Bad Boy Knows My Secret (BxB)

23 - The Melancholy of Jesse Goodman

"Is your nose alright?" Andrew asked once he sat onto the driver's seat and started the engine of his car.

"Yeah... It's fine." I muttered.

I was still a little dizzy after the events of tonight. I wanted to forget everything because it was one of the most terrifying moments of my entire life. I had to face my fears and not in a good way at all. This experience wouldn't help me get over them it would make everything even worse. Even though I was already scared of water now I felt like my condition's gone way worse.

But behind all those terrible thoughts there was one memory that was different from all of them. It was a happy one, or at least more refreshing than others.

I'm talking about the hug that happened just a few minutes ago. It wasn't very long but for some reason it felt like Andrew and I were hugging for a century but at the same time when we parted I felt a little sense of dissatisfaction. I wanted more but I would never admit that to anyone because it was so wrong to feel that way but it was also something I couldn't deny.

Even though I just said that I wanted to hug him that doesn't mean that I wasn't angry at him. He disappeared for so long and left me so his stupid ex would tear me in half.

I knew Andrew wasn't the one to blame for what happened but I couldn't help to feel a little mad.

But most of all, I was frustrated at myself. Why? Because I let my childish dreams and hopes to take away my sense of reality. The truth was that Andrew wasn't someone who'd help me whenever I was in trouble. I couldn't rely on him because that would just be stupid of me. He had his own problems to deal with. I don't know why I expected that he'd be by my side when clearly he had an ulterior motive but I wasn't sure what that was yet.

"Let's take you to the hospital, just in case." Andrew said without removing his eyes from the road.

Ugh, I just don't get what he's trying to do. One minute he's so rude and obnoxious but then he turns into my fairy godmother?

Why is he worried about me? I just don't understand what he wants from me. He wouldn't help me if there wasn't some benefit for him as well but I don't see what that could be right now.

"It's just a nosebleed." I assured him because I wanted to avoid going to a hospital again. "And it's already stopped. There's no need to go there."

Andrew sighed and continued. "I think it would be best if you at least saw a therapist after what you've been through."

"And how exactly is that going to help me?" I asked but didn't wait for his answer since I knew it would've been something that would clearly annoy the hell out of me. "What would I tell that therapist of yours, ha? That I tried to kill myself because my own mother failed to do that 18 years ago? Or the fact that I'm gay and that just makes everything even more complicated than it already is. You know damn well that I can't be honest with anyone in this homophobic town."

I never really talked about that kind of stuff with anyone. I did have a few conversations about my sexuality with my friends Lucy and Felicity but they were so mad at me that I doubt they'd care about my problems.

But I haven't talked about my twin brother or the fact that my mom basically thought that I was the reason behind of all her bad fortune.

So why the hell am I saying this stuff to Andrew? I just don't get it.

"I didn't mean to..." Andrew tried to defend himself but I just rolled my eyes.

"Of course you wouldn't understand how I feel. I mean, how could you? Your life's a piece of cake compared to mine." I frowned and looked out of the window, avoiding Andrew's gaze. "Do you have any idea how it feels like when you're forced to lie to everyone you know because they would never accept you as who you truly are? Sometimes when I'm in school I overhear some students talking about gay people and how they think we're pathetic and disgusting. As if being yourself was a crime in this cursed place. I want to scream and tell them how wrong they are but I don't have enough courage to do that. And even if I did, that wouldn't change a thing. People in this town are so closed-minded that even if I try to rationalize with them, they'd still stick with their opinions and traditions. It's useless to fight when you already know the outcome. But living like this isn't even living to me. It's just surviving and hoping that one day everything will be different, that someone will come and change their perspective. But of course that'll never happen because some people are just too stubborn. Ugh, I'm not even sure why I'm bothering to tell you all of this. You probably don't even care."

Andrew seemed puzzled from my words and to be honest I was also very shocked from my actions. Talking to him like this was way too risky, since he could easily destroy my life if he didn't like something I said.

"You're wrong." He finally broke the silence after a while. "People's minds can change."

I wasn't entirely sure but I could tell that there was something off with his tone. His voice was a little shaky as if he was trying to believe in his own words but once he heard them out loud he wasn't so sure he was right anymore.

"It's funny to hear that from you of all people." I responded with a hidden aggression. "You're no different from them. Did your perspective change when you heard that I was gay?" He opened up his mouth to answer my questions but no words came out from his mouth, instead he sighed and avoided eye contact with me. "See, that's exactly what I mean."

"Look, I know that things are hard for you but I think if you opened up your eyes, you would see that not everyone's against you." Andrew tried to calm me down with his words.

"You're right, not everyone was against me. I had friends who loved me unconditionally and respected me. But I fucked that up and now I'm all alone..." I said with desperation in my voice.

Now that I think about it I realize how much of a jerk I was to Lucy and Felicity. They only tried protecting me but I pushed them away from me.

And I think that's what I've been doing my whole life. I always complain how I want everyone to accept me but when my closest friends tried to understand me I lied and kept secrets from them. Of course they were mad at me. Jeez, even I'm mad at myself. I'm such a bad friend that I'm not even surprised that they finally got tired of all my bullshit and left.

Maybe this is for the best. I don't want to put them in an uncomfortable situations where they have to lie and cover for me. I only bring trouble and destruction for the ones around me, so maybe it's better if they keep their distance from me.

Just because I can't have a normal life, it doesn't mean that they have to suffer for me as well. If anyone deserves to be happy it's Lucy and Felicity. And if all it takes for them to be happy is for me to stay out of their lives I'll gladly sacrifice my personal needs for them anytime.

"You're not alone." Andrew put his hand on mine. I startled and tried to escape from him but he wouldn't let me. "I'm here with you."

See? This is exactly what I'm talking about.

How is he so bipolar? I just don't get what he's trying to achieve with this. He must have some sort of hidden agenda.

Unless... unless he doesn't.

Maybe he's not like my mom who always wants something else in return.

Maybe he actually does care for me.

Maybe I was asking too much from him and expecting that he'd be my knight in shining armor when in reality he was just trying to be my friend.

"Why... why are you doing this?" I wasn't sure what the reason behind his strange behavior was so I decided to ask him directly. I was just way too tired from all the lies and secrets and I just wanted everyone to tell the truth for once. "Sometimes you act like a heartless jerk and other times you're doing everything to comfort me. It just doesn't make any sense. What do you want from me?"

Andrew breathed in and for one moment I thought that he was actually going to tell me everything but soon he turned his head oppose to me and I realized that my hope that he'd actually be honest was just ridiculous.

"I can't tell you... yet." He sounded defeated and exhausted at the same time. "But I promise I'll explain everything to you very soon. Just... now is not the right time."

I wanted to roll my eyes so bad but I forced myself not to do that because I decided it would be inappropriate. "Ugh, do whatever you want. I don't even care at this point."

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Well, there goes another chapter. This one may feel like it's all over the place and that's probably because I was pretty tired when I wrote it. Anyhow, I hope you enjoyed it and thank you for reading.

Fun fact – this story was actually called Melancholic before I renamed it into what it is now. I changed it because I felt like this one was more appealing.