Canvas of Love | TxS

47 - losing her mind

- Maddy -
-- A Week Later --

I felt as my shoes got buried into the snow as soon as i stopped just before the shore. My hands crossed into a tight lock from the wave of coldness that brushed right towards me but i kept still, studying the body of water.

It's still winter. My favorite season. At this point that will never change from what happened in summer. I don't think i'll ever look at a beach the same way despite feeling glad i got out of it alive.

Honestly, am i glad?

I thought i was getting better, i honestly did. A year is a long time when you're referring to a specific moment but i'm still trying to figure out what the fuck is wrong with me and why i'm never enough.

Why am i blaming my own self though? If Lauren wouldn't do the thing she knows makes me sad, i would never feel like this.

But still, it's me that isn't good enough for her, right? She would listen to me of leaving that job if i actually was enough.

That's it, right? I blame her too much.

Most of the time for a reason, for a reason that does make me ache but she still tries to do something about it so i should feel guilty.

"Never have seen someone so mesmerized by the waves." A voice brought me back in reality and i gave a glance next to me. "I wouldn't call it being mesmerized." I responded but had no desire to look back out to the water so i turned around, ready to leave the area.

"What is it then?" Ryan questioned, following after me.

"Overwhelmed and sad." I commented with a smile to make it sound less negative. "Why? Is it because it's a beach in the winter? Sure, doesn't hold the same beauty as in summertime so i get you."

"Ryan, it will never hold the slightest speck of beauty towards me anymore but i don't wanna talk about it. Can you drive me back to the cabin? We can hang out there a little bit too." I said, watching him deliver back a hesitant nod but nonetheless we headed towards the parking lot.

- - -
I pressed my palms around the warm tea cup, actually feeling as it was slightly burning me but nothing in me wanted it to stop.

"You seem so sad today." Ryan's voice brought my eyes up as he was sat just in front of me. "I'm okay." I faintly replied, refusing to form a fake smile as i rather took a sip from the drink.

"Is it Lauren?"

God. My heart just wants to explode from hearing her name. But not in pure excitement and joy but rather how full of pain it is.

"She said she'll come back this weekend but it's already Sunday night." I confessed.

"Maddy, she doesn't deserve you." His response was serious before standing up and walking over to my side.

"I've already said a lot when it comes to decisions about what you should do but i'll repeat the most important one and that is for you to move on." He spoke out whilst holding my hand in his.

"One day the pain won't ache, your eyes won't soak up but that's exactly what will make you at peace because you moved on."

"Ryan, i can't."

"She has abandoned you, Maddy." He sternly replied. "What other reason do you need to understand that she actually doesn't care how you're doing?"

"She'll call. I know it."

"You're dumb. I'm sorry but i have to say it. How do you even know she's away because of work? What if she's there because of someone else? Cheating, not being faithful?"

"Don't say that." I immediately spoke back, glaring back at him. "I'm being honest, Mads. Just because that's the worst assumption doesn't mean that it can't be true." He replied and i honestly felt this trigger of something in me.

What if that's actually it? What if she.. gave me up? There's no way i was that delusional though. I know every time she kissed me was because she wanted it, not because i asked for it.

But what if?

"Go, Ryan. I wanna be alone." I admitted and pulled my hand out of his, watching as he stood up right after.

"See you tomorrow at the shop?"

"Yes. Goodnight." I responded and he didn't hesitate to just head for the door.

My body stood up and i made my way to the bedroom. Shutting and locking the door behind me before i walked to the wall table.

My hand gathered the most memorable gifts from Lauren and i loaded them up in an empty box but before i was about to store them out of my sight, i noticed something just underneath a few clothes.

I pulled the sketch book out and sat it on the table, i carefully flipped through the pages but took a longer pause on one.

My finger traced the faded ink before moving over the tear stained spots that began dropping on the paper.

Lauren and me. It's like i found a perfect sketch of who i once was. Now it's weird to look at it from knowing that we don't exist in each other's life anymore.

It's even weirder to acknowledge the fact that you really know you love someone when you can't hate them for breaking you.

"I'm back, Maddy." The faint whisper of her voice entered my ear and her hands tightly hugged me from behind.

"Lauren?" I turned my head around to be faced with hers. "I missed you." Those words brushed against my lips and i immediately let my forehead rest against hers, closing my eyes to truly take in the moment of peacefulness.

However as soon as i felt the warmth vanish, i pulled my eyes back open to be met with thin air. I panned my stare towards the door to see as it was closed and still locked shut.

Am i seriously losing my mind? This deep stress and emotions are killing me to the point that i'm hallucinating things i wish would happen?

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