Tips for trans guys

I quit.

I thought it would have been long enough, and that I could have been better, but I am worse and worse every day. I relapsed on my eating disorder and self harm. I can't stop fucking crying. 

I told  a toxic person to go fuck off and felt proud of it, but she got more contact and the last few person I was able to go to and say hello just straight up ignore me now.

My parents fight all the time and my brother don't speak to me. I'm alone.

I feel like I wouldn't even be missed. It hurts when you realize you really are alone. The moment when you stop imagining having support, people telling you not to do it, and you realize you are alone in your room with absolutely no one caring about you cutting yourself or not.

I kind of wish they had seen my scars, or realized I wasn't eating. But I got away so easily with it. Because I don't matter. The only time it matters is when someone else is with me. But I'm alone.

And yes, I'm fucking crying right now, I can't stop it, I feel horrible, I'm exhausted, as much mentally as I am physically from starving and loosing blood.

Why even bother planning transition when I can just die? Why even bother trying to finish this book that I know is complete shit, when I could just die now? I have pills. I have a window. I have a razor lame. I have so many choice. I'm just scared of what could be after.

I say all of that and I think it, but I know I won't do it. I won't have the balls to finish the job as usual.

Why am I writting this here? I told you, I'm alone. I'm so fucking alone.

I guess this is a cry for help. Or many it is not and I just need to get this out of my system.

I know you are tired of these sort of chapters from me, always complainning, crying like a pathetic shit, but anyway I don't think I'll write anymore. 

I don't even know what I am doing. 

I just want to die.

I don't have any more tips to give you. I wanted to finish this thing well, in joy and all, but I guess not.