Madness

03

03| I Feel Guilty

I wrote my entrance exam for school today.

It was just another standardized test that wasn't actually mandatory but I was going to be attending private school and I guess this was just something that they did.

I got the results back immediately because they had a marking official there, coincidentally.

Something told me though that Enzo had specifically planned this out to have a smooth transition.

Classes were still running and I had to write this exam in the library, so I got a lot of weird looks.

Back to the test.

Apparently I did so well that the official had to call the principal and some teachers in just to make sure that they were looking at the same thing.

The highest someone can score is 320.

I got 315.

When Enzo came to pick me up and heard about the score, he gave me a small smile.

"I'm proud of you. Most of your brothers got a 290." He said.

I didn't really care about what the others got, to each their own. I was ecstatic to hear that me doing well made him proud.

It feels good to not let someone down.

Not to be melodramatic or anything.

Now that I thought about it, there was a lot of more logic based questions than it was on the education. Felt more like an IQ test than it did an entrance exam or whatever the fuck it is.

I was already given a tour, student I.D and schedule for all my classes tomorrow. I was excited to be going to this school because it seems like there are so many opportunities for scholarships and programs here.

The one unfortunate thing that I realized growing up in the neighbourhood that I did is that a lot of our schools there are underfunded and our school boards barely have anything to work with.

It really sucks too because so many of the people I know really put an effort in school but no one paid attention to us so it was difficult to stand out and gain traction.

This unsettling feeling came over me. It felt like guilt and disgust.

I was mad at myself for being able to come and live this decent life when so many people I lived with are still in the same circumstances that I was in.

Enzo noticed my change in mood and asked me about it, and for a split second I almost didn't tell him.

Then I realized that he probably would know I was lying and that was a rule of his; Don't lie.

"I feel wrong for being able to go to a nice school, live in a nice neighbourhood and do nice things." I said, looking out the window as we drove back to the house.

"What do you mean by that?" Enzo was really good at not giving away any emotion whatsoever. He always remained calm and collected. Some could say that he was crazy but he seemed so kind to me.

Still scares the shit out of me though.

"Enzo, I always lived in the rough parts of town okay. I never had nice things, or went to nice schools or went to school with nice people. Most people didn't have shiny cars or white picket fences with nice green lawns. We had dried up gardens and cut down trees with run down cars and broken sidewalks from shootings that took place in the neighbourhood. I just feel...heartbroken over the fact that all the people I grew up with still have to live like that and I..." I trailed off, not wanting or knowing how to finish off that thought.

"You what?" He asked me, and I noticed we arrived at the house.

I looked ahead, "I have you guys. You accepted me into your home, even when I probably don't belong here. And I feel guilty for that."

+++

I was reading Macbeth, by Shakespeare when Donatello barged into my room.

I was sitting in the corner by my window using the light from outside to read my book.

His eyes scanned the room before finding me, and he rolled his eyes before turning the light on and coming towards me.

"I'm driving you to school tomorrow. Be at the front door by 7:50 a.m. If you're late then I'm going to leave without you and that's not a good thing. After school, Marcus will drive you home because I have football. He'll tell you where to wait for him." He said while crossing his arms and squinting his eyes at me.

I nodded my head, "Okay." I said. I turned back to my book but then he started talking again.

"Before I forget, Vince told me that you would be eating lunch with us so don't forget." He said tauntingly, as if he knew how I felt about being near them.

I froze.

I am terrified of these people, my brothers and their...personas. They show no emotion other than displeasure and anger and they naturally have this glare in their eyes.

I can't say I don't have resting bitch face, because I do, but they don't have bitch face. They have, 'Say one wrong word and I will shoot you' face.

Not the funny kind either.

I swallowed my pride and looked at him again, "What if I find some others to sit with? Would it be alright if I sat with them?" I asked.

I assumed Enzo told them to be near me because it was my first day and I probably had no one to sit with.

Donatello shook his head, "Sucks to suck little one, you're stuck with Marcus, Turi and I." With each word he took a step closer to where I was, leaning down so that his face was level with mine.

There was a mischievous look in his eyes.

I backed my head up against the wall and wiggled my way out from where I was, basically dashing across the room.

"Tomorrow, 7:50 a.m. I'll be there." I murmured. He left my room, softly closing the door behind him.

I just stood there, my nerves all jumbled up.

When was I going to stop feeling so paranoid? Why do I always feel like I'm doing something-no everything wrong?!

Why can't I fall asleep at night, or look others in the eyes while speaking to them?

Why am I...weak?

I quietly started to cry, wanting someone to teach me how be strong. How to be everything that I am not.

But more than that, I wanted something so simple it made me cry harder when I realized I couldn't ever get it.

I just wanted a hug.