Everything I Need

75

   It's near the end of the first week in September now and we have settled in nicely at home with Taytum. We have a great routine going with her for feedings, nap time and bedtime. She is such a good baby and usually wakes up just one time during the night to be fed and get a clean diaper. Our daughter is such a good baby which Lauren and I are both thankful for. She definitely loves to eat too and tries to guzzle her bottle down quickly.

   Lauren has been so tired lately and taking naps off and on with Taytum and it's precious to see. I try to take naps with the both of them too but I have been busy off and on since we have been home. I had the job offer emails to go through and decisions to make. Apparently Lauren had forgotten all about my job offers because she has not mentioned it since the day at the hospital when we were going to hold our daughter for the first time. To be fair though, having a newborn at home is a big adjustment but I have loved every minute of it. I know I should have talked to her about my three job options but I chose the one I felt was the best for us as a family.

   It's five in the afternoon and Taytum has been down for a nap for about two hours and Lauren is laying on the couch taking a nap too. I took care of the laundry and put everything up while both of them slept. Lauren had been up since four this morning so I know she is definitely tired.

   Just as I sit down in the living room, loud cries come through the baby monitor so I jump to my feet and hurry to the nursery. I reach over into the crib, pick Taytum up and try to calm her down so hopefully she doesn't wake Lauren. I talk to her as I place her on the changing table to change her diaper before feeding her. "Hey there my little angel," I tenderly speak as Taytum looks up at me. She kicks her little legs when I get the dirty diaper off of her and I laugh lightly as she continues to work her little legs. She was definitely happy to get that dirty diaper off.

   After cleaning and putting a clean diaper on Taytum, I snap her onesie close, pick her up and as soon as she is laying in my arms she starts crying again. We make our way towards the kitchen and I'm met in the hallway with Lauren walking towards us. "Here's her bottle or I can feed her." She says in a sleepy voice.

   "I've got her baby. You go back to sleep if you want to." I peck Lauren's lip as I take the bottle and head back to the nursery. I glance down at Taytum's little red, scrunched up face as she continues to cry for her bottle and I know it's not funny that she's crying but her little face is so cute. As soon as I sit down in the rocking chair, I gently place the tip of the bottle's nipple against her full little lips and watch as she quickly sucks it into her mouth.

   I happen to look up from Taytum and Lauren is standing propped against the door frame just watching us. She has a smile on her beautiful face as she says "I love watching you with our daughter, you are such a good momma." I smile at my wife then glance back down at Taytum. She is a little over halfway done with the bottle so I carefully pull it from her mouth which causes her to cry again. I gently place her against my chest and pat her back to burp her.

   Suddenly Taytum burps so I carefully situate her back in my arms and offer her the bottle again. She quickly sucks it back into her mouth and makes the cutest little noises as she enjoys the rest of her bottle. I hold her closer and place a kiss on her forehead and breathe in the lavender scented baby wash and her baby scent.

   I turn my attention back to the doorway of the nursery and Lauren is still standing there but seems to be lost in thought. Before I can ask her what she is thinking, a loud sucking noise turns my attention back to Taytum and her now empty bottle. I pries the bottle from her little mouth and Lauren walks over to me and takes the bottle then retreats to the kitchen. I place Taytum against my chest again to burp her one last time before rocking her back to sleep.

   After burping Taytum again, I gently lay her back down in my arms and start rocking. As I'm watching her, her heavy little blue eyes are looking up at me then closes as she yawns. I just can't get over how beautiful she is and how much she looks like Lauren and me. It also makes me wonder what Taylor would have looked like and I feel my eyes start to water. Ughh, I swear I have become an emotional mess the past couple months and I wasn't the one pregnant.

   Once I think Taytum is for sure back asleep, I carefully walk over to her crib. "Nighty night my sweet angel. I love you." I coo as I lightly kiss her cheek then lay her in her crib. I listen to her deep breathing then quietly step away after taking one more glance at our precious daughter.

   I make my way to the kitchen to see if Lauren's still in there but she isn't. I look over to the living room but she isn't there either so I make my way to our bedroom. She will be heading back to work teaching because school starts in a week. She actually goes tomorrow to set up her classroom and situate anything she needs to at school before the actual first day so maybe she is going to bed early.

   I walk into our bedroom and Lauren has just unbuttoned her shirt and I ask "are you okay baby?" As soon as she hears my voice, she looks at me and stops from taking her shirt off. She just holds it closed as she continues to look at me with a look of panic in her eyes.

   "I just... leaked a little onto my shirt and I needed to clear my head." Lauren finally says in an almost embarrassed voice as she looks down. I walk over to where she is standing and stop in front of her. I gently raise her face back up to look at her but she averts her eyes away from mine.

   "Don't do that baby, you know we were told and read that it's normal for that to happen. Please look at me baby, it's okay, nothing to be embarrassed about. Why do you need to clear your head though?"

   Lauren tightens her grip on her shirt. "I just... I get so turned on watching you take care of our daughter. Really turned on because it's sexy as hell and..." her face turns red at her admission and it's absolutely adorable. "I know I've been holding out on you even after I was given the okay from Dr. Walsh to resume our umm... sexual activities. I never let it go far when we have make-out and I know it's not fair to you. It's not because I don't want to... I want you so bad but I'm not... I haven't lost all of the baby weight yet. I still need to lose at least 10 more pounds. I'm just embarrassed with the stretch marks and..... P-Plus... t-the scar from the c-section." She swallows hard then continues. "When I see the scar in the mirror, I feel disgusted and I'm scared you will feel the same."