Tide

Chapter 49

My fingernails dug into the palms of my shaking hands as I watched Ms. Campbell jotting down notes with a ballpoint pen. We had been talking about what I did just a few days ago. It was awkward. I wiped my tear-stained cheeks and said,

"Ms. Campbell?"

She stopped writing. Her eyes met mine. "Yes, Ava?"

I dragged my hands through my hair, my heart beat pulsating in my ears. "I'm tired."

She tilted her head and gave me a look of confusion. "Tired of what?"

I squeezed my eyes shut. My voice strained. Say it. God, Ava, say it now or you never will. "Everything. The memories. The nightmares. They won't leave." I felt my throat tighten. "I just want them to leave."

When I opened my eyes, I saw Ms. Campbell watching me with a look of concern. "What kind of... nightmares do you have? What do you see in your flashbacks?"

I could feel my throat closing up. I wanted to spill everything out, right then, right there. "December 26th." I blurted. "The memories are always about that day. My nightmares too. They're about the wave. Sometimes I'll dream about my family, my friends. Sometimes the dreams don't make any sense... But they involve the wave."

Ms. Campbell put down her notebook and pen, letting them rest on her lap. She leaned back in her chair and watched me carefully. "What do you think this means?"

I shrugged and looked away from her, my gaze feeling pulled towards the window. It was still raining. It hadn't stopped raining in days. At this rate, I thought the sun would never reappear.

"Maybe," I said finally, "It's a fear. A phobia, I guess you could say." I let out deep breath and breathed back in, hoping to inhale a bit more courage. "The other day... I was at the movie theatre with my friends. The movie took place on an island. I saw the ocean and I just... I got scared. The memories came back. I couldn't just sit back and enjoy the movie. I was too focused on what was going on inside of my head. And I can't ignore it, either. It's just... there, you know what I mean? It's impossible to ignore."

She nodded. At the corner of my eye, I could see her staring at me. "Do you think there's anything you can do to possibly, I don't know, overcome this fear?"

I shrugged. "Mom thinks talking to you helps. I mean, I guess it would if I spoke more." I shrugged again and shook my head, burying my face into my hands. "I don't know."

"Okay, but other than speaking to me. Is there anything you think might help you let go?"

There was a long pause. I thought deeply. There was an idea that had come to mind a few weeks ago. I had ignored it, though. It seemed ridiculous at the time, but now, it seemed possible.

I looked at Ms. Campbell, my gaze meeting hers. I wiped my sweaty palms against my jeans, and tucked a stray strand of hair behind my ear. With slight hesitation, I said, "I could go to Thailand."

Her eyes widened. "Pardon?" she asked, as if she hadn't heard me correctly.

"I want to go to Thailand." I repeated, more certainty in my voice this time. "This summer, to be exact. I want to volunteer or something. I heard there's tsunami camps and orphanages I could visit."

Ms. Campbell's face split into a genuine smile. "That sounds like a wonderful idea, Ava."

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I stepped out of the building, walking towards my mother's car. She was sitting in the driver's seat, a book between her hands, her eyes hidden behind the lenses of small reading glasses.