F it this is my personal journal now

September 19th, 2023

September 19th, 2023
(Ok so shit got real and I actually didn't even get to post this sept. 16 before everything got resolved. So I'm gonna post this one and the next on the same day. So double post today. 😙✌️)
————————————————————
September 16th, 2023

Ok I've been saving this one bc I was afraid to post it.

Update on the DND shit:
So two days ago my friend the one who start this all. The one who I texted bc I wanted to reconnect and have friends again, told me he liked me in high school and still kinda does.
...
Like wtf. This man is in a poly relationship rn. We were on call with one of his partners when he private DMed me that. How tf am I supposed to respond to that? I did get flustered by that bc one I wasn't expecting and two I did have a small crush on him back then as well.

During the call I didn't really respond to it bc my mind was really just blank and after a bit I kinda just pretend it didn't happen and all three of us just continued the conversation. (side bar: he, his partner, and I have been on discord call for the past two days straight with no break it just been constantly on)

He apologized the next morning and said he didn't mean to cross any boundaries and I said it was fine and we left it at that.
THEN he brought it back up again in the evening(like12am). And asked if I just wanted to sweep it under the rug. I told him I didn't know how it felt but didn't want to ignore his feelings. He said that was fine and there's no rush and we left it at that.
What should I do?

{I do want to be clear that I am, at the moment, definitely NOT looking to be in a relationship like that anytime soon especially a poly one considering the little amount of dating experience I have. }

September 17th, 2023

Update two:
So we were on call, me, him, his partner, and me and his partner were talking and simping about COD characters right, you know, Ghost, Konïg, Gaz, and the like and his partner switched to talking about him cosplaying in tactical gear.
I was trying to stay out of it, literally was only saying 'Switzerland'. But he privately dm me and asked why I was being so neutral (keep in mind I have no idea how their relationship works, I know nothing) so I tried changing the topic by talking about Minecraft (again not ready to try and deal with the problem yet) but he was not having it.

So I grew some balls and just asked him if he wanted me to be completely straight with him. He said yes. (Still on call btw so still trying to have a convo with his partner while doing this)
So I told him. I told him that I had been feeling really anxious and kinda sick feel since he told me. That I had really wanted to be friends again (we just started talking again less than 2 weeks ago. And hadn't really talked besides short text convo since he left during senior year. Nov. 2021) that I did have a small crush in high school but didn't know how to handle the feeling considering the circumstances.

He said no matter my answer we would still be friends but the answer I gave was a roundabout way of saying I don't know what I feel, which is true, and to correct if he was wrong.I replied with I didn't know how I felt and that I haven't had much dating experience and I still don't understand how his relationship works and it would be to much for me to handle.That if later we both like each other, way later, then I'd be willing to try but for now we should just be friends.

He said that was fine and his feelings wouldn't change he'd just move them to the side and to move at my pace. I then excused myself by thanking him and saying I was going to bed and that's how it ended.
————————————————————
Honestly this was so fucking emotional I did cry at some points and I think I was actually getting physically sick from the anxiety. Also I may have developed anxiety toward the stupid discord sound. Sorry it was so long.