All the Things Between Us

Chapter 14

  I don't know how I wound up this position again. Sitting across a table from Apex isn't the most fun thing in the world. Yet, here I am, and it's just as awkward as last time. This time though I'm not taking the responsibility of starting the conversation. To be perfectly fair though, he does seem to be trying to start the conversation. Just like last time he keeps starting sentences.
I wonder what he's thinking right now. What do you open within a situation like this? I mean at least last time he had a clear motive. The last time we tried to talk anything out he had been trying to convince me to live with him. Now the only thing he can address is his own mistakes.
"I've started going to therapy", he looks down at his hands on the table ashamedly. It takes all my will power not to snort at this. With the way, he's treated me he should be in a lot more than therapy. I tell myself that I believe that. I shut up the part of myself that doesn't want him away from me.
"I'm trying to work out a couple of issues", he says, "my doctor thinks I may have some anger surrounding a couple of minor things from when I was a kid". Minor things? Was what he went through really something he considers minor?
"How did you get the scars?", I surprise myself with how direct I am. I had intended to ask a little more delicately than that. I may not be the biggest fan of him, but I still can empathize with what he went through.
I can tell that he's uncomfortable with my question. He clears his throat and runs a hand through his hair.
"I'd prefer not to talk about that right now", he says.
"Oh really, then tell me what do you want to talk about?", I feel my temper rising, " maybe kidnapping and assaulting me multiple times? Would that be a lighter conversation for you?". He changes his focus from the table to glare at me. His eyes, as usual, changing to a darker hue. Here we go again. I don't even care anymore. I mean how could I possibly expect to get out of this loop that he's trapped me in?
Surprisingly though just when I think he's going to bound over the table he leans back in his chair instead. I watch as the man in front of me closes his eyes and starts doing some weird deep breathing exercise. I'm in disbelief as he just sits there, breathing.
After a couple of minutes, he opens his eyes again, " I understand your point of view, but I'd appreciate if we could speak a little more civilly". I know that at this point I'm probably staring at him like he's grown another head.
Ignoring me he continues, " I think we should start by discussing our first meeting". He says that so calmly like he didn't put me through the most horrible experience of my life.
"You mean when you kidnapped me and locked me under your bed which you constantly had sex on for a month", he flinches at my words.
"Yes, I think that would be the good starting point", his voice is terribly strained. I take some pleasure in his discomfort. He should be uncomfortable. He deserves so much worse. I try to tell myself I believe that, and my heart doesn't clench at the idea of him experiencing any of the awful things of the world.
"Why did you do it?", I ask.
"I was immature and didn't know what to do", he says.
"Why couldn't you just leave me alone?", I ask.
"I couldn't let you get away", he says looking at me intensely. I'm flabbergasted at his answer.
"Why, what makes me so special?".
"Because you just are", he says, " I wish I could tell you why, but I can't yet. I wish I hadn't done what I did. If I had the chance to do it over again, I would have treated you differently". He's looking at me so earnestly when he says this.
"If you did this over again would you still kidnap me?", I ask.
He sighs, "yes". I just nod at his answer. I knew it was coming. He hasn't changed at all. He doesn't regret hurting me he just doesn't like how I reacted, I'm sure of it. I bet he just said he's going to therapy to manipulate me into thinking he's changed somehow. The whole deep breathing activity of his was probably just an act.
"Why did you do what you did that day after you let me out", I can't bring myself to say that actual words. I've spent the past few weeks trying to think of anything, but that.
"I don't know really", he says ashamedly, "I just lost control of myself and somehow just assumed you'd have wanted it". I stare at him in disbelief. How could he possibly think that? What about me shivering in a bathtub and trying to avoid eye contact could have possibly made him think I wanted that?
"When you didn't, it made me think you were doing something else and I didn't know what to do", he says, " I was scared and I didn't know how to stop you". I think back on that day and try to think of what he said to me.
"What did you mean when you said not to reject you?", I ask. He immediately tenses. Before I have the chance to brace myself, he's over the table. I close my eyes on instinct expecting the worst. I feel his arms circle around me.
I open my eyes to see he's giving me a hug. He leans down a bit and presses his lips to my forehead even with his teeth clenched. A couple of stray tears run down his cheeks. We stand there like that for a long time.
Despite the situation, I can't help but think about how good he feels against me. He's so big it's like he's all around me. I should be terrified of this, and part of me is. The part of me that's sane and rational wants me to break out of this and run as far away from him as possible. At the same time though, I'm thinking about how good his cologne smells.
Eventually, he pulls away a bit. I hate how much I miss the loss of content. I know that he's manipulating me, and I know that it's working.
"Please don't ever say that word again", he whispers. My chest hurts at the pain in his voice.
"Why?".
"Because I love you too much".