Everything I Need

50

"Mike worked late, was gone on work trips a lot but he actually spent time with me when he was home. Of course his spending time with me mainly consisted of him trying to have sex. I always tried to keep him happy so he wouldn't lash out at me after the first time he did. The first time he yelled and degraded me verbally, I thought it was a one time thing and maybe he'd just had a bad day at work. I was definitely wrong though. He had a tendency to lash out a good bit especially when he didn't get what he wanted. Even though I wasn't happy, I went along with anything he wanted. I cut ties to my friends like he wanted and didn't see my family much."

"Gradually though, I stopped giving in to his wants so easily, which included his sexual advances too because I honestly did not enjoy it. It wasn't love, it was just sex for him and I wanted and needed to feel loved, not... used but that's all I felt every damn time. W-When I would have sex with him it was because h-he... he would threaten me. He never actually hit me but... he would hold me down a little too tight or tell me if I didn't do it, I wouldn't like what happened." I feel Kyler's arms tense up, her breathing pick up and I know she is getting mad.

I break down and start crying because I feel so many different emotions admitting all of this to her. Kyler somehow moves so we are laying flat on the couch facing each other. She drapes an arm over me and slips her hand under the back of my shirt. Slowly, she skims her fingertips up and down my warm back and as usual her touch is all I need to calm down. I close my eyes and soak in her comforting touch as I gradually stop crying. It feels good to talk about all of this with someone besides my therapist even though it's hard but I'm just going to continue until she asks me to stop or until I stop.

"A-About four months before you moved here, Mike started changing and was more like the man I first met. He was loving, caring, wasn't working as late and even apologized numerous times for the way he had been treating me. Of course I forgave him and was happy to have the man that swept me off my feet back."

"Two months before you moved here, he started talking about starting a family. He knew how I felt about that because I had mentioned numerous times after two years of marriage that I wanted to have a baby but he always shut it down. He knew I desperately wanted to have kids. I don't think he ever actually wanted kids. However, he gradually talked about it more and more and it made me happy that he wanted the same thing but I couldn't get over the fact that he had a child already. I wasn't upset because of you, I was upset that he basically didn't even know you. No matter how many times he told me that your mom wouldn't let him have anything to do with you, something didn't feel right about that. I was honestly worried about having a baby with him, not knowing if maybe he was the one that cut ties with you and I didn't want him to do the same thing again. I started asking him more about you and even asked for the custody papers but he claimed he didn't know where they were and finally claimed he had lost them while moving."

"He tried to be very convincing about how much he wanted kids with me but something just didn't seem right. I wanted proof that he legally couldn't have anything to do with you because the things he had said always made it seem like it was his choice to not have anything to do with you."

"He still pushed for us to have a baby and was under the impression that I had stopped taking birth control so I could get pregnant. Of course, I hadn't stopped, I just kept them hidden in my purse because his lack of relationship and effort with you really bothered me. I constantly told him to reach out to your mom, make amends and try for you because it was ridiculous that he didn't know anything about you. He would brush me off when I tried to talk to him about you until I finally told him that I would not have a baby with him unless he put forth the effort to mend his relationship with you, get to know you and prove that he could be a good father. Then your mom passed away and even though I didn't know you, my heart hurt so much for you."

I close my eyes and swallow the lump in my throat because I still cannot fathom how a parent could ever act like their child doesn't even exist. I open my eyes to look at Kyler and she pulls me closer and places a soft kiss to the tip of my nose, then to my lips. I breathe in and bury my face in the crook of her neck and she just holds me.

"The week before you moved here, he had started working really late again but was loving towards me when he was home. I know I should have walked away and left him before but I was actually scared. I was scared of what he might do to me and because he was quite possessive over me and never hesitated to threaten me in some way. Plus, I had never truly been on my own. I didn't have anything except the income from my job and my inheritance that wouldn't last forever if I started using it. I know I probably could have made it just fine but I let fear take over and I stayed."

"You basically know everything that happened after you moved here. You heard Mike and I arguing off and on and saw how he was when he was actually home, which wasn't a lot. I made a promise to myself that I would not have a baby with him, especially after the way he acted with you when you moved here. The more I found out about him from you, I started to hate him and I mean really hate him. He was not the man I thought he was, that's for sure and he definitely hadn't changed."

"Mike's semi relationship with you always seemed forced from his side. He had a tendency to throw money at things and people as a way to make everything okay. My whole marriage to him was a big joke. I honestly didn't know why he even wanted to marry me. Hell, I still don't know why he wanted to marry me."

"When I found out he was cheating on me, I knew deep down that it had probably been going on since we had first started dating. I was hurt, mad, ashamed and just... I felt like a fool. He used me and I let him without even realizing it. Or refusing to realize it. I'm not stupid by no means but it's not like I was going to talk to mom or my sister about any of it and I had already cut ties with what few friends I'd had from college so I was on my own."

"Even though I wasn't happy, I never believed I could find anyone else that would actually love me like I thought he did, like he claimed he did. I never believed that I could ever leave him either. That was until you came along. You told me numerous times that I could do better, deserved better and eventually I believed that too. After the whole cheating thing, I'd had enough and knew I had to leave. I hated to leave you there in an already strained relationship with him but I felt like I was drowning. I finally felt like it was time I put myself first and did what was best for me not just physically but emotionally."

Kyler's hand softly rubs up and down my back and she whispers "I love you. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry you went through all of that."

I shake my head no because Kyler is not at fault for anything Mike had done. "You have nothing to apologize for because none of that was your fault. Thank you for listening, I truly needed that. I don't want to keep all of this in and cause unnecessary stress. I have kept all of this to myself until talking about it in therapy and it's a weight off me to talk to you about all of it even though it may not be ideal."