Everything I Need

44

I'm really glad that I continued with therapy after initially just going for Mike kidnapping me and everything that happened with that situation. I didn't realize it but I really needed to work through a lot of other things even though the majority of everything revolved around that asshole. As my therapy sessions have progressed from the kidnapping, we have been working through my relationship with Mike and my marriage to him. Today though, we started discussing my relationship with Kyler and a little about my pregnancy.

I was already emotional today thanks to my hormones then lunch with Kyler and her bringing me flowers added to it. It's stupid to get emotional over flowers but she is the only one to ever give me flowers. The entire time I was with Mike, he never once got me flowers, not even for a special occasion.

Of course therapy has made me more emotional and has a lot running through my mind as I'm heading home. With the traffic, I have more time to think about everything we discussed this afternoon and my thoughts and feelings are all over the place. I know my therapist said we needed to discuss all of it but... it was just a lot to process once we talked and analyzed everything and it caused me to feel so stupid about decisions I have made in my life.

After the whole ordeal of Mike cheating, me filing for divorce and the Kyler situation, I tried to distance myself from her. Hell, even before I filed for divorce, I tried to distance myself from her because I was so confused about my growing feelings towards her and I shut down everything she came up with about us being together. I even used the whole age excuse which was stupid on my part considering the age difference between Mike and I was greater but I was struggling for any reason I could give. The truth is, I knew what it was like dating someone older. I knew what you miss out on, give up, go through and how unhappy it can make you. I didn't want Kyler to go through what I did. She deserved better than that. She deserved to always feel loved and not just feel like someone's property.

I finally realized though, that was just what I went through with Mike and that not every relationship would be like that even if there was an age difference like mine and Kyler's. I was confused, scared and so hurt from how Mike had treated me plus a relationship with Kyler was just wrong considering our entire situation. It's bad that it took her being in my life such a short time to make me realize that I was so unhappy and actually deserved better. I feel so stupid that I tried hanging on to a love that was never really there. It was okay for my marriage to fail because at least I put all my effort into trying to make it work but I was the only one. I basically confused infatuation for love when I met him. I thought it was love but it was far from that. He was a manipulative, lying, cheating, controlling and egotistical asshole. I only wish I would have realized that sooner.

Talking about Kyler today though, also made me feel like such a selfish and terrible person for convincing Mike to have her move here. It wasn't fair to her at all but I wanted him to repair his relationship with her or at least try. When her mom passed away I thought it was a perfect chance for the two of them to reconnect and be father and daughter. She deserved to have him in her life or so I thought until I found out that he was actually the one that made the decision to not have anything to do with her. I never considered what she wanted or if the move would even be good for her. I know this doesn't mean anything, but in my defense when he gave in and called Mary, she even thought it was a good idea for Mike and Kyler to start fresh even though she knew how he was actually the one at fault for their non-existent relationship.

I didn't feel it was right for us to have a baby when he already had a kid that needed a parent, well actually two kids as I later found out about Kyle. I knew it would give me a chance to see what type of father he would be. Obviously if I was unsure about having a baby with him I should have realized it wasn't a good idea. You would think someone as smart as me wouldn't be so stupid but I was blinded by my want to be a mother and have a child of my own and thought that was what he wanted for us too but I was so wrong.

I owe Kyler an apology for being so selfish. I'm surprised she doesn't hate me for what I've done and the fact that I ruined her life. I wouldn't blame her one bit if she wanted to walk away from me and never have anything to do with me again. I wouldn't blame her if deep down she hated me because right now I kind of hate myself.

I rest my hand on my baby bump as I'm slowly driving in the 5 o'clock traffic. I can't believe how much my body is changing but I love every minute of it. My baby bump is growing bigger, along with my appetite that's increasing, my pregnancy cravings are as Kyler says "crazy" and my sex drive is through the roof. It seems like I am horny all the time now, more than before, like at school today. The simple action of Kyler bringing me flowers for no reason in particular and food turned me on. It's crazy because I never enjoyed sex before Kyler but it's like she awoken something in me and I never want it to go away then add pregnancy hormones to the mix for an even more increased sex drive and I'm pretty insatiable.

I never knew I could feel so... good, so... fulfilled, so... satisfied from sex. I think I'm addicted to the feeling and to Kyler. The way she is so in tune with my body, my needs and my wants just does something to me. When Kyler first made love to me, that was the first time I had ever orgasmed and the feeling that washed over me is... unexplainable and I swear I was seeing stars. That was honestly the first time anyone had made love to me.

Like I said, I never enjoyed sex before, it was always 15 minutes or less and just for him to get what he wanted. There was no love involved, no connection and I always felt so empty afterwards. Mike was my first and the only person I had been with until Kyler. God, it sounds so wrong that I was married to him and now to his daughter. I hate to know what other people think of me. Sometimes I feel horrible when I think about everything because I know it was wrong to ever entertain the idea of being with Kyler. I craved attention, affection but most of all, love and I received all of that from her even before we were together. Hell she paid me more attention when we first met than Mike had the previous six months.

To say I got weak in the knees when I first met Kyler would be an understatement. I literally got lightheaded from forgetting to breathe. Her beauty and the sparks I felt with her literally took my breath away. After our initial stare down when I first opened the door, which caused me to feel things in places I shouldn't have, I wanted to know everything about her. I was confused on so many levels because I had never felt like that before by just looking at someone or from the way she was looking at me with desire in her eyes. I definitely had never felt anything for another woman. I was scared but intrigued at the same time and didn't know what was going on with me.

I had never seen Kyler before, not even from pictures since Mike didn't have any. I felt very connected to Kyler like I already knew her but I didn't. I instantly felt relaxed, safe and cared for around her. It was like I had an instantaneous trust for her even though I didn't even know anything about her.

It was an amazing and invigorating feeling with the sparks and instant connection I felt. You know, that feeling in your gut that makes you feel like you could take flight from the high or vomit from the anxiety-induced nausea. Yeah, that was me. I couldn't help but feel giddy every time that Kyler came a bit too close, closer than she should have been, when we would almost touch, when she would happen to touch me or our arms would brush against each other's. The hand on my lower back, even though at the time it was highly inappropriate, just sent a warm tingling feeling over my entire body. Butterflies... butterflies were what I felt. I knew I was seriously feeling things I didn't understand and had never felt before. I was feeling things that I shouldn't be feeling for her of all people but I craved more and at the same time I hated myself for that. I wanted to pull her in and push her away at the same time. I thought something was wrong with me or I was having an early mid life crisis so to speak.