Afternoons

getting used to it

Eleanor and I lay in bed, holding onto each other like if it were our last time seeing one another. I was so happy, I was overjoyed. I could not describe what I was feeling at the moment. My heart was exploding, the emotions were too much I couldn't handle them. They were too much I couldn't help but let a small tear out. Eleanor reached up and wiped it away with a smile.
I'm glad that she was smiling. Just a few seconds ago I confessed my love towards her. She hasn't said she loves me back and I don't expect her to. I'm not expecting nothing in exchange. Isn't that what love is? Giving and not expecting anything in exchange.
I know that I would do anything for her and not expect her to do anything in return.
I wouldn't think twice in doing anything for her.

I can hear 16 year old me yelling at me right now. I would tell be telling myself that I'm going soft, that I've fallen for someone, that I am showing emotion and that is the whole truth. I'm glad that it's that way. I'm extremely grateful that the person I fell in love with was Eleanor. I'm so grateful for her. I truly am.

"You dozed off for a second," she whispers.

I chuckle lightly. "I sure did."

Silence falls upon us like a blanket, a comfortable one. I've noticed that silence doesn't necessarily mean something bad. It can be good in a lot of cases. Silence can be louder than noise itself. Silence can scream. It can communicate for people without words being said.

The silence was broken when Eleanor spoke again.

"I don't know how to say it," she says as she grabs ahold of my hand. She intertwines our fingers.

"Say what?" I question confused.

"That I...love you back," she mumbles the last part which made me shrink a little. Maybe it wasn't her intention but the way she said it, it sounded like if it were such a big secret. I do understand that the word "love" can be strong. I also know it can be difficult to say it in some situations but I don't necessarily think it's something to hide. It's not something to be ashamed of either.

"Well you don't have to say it back," I say.

"I know but...I want to I just can't express it with words, you know? Like...what I'm feeling is something more than love, it's beyond love, if that makes sense. Is there an emotion that can be beyond love?"

So yes, I was overthinking her previous words. That's what I do and I need to stop before I hurt myself again.

"I don't know but I know exactly what you feel," I say with a smile that I could not contain.

I can't contain smiling when I'm around her. I can't contain a lot of stuff when I'm around her. Like the fact that my heart always jumps when I see her or think of her. Or that my brain immediately thinks about her at any random moment.
She does so many things to me without her knowing. It's unbelievable really.

"That's good."

I hum in response. The smile was still plastered on my face, from her point of view, I most likely looked like an idiot drooling over her.
Can't say it's not true.

After we rest for a while we decide to check on my mom. She told us that she wanted to give us something, I saw the box, I just don't know what was inside. The box was somewhat big, there could be anything in it.
Maybe she is finally kicking me out the house.
I wonder what it would be like to live on my own. Just me in my house. No children to wake up to. No extra mouths to feed. Only having to take care of myself. It sounds great!

We go in search for my mom but we couldn't find her anywhere.

"Where's mom?" I ask Axel.

"Uh...1st base, I believe."