Everything I Need

71

It has been 48 hours since Taytum was delivered and put in the NICU. Which means it's also been 48 hours since we lost Taylor. I am physically recovering well after the emergency c-section but I'm not so sure about it emotionally. It's just hard to wrap my head around how everything quickly took a turn for the worse. Mom had mentioned that everything happens for a reason and maybe it just wasn't meant for us to have two babies right now. I understand what she meant but that doesn't make the reality of this hurt any less.

Kyler has made numerous trips to the NICU to look in on our little girl. I love seeing how excited she is and I wish I could feel the same excitement but I don't. I haven't even walked down there yet to see Taytum because everytime I think about going to see her, I'm faced with the harsh reality that I'm missing one of my baby's. I get up to go but once we reach the door to my room I just can't so I get back into bed and cry until I fall asleep. It's been a long, stressful and painful 48 hours for both of us but Kyler has been great. She had been so understanding and patient with me and I am grateful for that.

Kyler talked to Dr. Walsh, while she thought I was asleep, about how I was handling everything. Dr. Walsh assured her that I was just going through the normal motions of losing a child. She told Kyler to be patient with me and give me time but she would keep a check on me. I know my wife has been and still is worried about me and I'm trying. I know losing Taylor was hard on her too but... it's just been hard for me to process. I carried him in my womb for 34 weeks and in no time he was taken from us before we ever got a chance to meet him, hold him or really love on him. He will never get to know how much he was loved.

Another day has passed and I feel a little better this morning even though the pain from losing a baby is still there but today seems a little more manageable. Today is a new day and also the day that we are finally supposed to see Taytum inside the NICU and interact with her instead of just looking through a glass window. This will also be my first time actually seeing her, if I can even make it there. Dr. Walsh said our baby is doing really well breathing on her own and that after a week we should be able to actually hold her.

Kyler went down to the cafeteria to get breakfast and coffee while I'm waiting for my breakfast. As soon as we finish eating, we are going to the NICU to see our little girl. I close my eyes as I'm laying here to get a quick break from reality. I wish once I open my eyes, I would have both of my babies instead of just one. I don't know if I can do this. I don't know if I can see her yet.

"Lauren?" Kyler quietly whispers as she walks back into my room and sees me just laying in bed with my eyes closed. She walks over to my bed and softly caresses my cheek.

"Yes?" I reply quietly as I open my eyes to look at my wife.

Kyler looks at me for a moment with worry filled eyes. "Are you going to be okay?" She finally ask. I can see her eyes watering and I hate how much I'm worrying her. I nod yes my head in response as I sigh and adjust the bed to sit up. My eyes connect with hers again and she searches mine for reassurance. "Okay..." Kyler finally says and wraps her arms tightly around me and places a kiss on the side of my head. "I love you." She mumbles against my hair and I wrap my arms around her and just hold onto her for a few seconds.

"I love you too" I finally say as I pull away from our hug when the door opens and a nurse walks in with my tray of breakfast. I softly kiss Kyler's lips before she completely moves away and takes a seat in the chair that's still beside my bed. A faint smile ghosts her face as she sits down and brings her fingers to her lips then opens her tray of breakfast. We eat our breakfast in silence and occasionally glance at each other until I feel Kyler staring at me. I look at her but before I can say anything she blurts out "you are so beautiful."

I can't stop the grin that graces my lips as I feel the butterflies in my stomach. I love her so damn much and I know this has all been hard on her. I motion for Kyler to come to me and she leans forward in her chair but freezes when I whisper "stand up and come here." Her eyes stay locked with mine as she stands up and leans down towards me. I reach for the back of her head and pull her closer then silently capture her lips in a passionate kiss. Kyler's left hand rests against my thigh as she attempts to hold herself up and get closer to me. I move my hand to the back of her shirt and grab ahold of it as I feel wetness against my face from her tears and my own. We break the kiss and just hold each other tight as we both release the pain and hurt we still feel.

"Kyler," I whisper as I pull away. "I'm... I'm ready to see our little girl." She nods in understanding and stands up with a smile on her face and offers me her hand. I put my feet in the slippers mom bought for me and we leave my room to make our way to the NICU. The pain is still too fresh from losing Taylor and I know it will never fully go away but I have to press on for Taytum. I need to see my daughter. I need to feel some sort of happiness for her instead of just pain. It's not her fault that her twin didn't make it but I feel like I have been punishing her for it by not going to see her.

Once we get to the NICU, we put gowns on then wash our hands. A nurse leads us to Taytum's incubator and my heart is pounding so hard I can feel it in my ears. I look at the paper on her incubator bed where it has her information, Taytum Elizabeth James, 4.5 pounds and 17.2 inches long, born July 8. When I finally glance down at my daughter I whisper "oh my God."

With a shaky hand, I reach into one of the arm holes on the incubator at the same time Kyler is reaching in on the other side with her good hand. I gently hold Taytums little hand between my first finger and thumb and I burst into tears immediately. "Baby," Kyler whimpers as her own tears fall as she is holding onto Taytum's other little hand. We make eye contact with each other and immediately smile through our tears at the overwhelming feeling.

"She's so small and... perfect." I say as I release her hand and gently caress our daughter's cheek.

Kyler chuckles, "that she is and so beautiful just like her mommy." I give her a playful glare then turn my attention back to our daughter. I watch our little girl as Kyler talks to her and my heart melts at the interaction.

As I take hold of Taytum's little hand again, my attention is pulled to Kyler when she says "I love you and I am so proud of you baby. I'm always proud of you but you... you gave us our daughter. I don't know if I could ever go through pregnancy and labor. This all scared me."

"I love you too," I say to my wife as I feel my eyes watering again "and I love our little girl." I guess if we want more kids then I will be the one to carry again. I was hoping Kyler would want the experience but I understand the effect this had on her and it scared me too. I can't force her to carry and I definitely would not pressure her or guilt trip her into doing something she doesn't want to do.