When I Met Him

𝐂𝐇𝐀𝐏𝐓𝐄𝐑 𝟏𝟖

He is holding my hands in most loving and caring way possible. His fingers are tangled with mine, our palms touching till the point where I can feel the heat of his hands on mine. He brushes his thumb abutting mine and the sensation is so overwhelming it feels like my hands are melting against his. I am mollifying. 
He is looking at me with his deep brown eyes and every time I try to break the eye contact, he presses his thumb on mine and tilts his head to my side.

"Tell me everything about it" he is calm. I am practically bashful under his sight, unable to look at him how will I speak. "Come on Muskan, we don't have all day."
"It happened long ago, we broke up." I said fluttering my eyes. 
"Details Muskan, details." such a demanding man he is.
"We broke up because I was not happy with him. He was cheating on me with a new girl every month. I don't want to cry always, that's why I chose to leave him. I picked myself, my happiness over him. That's it, this is the most detailed explanation I can give to you." I don't know why my voice came out cracking.
"Did this happened after I---...you know..." he dithers.
"No, it happened before that. I am sorry I didn't tell you this before I thought its useless."

He's quiet. Is he mad at me? I know I did wrong by hiding this from him, he came to know this from someone else and not me. He is hurt. Now that I have impaired him, I should try to fix it.
I hold his hand even tighter this time by myself, my fingers digging tight to the back of his hands,

"I am sorry, I won't hide anything from now on. Don't be mad. Say something, just don't be so quiet, I don't have the habit of seeing you so shallow." We are not in a relationship, I've not given any commitment to him yet, but I can't breathe properly if I am the reason he is hurt.
"I am not quiet because you hid that thing from me, I am quiet because I thought I was the reason for it---" his eyes searches mine "but I am not, right?" he says huskily.
"I don't get it" I am confused. 
"I thought you'd say that I am the reason you left him. That you chose me over him. But this isn't the case, is it?"

Is this the reason he became quiet suddenly? He wanted me to choose him. But I am here with him, holding HIS hands, I've already plumped for him. He is an idiot no doubt.

"Shaad..." I said in serene.
"Hmm" he is truly sad about it. I look into his eyes directly, I am not holding back this time as I go,
"If I'd say that I chose you over him, it means that I replaced him with you, and you are too flattering to be someone's replacement. You exist in my world in a way that no one does, you are so, so, special.  You hold a place completely of yours in my life, where you are the only resident, no one was there before you and no one will be there after you. IT WILL ALWAYS BE YOU."

I don't know from where these lines came on my mind but it's better to speak what's going in our minds before it gets too late. As I said this, Shaad's eyes get filled with emotions, emotions that are in his heart just for me. And what I told him just now, I mean it from the bottom of my heart. I've never said such things to anybody before nor I ever will. Our eyes are locked, I am not looking away this time, I want him to know that every word I say to him I MEAN IT. I wish I could tell him that the feelings are mutual, what he feels for me I feel that a hundred times more, but I can't. I am afraid. I am scared if I show him my love, if I share my feelings, he will change and leave me like everyone does before. But this boy, there's this boy and the way he makes me laugh, makes me smile and the way his talks gives me butterflies, and everything about him makes me happy. I choose him. And I'll choose him over and over. Without pause, without a doubt, in a heartbeat. I'll keep choosing him no matter what.

Just as he is about to say something, the break is over, Komal and Aftaab walks in and I had to go back to my place, leaving his hands. Every doubt that I had on my mind is cleared today. I exactly know what I feel and for whom I feel for. I am not going to share this with anyone, not Komal, not Afrid, no one. Afrid loves me enough to understand why I chose Shaad for myself, it's not because Shaad loves me, it's a bonus, the main reason is what I feel for him. Not in my entire life I've met anyone taking this many efforts for me. How I met him, and he made me wonder why I ever thought I didn't deserve the world. 

The lecture is finally over, and we get to leave. The talk happened between us just now, he must be thinking about it. "Goodbye" I said. "Goodbye, text me when you reach home" he has developed this habit since that one day when he jokingly said it to make Komal suspicious about us.

ME: Reached home!

SHAAD: Me too!

I don't want things to get awkward between us now. I may have not told him that I love him too, but I've confessed enough. If he is smart, he will take this as a hint.

SHAAD: You there?

ME: Yup.

SHAAD: I trust you, and every word you told me today.

ME: Thank you!

He is calm to my chaos...I was suffering alone before him until WHEN I MET HIM.