Hunger

Rory: Christmas Secrets

I'm the first one awake on Christmas morning. Austin sleeps beside me, face down, hands shoved under the pillow. I watch him for a moment, gently running my fingers down his bare back, tracing old scars. He doesn't wake up. On top of the air mattress on the other side of the room, Pixie sleeps soundly, one arm slung over her stuffed Olaf. The house is still and silent.

As I watch Austin sleeping, I can't help but think about what happened last night, or more accurately what didn't happen. I wish he would let me in. The only way he'll ever be able to heal is if he talks about what happened to him, but he shuts down completely when I mention it. Watching him hurt so much is heartbreaking. I wish I could take his pain away... or at least share it with him so it wouldn't be such a heavy burden to bear alone.

Austin's eyelids flutter open as I walk my fingers up his spine.

"It's Christmas," I whisper with a smile.

Austin sleepily smiles back at me. "I'm surprised Pixie's not awake yet," he mumbles.

I scoot closer to him, and he rolls onto his back so I can rest my head on his chest. His breathing deepens as he drifts off again. I don't want to leave the warmth of the bed, basking in the feeling of his skin against mine. Who knows when he'll be back again. Austin will sleep here for a night or two, then take off without explanation. I'm only his lighthouse.

"Let's put Pixie's presents all around the bed and watch her reaction when she wakes up," I whisper into his ear, waking him from the light sleep he's slipped into.

It takes us a few minutes to tiptoe around and place Pixie's wrapped presents next to her head and then climb back under the covers. A few minutes later when Pixie wakes up, she gasps, eyes wide with wonder and delight.

"Santa was here!" she cries, running a hand over the presents as if to make sure they're real.

"I told you he'd find you," Austin says with a grin, swinging his legs over the side of the bed and walking over to her.

Austin grabs Pixie in a bear hug and tickles her stomach. She giggles as she tries to wriggle out of his arms.

"Merry Christmas, Pixie Princess," Austin says, giving her a big kiss on the cheek.

"Merry Christmas!" Pixie says happily, and as soon as Austin puts her down she runs over to her backpack and brings back a glittery construction paper card with a crookedly drawn Christmas tree on the front.

It says in shaky, mismatched, glitter-glue lumps of letters:"To Austin. I love u. U R the best brother. Pixie."

"Pixie, you wrote this?" Austin gasps, sinking to his knees as he stares at the paper.

"Yep! Blanca helped me make the letters!" Pixie says proudly.

Austin gives her another hug, and when he pulls away his eyes are full of tears that he tries to hide from me. I almost feel like crying myself when he says, "I'm so proud of you! You wrote! You're the smartest kid I know!"

The sweet moment is so emotional and private, I feel weird witnessing it. Pixie doesn't understand what it means to Austin that she can read and write. She's just a kid, proud of her creation.

Pixie looks at me next. "I made one for you too."

My construction paper card has a candy cane on it and says, "To Rory. Merry Christmas. I love u. Pixie."