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Stares

„Thank you" I take the bowl of porridge my mom made for breakfast. She exits my room and I'm by myself. Just me and the food. The smell from it is already killing me. I take a spoon of it and hold it in front of me. I'm getting sick.

Since Friday I didn't eat well. Saturday I tried eating but I either threw it up, not because I wanted to! or I was getting physically ill. I ended up eating only dinner. On Sunday I ate nothing. It was Jakobs birthday so we celebrated and I could distract myself from the hunger.

And all that because of what Theo told me on Friday. It makes me crazy that people think I'm having sex with half of the school or grade or whatever. I'm having anxiety every time I think about how people will look at me. I thought about it the whole weekend. I mean they've probably been looking at me this whole time but I just didn't notice but know that I know...I will see every little glance. I have the reputation of a cheater. How am I gonna make friends.

I'm overreacting...
Everything's fine...
Just eat...

I take the spoon again and eat it. I eat it until the bowl is almost empty. I put the bowl somewhere I can't see it so I'm not going to get sick. It tasted and good and I needed it but somehow food reminds me that I have to face school in 15 minutes.

I walk down the stairs and and say goodbye to my mom. I don't see Theo's car yet which means I'm very early.

~

I hope I can eat lunch, it looks delicious today but I still feel very weird. It feels like everybody is staring at me even tho I know they don't. I honestly expected worse but I only caught a few people looking at me and when I looked at them they looked away. I got the words Theo said on repeat in my head. I was about to say it got better when I saw the table with my favorite people but I unfortunately looked to another table too, seeing Nick and his friends already looking at me.

I walk up to my table and sit down next to Liv. "We already wondered where you are" she greets me. "I took my time choosing the food" I chuckle.

I look to Theo who's sitting in front of me but my eyes wander to the background where Nick is staring at me. He nudges his friend beside him who gives him a little smirk. I quickly look to Theo again who is already furrowing his brows so I just smile and pretend Nick's looks didn't affect me.

I distract myself from the feeling being stared at by taking the fork and starting to eat lunch. "Lia" Liv whispers. I look away from the food and to my side. "Are you alright?" She asks concerned. "Do I look that bad? I didn't sleep well" I make up an excuse and overplay it with a little laugher. "I wasn't trying to insult you, you just looked sad" she returns the laugher. "Everything's fine, I'm just really tired" I look down to my food again.

I ate everything and feel very happy about it. It was a good distraction almost as good as my wonderful friends. I love the talks we have at lunch, it feels so great to experience at least a bit of school with Theo. I wish he would be here all the time.

"Jakob what does the clock say?" Caleb taps on the imaginary clock on his wrist. "The clock says we have to go in two minutes" he checks his phone. I don't know why but Jakob is somehow their time manager. They of course could look at their own phone but they're first of all too lazy and I think they don't even know when they have to go. "Well let's go" Caleb stands up. "He said two minutes, idiot" Justin of course has to insult again. "Are these two minutes so important to you? That's very sweet of you" Caleb sits down again. "No I was just calling out your non existent hearing sense" Justin fires back. Caleb rolls his eyes and stands up again and so does the rest of our Harnew friends.