Hunger

Rory: The Whole Truth

I fight to keep my eyes open as my head droops to the side. Every time I catch myself drifting off, I jerk upright, a fiery pain in my neck. Seth is asleep, his face as pale as the sheets around him. It's after midnight, and Dad has already left. I'm alone in the hospital room, and I feel like the only person in the building who's awake.

I keep checking my phone, hoping for an email from Austin. He never wrote me back when I sent my last email about Seth's suicide attempt, and that worries me. There's no way he wouldn't respond to that if everything is normal.

Outside, the rain continues to fall and, the cold presses up against the window like a hungry dog scratching to get inside. I shiver, staring at the inky blackness. I hope they're okay, that they're warm enough.

Seth stirs and opens his eyes then, and I lean forward.

"Hey," I say softly.

He looks up at me. "Hey..."

"You're okay," I say, "Whether or not you wanna be. I found you before it was too late."

Seth swallows. "I'm sorry," he says in a hoarse whisper.

"Why, Seth?" I ask.

Seth shakes his head, staring at the ceiling as if the answer he's searching for is there. "I just can't anymore."

"Why?"

"I can't spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder, waiting for them to get me. I can't live like that. I don't want to anymore. I want to die my way."

"I told you I'd protect you!"

"It's not just now, Rory. It's my whole life. They'll never leave me alone. When I go to college, when I have my own family... I'll always be afraid that they're coming for me. I don't want to live anymore. I don't wanna be scared anymore! I don't want to be me!"

I put my hand over his. "Seth... tell me the truth. Tell me everything."

Seth shuts his eyes tight, and I see a tear escape and run down his cheek. He turns his head away from me.

"You should have gone to New York," he whispers. "I'm sorry you didn't... just because of me. You could've become a dancer for the New York City Ballet. It was your dream, and you lost it because of me. I fuck everything up."

My heart aches when I hear the sadness in his voice. I'd never imagined he thought about that or felt guilty over it.

"It was my choice, Seth. I could have gone, but I didn't want to after..."

Seth is silent for a long time but then finally speaks in a small, quiet voice.

"They kept us drugged most of the time, especially when they moved us from place to place. I never knew where we were. They didn't want us to know. I don't know what the drugs were, but they made me sleep. They made me so out of it I couldn't even think."

"Who drugged you?" I ask.

"The people who took me. It wasn't just me. There were other kids and grown women too... some American, some Mexican, some from other places like Thailand and the Ukraine. A lot didn't speak English, but it's not like we could talk to each other anyway. They kept us separate, alone, and drugged most of the time. There was a girl there, about a year after they took me. She tried to escape. They snapped her neck, one of them with his foot while she was on the ground... I saw him do it... I heard her spine crack."

"Is that why you tried to escape?"

"Yeah, but I lied about how I did it. The truth is they took us to California once and when I saw an American flag I ran and ran and ran even though I was drugged and we were supposed to be sleeping. I just ran forever. I thought maybe I was dead and I was in hell or something, because I got lost in the desert. I laid down and I didn't care if I died, and the next thing I knew I was in a hospital. I don't know how I got away. I really don't. I made up that story so I could sound like a badass, but the whole thing just sorta happened when no one was lookin'."