Everything I Need

69

   Just as mom finishes talking, Julia and the nurse from earlier come walking into the waiting room. "Mrs James, I have news on your wife and I was informed you have an injured hand we need to take care of."

   I look at the nurse and brace myself for her news. "Your wife is out of surgery and currently in a post op recovery room. She will be taken to a regular room in a few minutes after they finish monitoring her post op vitals. She is still asleep but should wake up soon."

   I nod my head and release a deep breath I didn't even realize I was holding. "So she is okay now?" I ask with concern in my voice and tears of joy in my eyes. I feel so relieved that she is out of surgery and hopefully okay.

   "She is okay and Dr. Walsh will come to your wife's room and talk to y'all about everything as soon as your wife is awake. I also can tell you that your daughter weighs four and a half pounds and is 17.2 inches long. Now let's go get your hand checked out."

   I didn't get good news when the nurse took me to X-ray my hand after cleaning my bloody knuckles. My middle, ring and pinky fingers on my right hand are fractured. It sucks because I'm right handed and now I'm stuck in a cast for a few weeks but I know it's my own fault.

   Mom, dad and Julia were in the room with Lauren when I got up here after having my hand taken care of. She had finally been brought up from post op recovery and they were hoping she would be awake when she was brought to her room but she wasn't. Mom, dad and Julie decided to give me alone time with my wife so they went down to the cafeteria to get something to eat. At first they tried getting me to go also but after multiple failed attempts they finally realized I was not leaving Lauren.

   I'm currently sitting in Lauren's hospital room and she still hasn't woken up and I am getting worried. I didn't think she would still be asleep from the anesthesia but she is and I hope like hell that something is not wrong. This just doesn't make sense. After surgery, the nurse said Lauren would be awake soon but it's been two hours since she came out of surgery. Dr. Walsh was supposed to come by too but she hasn't either.

   I have my chair pulled up beside Lauren's hospital bed and I'm holding her hand with my left one. I just need to feel her touch and for her to know that I'm right here. "Please wake up baby. I can't take this anymore. I need to see your beautiful eyes, hear your beautiful voice and feel your beautiful, addictive lips again. You... you have to see our daughter. She needs you, I need you. I can't do this without you." I kiss Lauren's hand then lay my head down on our joined hands.

   My eyes start to close but there's suddenly a knock on the door and my eyes fly open. I sit up in the chair as the door opens and Dr. Walsh walks into the room. "Hey, sorry I haven't come by already. I had a scheduled surgery I had to do."

   I nod my head in understanding. "When will Lauren wake up? Is something wrong?" I quickly ask.

   Dr. Walsh walks over to the bed, puts her stethoscope on and listens to my wife's breathing. She checks all of Lauren's vitals then walks over to the little sofa in here and sits down. "Mrs. James should be awake soon. There were no more complications during surgery once we stopped the bleeding. I know it can be concerning but her body went through a lot with the emergency c-section then the hemorrhage. Her body is in recovery mode to heal. Please just be patient."

   I shake my head and swallow hard. "I just... I'm... I'm scared. We lost our son and she doesn't even know yet. I'm scared to lose her too. I can't... I can't imagine my life without her." I feel a lump in my throat and I fight back the tears forming in my eyes. I don't want to cry again. I have cried enough already and I am usually not a very emotional person but when it comes to my wife I definitely am.

   Dr. Walsh gets up, walks over to me and puts a hand on my shoulder. "I understand. I promise you though, if I knew or thought something was wrong, I wouldn't be in here talking and Mrs. James wouldn't be in here either."

   I nod my head and say "okay." Then ask, "W-When... When can I see our daughter? It's been over two hours and I haven't even been able to see her yet."

   Dr. Walsh sits back down and clears her throat. "Taytum is in the NICU where she will have to stay for at least two or three weeks. At 34 weeks, a baby's lungs are not quite fully developed so we put them in an incubator and monitor their breathing and allow their lungs to finish developing. We have to regulate their body temperature and their immune system is also very low and that is another reason they are put in an incubator. Unfortunately, we can't take her out just yet for you or your wife to hold because it will put her at risk."

   I sigh because I understand but at the same time I want to see my daughter up close and hold her. I know Lauren will want to also once she is awake.

   "However" Dr. Walsh says "I will take you and one other person to the NICU to see her. I will have her moved over to the windows so you can get a good look. This will have to be done during the first 24 to 48 hours while we monitor her. You can go and look in as much as you like just try to keep it to two people at a time. We have other parents checking in on their baby's also. After 24 to 48 hours, then you will be able to go into the NICU, put a gown on, wash your hands then reach into the incubator for skin to skin contact with your daughter."

   I sigh and slightly nod my head as my eyes are fixed on Lauren. Dr. Walsh stands and walks back over to me. "Mrs. James, I am sorry your son didn't make it. I know that doesn't take the hurt away but I am truly sorry. If you are ready, I will show you to the NICU. Is there anyone else here that you want to come with you?"

   I sniffle "yes, let me call her." Dr. Walsh walks towards the door and waits for me to make the phone call. "Mom" I say as she answers on the first ring. "Two people can go down to the NICU to see Taytum. Will you come with me?"