Everything I Need

73

   One week. One week of staying in the hotel and walking over to the hospital. One week of making numerous trips back and forth to see our precious little daughter Taytum. One week of my heart hurting every time we have to leave and go back to the hotel until our next visit.

   Taytum is just a week old today and Dr. Walsh called early this morning with some really good news. We finally get to hold our daughter for the first time today. This is the day I have been looking forward to. I am excited, nervous and sad all at once. I couldn't help but cry tears of joy when Dr. Walsh said we could finally hold Taytum. It has hurt not being able to hold her in my arms. After I get off the phone and calm down, Kyler and I get ready and head over to the hospital.

   As my wife and I are getting off the elevator on the floor with the NICU, her phone starts ringing. Kyler glances at her phone with scrunched eyebrows obviously not recognizing who's calling but answers anyway. "Hello... yes it is," Kyler says and I glance at her while we are walking down the hallway. "Yes, that would be perfect. Thank you so much and I look forward to it." I am definitely curious as to who she is talking to. "Okay, thank you."

   As soon as Kyler ends the call, she slides her phone in her back pocket and takes my hand as we continue walking. I glance at her and my curiosity gets the best of me so I have to ask. "Who was that on the phone?"

   Kyler glances at me, "oh... sorry, it was a job offer from one of the numerous applications and resumes I had sent out." I look at her with raised eyebrows for her to continue but she doesn't say anything else as we continue walking.

   I stop walking which causes Kyler to stop also since we are holding hands. "Who is the job offer with?" I ask my wife.

   Kyler motions for us to keep walking so we continue our journey to the NICU. "I honestly don't remember the school name, baby. I wasn't really paying attention but they're emailing me an offer letter. That's the third offer I've gotten."

   "What?" I ask because this is the first I'm hearing about any job offers she has received. Why wouldn't she have told me?

   "I received two emails last week but haven't looked over them yet. My main focus has been on you and Taytum. We have had a lot going on so don't be mad. I promise I wasn't keeping it from you so please don't think that. I've just been so worried about you and everything that's happened that it just took my mind away from those emails. I just can't focus on any of that."

   I slightly smile at Kyler and give her hand a squeeze of reassurance that I'm not mad as I say "okay" just as we make it to the NICU where Dr. Walsh is already waiting. At least I know she wasn't purposely keeping it from me and I know she has been worried. This has all been a lot to deal with.

   "Good morning ladies. Are y'all ready to finally hold your little girl?" Kyler and I both quickly answer "yes" as Dr. Walsh leads us inside. "I suggest skin to skin as much as possible to help bond. We have private areas with curtains and nursing gowns you can put on so you can be more comfortable. Just wash your hands then follow me and I will have a nurse bring her in."

   Kyler and I both eagerly nod and wash our hands. Once we are in the little private area, my wife pulls the curtain closed and immediately takes her shirt off then puts the gown on. I turn my back towards her as I quickly take my shirt off and put a gown on. I just hope she doesn't see anything and doesn't say anything. I sit down first in one of the rocking chairs, ready to hold our little girl. As soon as Kyler sits beside me she is already looking at me with a questioning look in her eyes.

   Suddenly the curtain is pulled back and a nurse rolls the incubator into the little room. There's no oxygen tube or IV hooked up to Taytum which is a really good sign. There's hand sanitizer on the wall and the nurse steps over putting some in her hands then tells us to do the same. Once our hands are sanitized, the nurse carefully removes Taytum from the incubator and places her in my arms.

   Tears freely fall as I gently rub Taytum's little back. I pull her flush against my chest and kiss her little head. "Hi Taytum Elizabeth." I cooed at my daughter. "I love you so much," I declare as I kiss her little nose that resembles mine. I hear a sniffle beside me and glance over at Kyler. Tears are running down her cheeks as she leans over caresses Taytum's tiny cheek.

   Kyler lifts up out of her chair and stands beside me. She caresses Taytum's cheek again then places a soft tender kiss on my cheek. "She is so precious, baby." She whispers as she gets choked up. "S-She looks like you, Lauren." Kyler says as a big watery smile graces her face. My wife is right, Taytum looks just like me except for the black hair and complexion that's like Kyler. I look at her long black eyelashes and the way her eyelids flutter while she is sleeping. Her tiny nose and puckered lips are the cutest.

   Taytum squirms a little and starts getting fussy. A nurse walks in with a baby bottle and says "it's actually time for her to be fed. Feed her a little, try to burp her then continue feeding her. She will not drink a lot because she is small so don't be alarmed when she doesn't take the whole bottle." I nod in understanding and carefully lay my daughter in my arms to feed her. I originally wanted to breastfeed but with everything that happened with me, I wasn't able to, which is disappointing.

   Kyler stays standing right beside me as I situate Taytums head on my forearm. She is still fussing as I place the bottle between her plump little lips and wait for her to take the bottle. She begins sucking on the bottle and starts making cute little humming noises as she drinks the formula. My wife laughs at the sounds our daughter is making which causes me to laugh also.

   "Our little angel is hungry." Kyler says as we both lovingly watch our daughter. As soon as she says that, Taytum's eyes open and she stares up at both of us. "Look baby, she has your gorgeous blue eyes." Kyler says as she reaches out for our daughter's little hand. My wife is right, Taytum's eyes are just as blue as mine. Whether or not they stay that color I don't know. I was hoping for Kyler's eye color especially since her facial features are mine. "We love you, little angel." Kyler says which causes our daughter to pull away from the bottle and a little smile breaks out, showing off cute dimples. Kyler started calling Taytum 'little angel' because she said it was more fitting for her."

   I carefully place Taytum on my shoulder and try to burp her, which doesn't take long. Afterwards, she will not take anymore of the bottle and just lays in my arms glancing and smiling at Kyler and I as we talk to her.

   "Would you like to hold her?" I ask Kyler as I place another kiss to Taytum's head and breath in her baby scent.

   "I-I would love to." Kyler nervously states as she sits back down in her chair so I transfer our daughter to my wife's arms. "O-oh my God."

   "You are so cute and adorable holding her." I say with tears of joy in my eyes as I watch my wife hold our daughter. All the pain and heartache from the past two weeks seems to lessen a little as I watch how much Kyler loves Taytum. Just watching my wife with our daughter makes me fall in love with her all over again.

   As Kyler is looking down at Taytum she suddenly says, "I want to have a baby."

   I jerk my head up to look at my wife. "What?" I ask.

   Kyler looks at me with tears in her eyes "I-I mean, when it's time and we want to have another baby... I will go through the process. I want to experience the joy of carrying a baby. I know I had said I didn't think I could but I want to. I know we will have to find a donor that resembles you but I... I want to do it. I want to do that for us."