancy tests and hand it to Lauren. Once she looks in the bag, she looks up at me and asks "do you think I should take them? I don't have any symptoms other than my period hasn't started. I'm just scared it didn't work but I do want to know."

I take Lauren's hand in mine and lead her to the bathroom. "We will do this together my love. Dr. Davis said we needed to wait 14 days for an at home test and it's been 15. I know you have been so worried about it so let's just check and see but only if you want to." She nods and gets both pregnancy tests out. She looks at me for reassurance then proceeds to take both tests then lays them on the bathroom counter. We walk back into the bedroom and sit on the edge of the bed to wait on the tests.

I sit and watch the clock, just waiting. Once it's been long enough, Lauren and I make our way back to the bathroom. I take her hand in mine and softly say "together" because I can tell how worried she is. I slowly and softly caress her cheek "it's going to be okay." She nods and gives my hand a squeeze. We take a few steps forward until we reach the counter. "We will look at them on the count of three." She nods and squeezes my hand again. "One... two... three."

The sight of one negative pregnancy test is a little heartbreaking but the sight of two is even worse. I hear a muffled cry beside me as Lauren breaks down crying. I quickly wrap my arms around her and pull her against my chest. "I'm sorry Kyler... I-I..." she cries against my shoulder as her body shudders slightly.

"Baby, you have nothing to be sorry for, it's not your fault..." she cries even more and my heart breaks for us but mostly for her. "Baby, I know this was something you desperately wanted, something I wanted but we will get through this. I never want to see you cry unless it's tears of joy and that definitely isn't the case right now. Please calm down." I hold her tight as I'm comforting her.

"It is my fault." Lauren mumbles between sobs. "Maybe something is wrong with me or maybe like I said before, I am already too old or..." Before she can say anything else, I pick her up bridal style, walk out of the bathroom and lay her down on our bed. I lay down beside her and wrap her in my arms. With one hand, I run a hand through her hair to help calm her down as the other rubs her back. "Baby, it's not your fault so don't you dare think that. You were told everything was fine and you know Dr. Davis said it may take a few tries. Or many we checked to soon." I explain as I try to reassure her.

Lauren presses herself against me as her tears freely fall and I tighten my arms around her. Even though this was only our first try, I was really hoping for a positive test result. We knew the odds going into this but it doesn't make it any less heartbreaking. I don't like to see my wife hurting or upset and definitely not broken but that's what I see and I'm trying my best to be strong for my wife. I wanted us to start a family too and I'm hurt over it but I'm more hurt at what it's doing to Lauren. This was something she has wanted since before we even met.

I know some people try for years to get pregnant and sometimes never have any luck. I feel bad for being upset since this was our first try but it's so disappointing. I can only imagine how Lauren feels and will do anything I can to reassure her that we can have what we want even if we have to go about it in a different way.

"We will start a family, I promise you." I whisper softly as I rub up and down her back. "We might not have gotten lucky this time but we will try again and again and again if we have to. If that doesn't work then... I will try. We will find a donor that closely matches you and I will try. I promise to try and be everything you need baby and will do whatever I have to."

Lauren turns her head and her nose brushes against my cheek. I hear her sniffle then say "you would do that? I love you so much Kyler. You... you are everything I need, a baby... a baby was just something I wanted. I don't know what I would do without you but as long as I have you, then you are everything I need. Thank you. Thank you for loving me."

I kiss Lauren's temple "yes I would do that for us and I love you too, so very much. There's no need to thank me because I will do anything and everything I can for you, for us. We will get through this and I'm the one that should be thankIng you for loving me. Regardless of anything that happens, you will always have me. You have always had me."