driving through los angeles was nearly heartbreaking. i haven't been back here since colby and i broke up eight months ago. the hardest day of my life. right after our breakup, i moved back to new york. but i finally made the decision to go back to LA.
moving to new york probably wasn't a good idea because i left all of my friends but i think i needed it. i was on my way to my new apartment. i hadn't seen or talked to colby since our breakup that occurred because we wanted different things in life.
i wanted to get married and have kids and grow old together. colby wasn't interested in marriage or kids. he said he wanted to be with me but never wanted to get married.
that was really rough for me so that explains the move. i'm still in contact with all of the girls but none of them bring him up because they know that it's the most sore subject ever for me
no one expected our breakup... everyone was shocked. we were always together and we were so in love. it was like when david and liza broke up or when corey and devyn broke up. it was shocking and heartbreaking to the fans.
at this point, there's a chance he's moved on but i don't think i'll ever be able to love someone the way i love him.
my breakup song was i almost do by taylor swift. it really hits different when you leave your soulmate.
And I just wanna tell you
It takes everything in me not to call you
And I wish I could run to you
And I hope you know that every time I don't
I almost do
the day that i left to new york, colby sent me a link to the song 'be still' by the fray. that song will never leave my heart.
When darkness comes upon you
And colors you with fear and shame
Be still and know that I'm with you
And I will say your name
and our song is turning page by sleeping at last. i remember the night that we first heard that song. we had probably only been 3 weeks into our relationship and we were sat on the couch in my living room, watching twilight. i had convinced him to watch the whole series with me. it had to be 4am at that point. we were on breaking dawn part one. the song started playing, colby commenting on how well it fit the scene. and in that moment i told him that was the song that i wanted to play as i walked down the aisle.
I've waited a hundred years
But I'd wait a million more for you
Nothing prepared me for
What the privilege of being yours would do
sometimes i wish that in that moment he would have told me he didn't have the same dream. but at the same time, those two years were the best two years of my life. i just wish we didn't have to end on the note that we did. but from that point on, we played the song on every car ride, every time we would have a little dance party in my apartment at 3am and every time we would have a crying sesh together.
we claimed it as our song.
i was listening to a random radio station, driving through noho. looking to my right, i noticed colby and i's first apartment together. memories flooded my mind as i thought of the memories of that apartment.
that's where we first said i love you, while we were listening to turning page of course. it's where we hosted more pizza nights than i can remember. its where we made hundreds of youtube videos. it's where we became soulmates.
i hadn't even noticed the tears falling down my face, or that the song at changed. i couldn't believe what i was hearing. of course, turning page started flowing through the speakers of my car. the same speakers that played this song for hours when i was dating colby.
If I had only felt the warmth within your touch
If I had only seen how you smile when you blush
Or how you curl your lip when you concentrate enough
Well I would have known
What I was living for all along
What I've been living for
this part really hit me, breaking out into a full on sob as i sat at the light, staring at my old home. colby was my home.
in that moment, i don't know what came over me but i pulled my phone out and texted the boy i hadn't talked to in months.
i noticed his name was still 'baby 🥺 ' in my phone, making a terrible sound erupt from my throat as i cried more.
the text read 'hey bub, i just drove by apartment 183. i've been thinking about you a lot recently :)'
i was trying to keep the text friendly as i possibly could. he responded almost instantly.
'i never stopped thinking about you, bear'
i awhed at the fact that he used that nickname for me.
"sorry, i'm such a mess." i laughed, opening the door. i was wearing a giant sherpa hoodie and had pimple cream on my face.
"you look cute." he chuckled, kissing me.
"i look like a bear." i joked.
"a cute lil fluffy bear. my bear." he smiled, kissing me again.
i smiled to myself as i made the right turn into my new apartment building, texting colby back as soon as i parked.
'turning page came on as soon as i hit the light right outside the building. i'm a wreck haha'
'our song :)' he responded. 'you're back in LA?' he asked.
'i am :)'
'would you be down to go get sushi tomorrow?' he texted again.
'i think that'd be great :)'
what the fuck did i just do?
-
i surrender who I've been for who you are
For nothing makes me stronger than your fragile heart
If I had only felt how it feels to be yours
Well I would have known
What I've been living for all along
What I've been living for
as soon as i saw colby at the end of the aisle, my nerves vanished. today was our day. we were finally getting married...
after that day that we got sushi, we slowly reconnected and realized we were too in love to fully let each other go. so we decided to compromise. we were going to play it by year and be more open to what the other wants.
so a year later, colby proposed to me. to say i was shocked is an understatement. and now, two years after that, it's our wedding day.
kids are still a topic of discussion but at least i got this far with the boy.
sometimes i wonder what wouldve happened if that radio station didn't play turning page that one rainy los angeles monday morning.
