She began to fear every sound since she had met him. With every step she looked over her shoulder. Fear of him kept her wary. Trying to run from the nightmare he put her through was all that mattered, but the pain of being away from half of your sou...
It's been a month since last I saw Diana. It's been hell without her here. I fucked up. After what happened the last time we were together I'd understand if she never wanted to see me again. After the entire time she's known me I'd understand if she wanted me to move to the moon. I'd known her for only four months, and I've ruined her life. I didn't even need the four months; I ruined her life on day one. Looking back, I don't know how I was so delusional that I didn't realize any possible consequences. The thought that my mate was a person and had emotions and needs didn't even cross my mind. To me she was just my mate, like she was something I owned and had complete authority over. How could I have been so selfish? Even knowing all this and how disgusting I am, I'm still selfish enough to keep trying. After the last time I hospitalized her I checked myself into inpatient treatment and started daily medication and therapy. I keep going hoping that I can fix myself and the mess I've created. I just want to be better for her. She's not even the only one I am ruining things with. My brother found out how was treating my mate and even though that he's not even old enough to have a mate, he's still realized my actions and the full extent of them. It's a weird thing to have a fourteen-year-old disappointed in you. He's been wanting to meet her so he can apologize for how awful I am. It seems he feels guilty for just being related to me; don't blame him. I'm terrified for tonight. I don't know whether I should be expecting a call from her. She might try to ride out the pain. Her choosing to be in horrible pain instead of being intimate with me is entirely reasonable thing to do. I'm scared for her. That day when I saw her on the sidewalk, I wish I'd kept walking. I should have let her be. She could have gone on be happy without me. If I had she wouldn't have been put through any of the pain I brought her. I believe tonight will be the worst of it. I've been praying for the phone to ring. For her to just call me and tell me that she's scared and would rather try to cope with me for the night. I keep remembering how she was in so much pain last time that she begged for a man, she just tried to kill, to touch her. I remember how like the monster I am; I'd taken advantage of her. She was so desperate to escape the hell I forced her into that she kissed all the ugliest parts of me. This wasn't the first time I took advantage of her though. I remember that day the elevator how I should have stopped her the second she touched me. I'd known she'd been drugged out of her mind and didn't want me, but I had let her touch me anyway because how much I wanted her. I guess that no matter how much I've tried to fix myself I'll keep thinking of what she could do for me. The worst part is I know if I was in that elevator with her again, I still wouldn't stop her. It was still one of the best moments of my life. Even if I had to lie to myself to do it, I'd never felt so loved before. I sigh at the direction of my thoughts. I really am a monster and right now I'm a monster who's staring at my phone hoping it'll ring. It's getting late and I know her heat will start soon. I don't want her to be in pain like that. If the elevator was one of the best days of my life, then her first heat was one of the worst. Just witnessing her pain with nothing disturbing me from how she felt was worse than all the time I've spent without her combined. It was worse than the day my parents died. I feel a stirring in myself. Her heat is about start. I can't help thinking of how she's going to spend the night screaming and trying not to call out for me. I want so badly to respect her choice, but I'm so filled with dread I grip the kitchen table in front of me so hard I can hear it cracking. Suddenly the stirring is replaced with something much worse. I feel a sudden hollowness inside of me that I've only felt once, the day she hurt herself. I'm out of my chair and out the door in a flash. I get into my closest car and speed down my driveway. I push the gas pedal all the way to the floor. I think I manage to break every traffic law on the way to her apartment. When I get to her apartment I don't even bother to turn off the ignition or close the door before running into the building. "I need to see some identification sir", some guard tries to stop me. I don't even think before I throw him across the room and start sprinting up the stairs. I get to her apartment and break open the door. Pausing for a second I listen. She should be screaming in pain right now. The place is silent. I almost think she's not here until I hear the faintest breathing I've ever heard. I race towards the sound of her breaths and slam open the bedroom door. What I see is horrifying. There lies my mate pale and motionless next to an open bottle of pills.
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