hold me ♡ minsung

43. things holding me back

♥ 

FEBRUARY 17

some things are holding me back.

.

   Minho was honestly, whole-heartedly, painstakingly trying. The voice in his head was no longer allowed to control his life— assuming he could keep this up. Assuming he could keep out of the grasp of his artificial nature and conscience. 

   If it was really true, and not just another one of his delusions, that everything— the perpetual disgust, repulsion, discomfort, anxiety, misery, and most of all the crippling fear of weakness and the strange, skewed sense of right and wrong that no one else seemed to have— had come from an all-consuming childhood desire to be accepted and loved by his cold and distant family... if he really believed that, then there was absolutely no reason to go back to his old ways of always, faithfully and blindly listening to the voice in his head anymore. 

   He no longer wanted the love or acceptance of his family, so why hold onto the voice that told him exactly how to to chase it?

i swear. i'm going to learn to live the way i want now. freely.

 i only get one life to live and even if i feel like i don't deserve it, i want to be happy.

   Minho woke up this Saturday to the sunshine pouring in from his un-closed blinds (more like stabbing him directly in the eyes), softly sighing to himself in the quiet as he opened his eyes. He pushed the covers off of his chest and sat himself up, after probably ten or so minutes of lying there motionless, as if he was waiting for something.

   ...Where was the guilt? Where was the panicked screaming in his brain? Where was the 'i should've kept it to myself ' ? 

   Last night, he talked to Jisung, and yet?

   ...Nothing. Crickets. Stillness in his mind.

    Maybe this 'changing' thing wasn't gonna be just a phase, like he worried (but expected) it would be. Maybe 'home' and 'family' were actually achievable things, not just distant daydreams that would never come to fruition.

   But... It wasn't as if he could just walk into 2Chan's room and suddenly pretend that he was just like everyone else in there (was it?). Minho's way of distancing himself from everyone, and his hostility to anyone who challenged that or even brought it to attention made him unapproachable and somewhat intimidating. He'd probably have to do something about that...

   He turned his eyes to the empty bed on the other side of the room, a slight frown setting in.

    There were two people in the friend group in particular that Minho felt especially estranged from, so much so that he actually felt like... he wanted to do something about it.

my family was always all about pretending.

pretending everything was fine. like we were a normal, healthy family with normal, healthy relationships. not talking about issues. pretending we didn't even have them.

but i want to be a part of this family, which (thank goodness) doesn't do that.

some things are holding me back.

...and at this very moment, by that i mean a fairly new sense of guilt towards one person and long pent-up anger and frustration towards another are keeping me from trying to ease into this seemingly impossible-to-reach thing called family.