Hunger

Austin: The First Deep Breath

That first night in my first foster home, I didn't take off my shoes or unpack my bag, sure that at any point Ray would show up to get me and take me back home. He'd probably be pissed at me for being noticed by the school people.

I really just wanted to get it over with because the anticipation, and the crippling fear that came with it, were much worse. He liked to do that to me, to hold out for days or weeks, driving me crazy until I eventually let my guard down. That's when he liked to strike. He'd say, "Man I'm gonna have some fun with you later, Austin. You really fucked up bad." He always said that. You know how villains in movies have their line, like the Joker saying, "Why so serious?" Ray's line was always, "I'm gonna have some fun with you later."

"You can settle in," the foster lady, whose name was Nancy, told me. She had long blond hair and was wearing a blue dress with yellow flowers on it.

Nancy and her husband had no other kids, which was sort of a relief. I didn't have friends and didn't know what it would be like if I did. Kids at school made fun of me for being gross and stinky. Teachers treated me like a rock in their shoe that they couldn't get rid of. I only trusted myself.

Nancy touched my back and I leapt out of her way so far I landed on the other side of the room. She looked at me with wide eyes, but then she seemed to remember something and her face was all smiles again.

"Are you hungry? What do you like?"

I tried to speak. Glitch. Tried again. Sputter, glitch. It wasn't going to happen.

Nancy saw this and said, "McDonalds? Everyone likes McDonalds, right? I'll tell Riley to get some on the way home from work."

I nodded so she wouldn't think I was a raised-by-wolves jungle freak or something that didn't understand English. She smiled at the attempted communication.

"Bath? Shower?"

I shook my head.

"It's okay," she said softly.

She started to walk over to me. I dodged her and ran for it. Ran for my life. Got all the way to the bathroom down the hall and threw the door closed and locked it. I pushed all my weight against it to keep it closed as I heard her footsteps approaching.

"Austin?"

She knocked softly on the door and I pushed against it harder, my hand clutching the doorknob. But she didn't even jiggle the handle. She certainly didn't try to pound the door down. Still, I didn't dare let up, knowing she would strike as soon as I did.

"It's okay. There are towels under the sink. You can shower or take a bath if you want. You don't have to."

Her voice was muffled from behind the door. I listened closely. I could see the shadow of her two feet underneath the door even though she was being quiet, trying to lure me into thinking she wasn't there anymore. I wasn't going to fall for that.

An hour went by. I had not seen Nancy's feet under the door for forty-five minutes, and I could hear another voice now, but it was too quiet to make out what it was saying. I smelled the McDonald's Nancy had mentioned earlier, and my mouth was watering so bad I couldn't hold out any longer. I figured that even if they planned on having some fun with me, it was worth it so I could eat.

I opened the door and quietly made my way to the kitchen. A woman was sitting at the table and Nancy was standing at the other side of it, rifling through the bag of food and taking out boxes of fries and chicken nuggets. They both looked at me at the same time, and I froze.

"You came out," Nancy said cheerfully.

I just stared.

"This is my wife, Riley," she said, gesturing at the unknown woman, who smiled at me. Riley was the complete opposite of Nancy. One side of her head was shaved and the other sported a black pony-tail. She had lots of piercings and tattoos and was wearing black ripped jeans and a leather jacket.

I took my first deep breath in that moment, standing in that kitchen. I think it was the first deep breath I had ever taken in my whole life. Two women. I was going to be okay.

I walked forward and waited as Riley grabbed a box of chicken nuggets, then some fries and a drink and slid them over to my side of the table one at a time. I climbed up into the chair and sat on my legs so I could jump up and run quickly if I had to.

"I hope it's okay. The food," Nancy said.

I already had two chicken nuggets shoved in my mouth, so I nodded.

"Good. I can help you unpack later if you want. Only if you want help," Riley said.

I could tell by the way she said it that Nancy had told her what a freak I was.

As I ate, I thought about trying to talk again so I could show them I wasn't a freak. I felt almost comfortable enough to do it without glitching now. Maybe.

"Th-thanks," I whispered.

Nancy and Riley both smiled at me.

"You're very welcome," Riley said.

I moved one leg out from under me and let it dangle onto the floor.