It was a wonder Minho didn't trip with how fast he was rushing down the stairs when he could hardly see through his blurry eyes. He was just so desperate to hide. There were so many things to hide.
Burning hot cheeks. Wet, watery eyes. A trembling jaw. Uneven, uneasy, heavy breathing.
Unfortunately for Minho, Jisung wasn't far behind him when he shut himself into his pitch-black dorm room. He'd lost the sense to lock the door, and went straight to his bed. Just seconds later Jisung was knocking profusely; desperately, but Minho wouldn't answer. He refused to let Jisung see him this way.
Shaking and scratching at himself all over; pulling at his hair, skin, clothes— anything. Biting lips, cheek, tongue, thumbs— anything.
Every sound, every footstep, and especially every knock that came from outside his door terrified him and made him panic even more. Minho wanted to run away, but he was too scared to move. And besides, even if he did run away, where could he go?
Desperately, he wanted to be alone. But Jisung opened the door anyway. Why did he always have to pry?
Desperately, he wished Jisung would leave him be, and that he wouldn't see him the way he was right now. He was a mess. When the door opened, he was curled in on himself, unable to lift his head, on the verge of tears, trembling where he sat on the end of his bed. He clamped a hand over his mouth, squeezing his jaw with all his strength to keep all the pitiful sounds and horrible feelings concealed, and he wrapped the other around his knees, trying to keep away from anyone that might come near him.
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『 ↳✧･ﾟ
it's just so humiliating.
please... stop. why is this happening to me? why me?
embarrassment burns my skin; sets it on fire till it's redder than ever.
stop it! i don't want these feelings! i hate them! i don't want you to know i have them— i don't want anyone to know! i want them gone!
˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥ 』
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"Hyung?" Jisung prodded, gently. "Hyung, please... talk to me," he begged.
Minho wasn't sure if it was just that he wouldn't speak, or that he couldn't; either way, no sound came from his mouth. All he could do was shove his chin further into his chest to hide the stupid, embarrassing tears now dribbling down his cheeks and wetting his knees.
A silent minute passed. Minho felt a hand cover his softly; unravel it from wherever he had it tucked as he hugged his knees, then grip it firmly.
He hated it, mostly because it was so comforting. It was grounding, in a sense. It kept his hand from shaking violently like it had been, anyway. The sensation of Jisung's skin on his didn't feel nearly as repulsive as it normally would have for some reason, but it might have just been the fact that he was too distracted by everything else that was going on in the moment to care.
Still, he hated this moment with every fibre of his being. It was quiet— so quiet that Jisung could hear his shuddering breaths. Though he still had his eyes shut and pressed into his knees, he could feel Jisung's stare on him, just as he always did, watching him remain hunched over, unable to move or even look at him; utterly pathetic.
but if i asked you, you'd say i'm not pathetic for this, right? it doesn't matter. i know i am.
It took an annoyingly long time for Minho to force any sort of sound out of his mouth, especially with all the effort it had taken to keep himself quiet just a short moment ago. He put all his strength into his hoarse and sore vocal cords, and was finally able to utter a weak, quiet, 'go.'
Possibly confused- maybe just not able to hear him well (Minho's voice was small, frail, and near-silent, after all), Jisung called, "Hyung?"
Like an idiot, Minho tilted his head up and looked at him, forgetting his blotchy, damp cheeks and shining eyes. It didn't matter that Jisung would've only just barely been able to see them, with the light shining in from the hallway. It was just another thing to regret that night.
"Go, Jisung. Please. Just go."
This was Minho's complete refusal of Jisung's offer to come to his rescue.
He watched out of the corner of his eye as Jisung sighed and turned to finally leave him alone. Unfortunatley, he saw the way Jisung looked back at him just one more time, wistfully, and then he was gone. Quietly, Jisung shut the door behind him.
And instantly Minho was thrown back into a wave of near-thrashing— violently shuddering and gasping for breath and gagging and tensing up his muscles in bursts till they trembled.
꘎♡━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━♡꘎
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it sounds awfully dramatic but thinking about what i based this chapter off of makes me want to die just a lil bit
it's incredibly difficult to keep myself from doing a violent kinda full body shiver and gagging hard whenever i think about it, which is way more often than i'd like. these memories just haunt me endlessly... haha
i feel the need to apologize for all of this sdjfsdkfsl
