F it this is my personal journal now

May 14, 2024

May 14, 2024

Fuck I missed the opportunity to use the 'it's been a year daddy' for this stupid thing. I'm a little sad about that.🥲

Anyways.

They don't trust me.
Saturday about 11:30 pm my brother came into the guest room bc I stayed at my dad's for the weekend. He was talking to my sister and it slipped that he had a girlfriend. So I stopped he and was like 'wait you have a girlfriend? Why didn't you tell me?' And all of the sudden they're both giving each other weird fucking glances.

So I asked again (By the way there has never been a reason to hide boyfriends or girlfriends in our family. So idk y they are trying to keep it like a secret.) and he just kinda laughs and looks at me.

He looks me in my eyes and say "you're an op." And then both of them laughed awkwardly.

Do you know how fucking floored I was?
It felt like i had just been stabbed in the chest.

So I left the room on went out front and cried. I've tried my whole fucking life to be in their little circle that they always push me out of. I've helped them when they needed, protected them from their mom, tried to do fun things with them, got in between the adults when they were fighting through them, stood up for them on both sides. I've done everything I could in order to just be there for them. To be seen as a sister and loved by them.

And they don't trust me?

I had thought siblings were supposed to be there for each other. That's what I was told growing up. That after all the adult were gone it'd just be you and your siblings so make sure you have a good relationship. And I tried so hard, for so so long.

So I'm done. Im done trying with them. I'm done trying to be in their two person two person clique. Im done getting my heart broken every time they start talking to each and pretending I don't exist when I'm sitting right next to them. Im done doing nice things and favors. I'll be cordial say 'hey' and have conversations because I still love them. But I'm done trying to appease them just so they'll show me the slightest bit of love and attention.

After I cried I left and went back home about 12. When I left they were talking hushed in my brother's room. When I got home I took a shower and thought about it. And decided I was going to pretend nothing happened when I got back because it wouldn't have got through if I'd tried to talk to them.

I got back about 1 am a little after and they were back in the guest room just talking normally. I got my stuff and sat on the couch. I heard my brother ask where I was and my sister told him I was on the couch and he asked if it was because he was in my spot and my sister said "because she's mad at you?"

And he said "Why?" Can you believe that? "Why?" After he told me to my face that he didn't trust me. That upset me a bit.

But I went back in there and pretended he got up to leave and i meant to tell him 'I'm not mad btw. I don't have anything to be mad about.' That's really what I wanted to tell him but I think my heart took over my tongue for a second because I told him "I'm not mad btw. I just don't care." And I don't. I think I'm done caring and it makes me sad.