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Win or lose

Tw: mentioning of calories & weight

I lost eight pounds after Theo told me he needed distance. It's been a week...

I'm becoming visibly skinny even though all I'm wearing is baggy. I try to wear big hoodies from Tyler to make me bigger which is kind of ironic. I would much rather wear Theo's but I can't. Theo's hoodies feel more comfortable and warmer. I need his warmth again. I feel so cold without him. Or it's just the side effect of me not eating enough.

Because I'm eating so little I started using my journal again where I write down the calories I eat in a day. I don't use my app for it because my father would become suspicious if he sees that I'm only eating 200 calories maximum per day.

The last entry before I started was ages ago. I was a lot worse back then. There were literally weeks were I only wrote down "-apple (green)= 80 calories". The apple wasn't 80 calories, it was 61 but I wrote down more so I wouldn't exceed the maximum of calories by any chance in case I would eat something else.

Green apples are my safe food. It's kind of weird because fruits have a lot of sugar and I could eat something with less calories and less sugar but apple were always my favorite. Especially because you can eat them very slowly. And you wanna know why I love green ones so much? They have less sugar.

I mean I love the green one for its sourness but it happens to be healthier which makes me love it even more.

Yesterday I ate two apples because I was feeling hungry. Most of the days I don't feel the hunger because I got so used to it but sometimes it's a bit extrem which often leads me to overeating but I got myself under control. Seriously, I only overate like two times since the day where I couldn't find my chip for the gym.

My goal last time was to not eat for three days straight which I couldn't do. I still want to do it. I just want to see if I can and how much weight I would loose. I couldn't push through it yet because I'm always afraid that the extrem hunger will lead me to overeating but I told myself I can do it. I ate nothing yesterday and we almost got lunchtime which means I'm not far away from reaching my goal.

Unfortunately I'm feeling really exhausted today, leaving me without any motivation. It's like I'm stuck in the body of a sloth. I feel so slow and heavy. I have barely energy to hold my own weight. Every step seems like I'm heavier, making me really paranoid. What if I'm just thinking I'm getting thinner and actually getting bigger?

I mean I can see how my body reacts to me not eating but am I really that skinny? What if I'm just getting uglier and uglier. The eye bags that come from the lack of sleep and iron in my body, my hair that's starts falling out and my skin which getting worse and worse, makes me think I'm even uglier than before. If I'm skinny enough maybe they'll only look at that and not my face.

I quietly sit down next to Tyler and look at the Appel in front of me that I brought from home. I always eat the apple at lunch so they think I'm getting better but today I can't. I have to reach my goal.

"You're thinking too much" Tyler reminds me. He always does when I'm staring at my food. I don't say anything and continue to stare at it. Usually I want to eat the apple but now I don't.
I don't want to eat it, I don't want to eat anything. It disgusts me. The smell of the food around me is disgusting. I look away from the apple but all I see is food. Everyone shovels their food, making me want to throw up. The thought of having something in my mouth is freaking me out. I wouldn't even know how much calories are in this school food, how can they not worry about the calories? Thi-