Pregnant and a Victor

Chapter 3: The News

It's been about three months since I found out I was pregnant, and it's now three months before the quarter quell. Sometimes in the next hour, President Snow is to address the nation of Panem and reveal the twist for this years games.

I sit at the table in my house, sipping a cup of tea my mother has made for me. She has been a lot more attentive and caring for me since I've become pregnant. I suppose she wants me to know that she is here to help me and wants to make amends for her being absent when my dad died. It is just hard to get over.

I wish that Peeta and I did not have to be mentors. I am unsure of how I will be able to mask the pregnancy at that point. These first few months I have been able to walk through the district by covering my growing bump with certain outfits that Cinna had specially made for me.

Although he is incredibly talented, I don't think he will be able to cover me well enough for an entire country not to notice. Especially once I am that size.

My public appearance have been limited and the only people who know about the baby are my family, Peeta's family, Gale, Haymitch, Effie, and Cinna. They haven't even told my entire prep team, in fear that they may have too many cocktails at one of their fancy parties and spread the gossip.

They will undoubtedly find out once I need to be prepped for my appearance at the reaping and throughout the course of the game itself. The timing of the baby could not be worse.

These past three months have been filled with fear, anxiety, and resentment. I don't know how to me a mother. I am still plagued with the nightmares of the games that have resulted from my trauma. I fear that I do not know how to love. I do not know how I will possibly be loving and caring enough for a child that I resent for not only complicating my life but the lives of those I care about.

Gale has barely spoken to me. Although I knew he had to be informed as soon as possible, it hurts me to know we will never be friends as we were. I picture him walking out of the bakery the day we announced it to our families. I had included him in mine. I hoped that he would yell or scream at me but he didn't. He didn't even react. He just got up and walked out.

I picture his eyes still ingrained in my memory. Full of hurt; full of pain. At least when Peeta and I became engaged he had been enraged and told me how he felt. Now I just have to imagine what he may be thinking. I have to imagine what my once best friend must now think of me.

I had told him that Peeta and I was just an act. To keep us alive. I told Gale that I wasn't in love with Peeta and I didn't think about him in that way either. Which was all true. Then.

Now I do not know I feel.  Peeta and I have undoubtedly become close. We have essentially trauma bonded through the games. We slept together, although I did not believe myself to have feelings for him then. But we have become closer these last few months.

Now that we are "engaged" and having a baby together it seemed like the best idea to buy into it. Whether or not I love him in a romantic sense is still a question, I am not good with my feelings.

But I know now that we will be spending the rest of our lives together anyways. We have been spending most of our time together planning for the baby, the wedding that we will have to have after it arrives, and even being mentors this year.

I have been staying with him a lot at his house in the Victors Village although it is just across the street from mine. When I am with him, the nightmares aren't as bad. Peeta makes me feel safe.

I still stay with my mom and Prim some, but that is mostly because they are only permitted to live in the house with me. Once I officially move in with Peeta they will be required to move out of the Victors Village and back into our old home.