Behind the Screen

Chapter 45

"You know it worries me when you say shit like that," Chloe said as she cautiously glanced over at me.

"Well it's - it's not a big deal," I said, "or I don't know, maybe it will be."

"Damn Katie," Chloe sighed, "what is it then?"

"So you know I told you that I saw my ex a while ago?" I asked her.

"Yes..." Chloe said, "I remember."

"Okay well," I sighed, "we ran into each other not long ago when I was out at a bar, and we kind of started talking again."

I could see Chloe tense up, but she didn't say anything.

"We hung out again the other day and um," I paused, not wanting to finish the sentence I'd started, "we kissed, that's all, but I mean - after everything I - I felt like I should tell you."

"Okay," Chloe said slowly, "do you still have feelings for him?"

"No," I shook my head, "I mean I definitely thought I did that night, I'm not going to lie."

"But, right after we kissed I realized it was a mistake and I told him I couldn't do it," I continued.

"Well I mean," Chloe started, "it's not like I like hearing that, but it's also not like I have any reason to be upset after what I did."

"I'm still sorry," I said, "I felt bad immediately after it happened."

"No it's okay," Chloe said as she shook her head, "it's not like we were - or are dating right now."

"I know, but still..." I trailed off.

"It's not a big deal Katie," Chloe said as she looked over at me, "promise."

"Okay," I sighed, "I've just been so confused."

"What do you mean?" Chloe asked.

"Well I was upset with you, then I thought I had feelings for Spencer, then I felt bad about leading him on, then I - " I paused my rambling and looked up at Chloe before I continued, "I didn't want..."

She looked at me expectantly, waiting for me to finish.

"You didn't want what?" She asked.

I sighed as my hands fidgeted in my lap.

"I didn't want to still have such strong feelings for you after all of this shit," I finally admitted, "but I did - I mean I do, but after everything with Mason I...I don't know."

Chloe opened her mouth like she was going to respond, but she stopped, seeming to reconsider what she was going to say.

"I don't know how to feel about that honestly," she said, "I mean I - I guess I understand, but yeah...it's a little complicated."

"I know," I sighed, "I um, it's weird, I don't know."

"Well," Chloe started, "we can figure it out, there's no rush."

"And I know I still need to earn your trust back," she continued, "I know I messed this up."

"Yeah, um, it's just a lot to think about I guess," I said, still not sure how to feel.

Chloe nodded as we both sat there in silence, feeling the tension increasing between us.

"I'm uh," she started, "I think I better get going, it's getting late."

"Okay," I said, "you sure you're okay going home and everything? I can call Luke again if you want."

"No," she shook her head, "I'm fine, thank you though. I think Mason has gotten the picture, at least for tonight."

"I would sure as hell hope so," I said.

She patted my thigh lightly as she stood up from the couch and walked towards the front of the house. I got up and followed her out, and I held the front door open for her.

"I'll talk to you soon," she said as she went to walk out.

She paused as she walked by me and turned to face to me. I felt my breath catch in my throat as her body stayed close to mine. No matter how much uncertainty I felt about Chloe and I's relationship right now, there was still no doubt of the effect that she had on me.

"Are you sure we're okay?" She asked me, "just in general I mean."

I couldn't help but be distracted by her proximity to me as I tried to find the right words to respond.

"Yeah, we're um - yeah, it's fine," I stuttered.

"You don't sound very convincing," she said with a grin as she took another step closer.

"I told you it's just a lot to think about," I said as I tried to avoid meeting her gaze.

"Mhmm," she said quietly.

I continued to feel her eyes on mine, and she reached up and put her hand under my chin. She tilted my face up towards hers, and I felt like I was forced to look her in the eye.

"Chloe..." I said hesitantly.

She slowly leaned in, and I couldn't tell if I wanted to pull away, or let this happen. Her lips gently pressed against mine, but my thoughts quickly went back to Spencer and how much I had regretted our kiss.

I abruptly pulled back and turned my head to the side.

"I'm sorry," I mumbled, "I can't do this, not when I'm so unsure about everything, I don't want to do that to you."

Chloe let her hand fall to her side as she looked down at the ground.

"No you're right," she said, "it's probably not a great idea...I'm sorry."

"You don't have to be sorry," I said as I looked back to her, "I just um, I don't want to mess anything up again, I feel like I still need some time."

"Right," Chloe said as she stepped the rest of the way out the door, "that's understandable, I'll just see you later then."

She walked out to her car, and I could tell she was disappointed, even though she was trying to hide it. I felt bad, but my mind was such a mess the last few weeks that I had to let things settle down some more first.

I shut the door behind her and leaned my back against it as I sighed. I wasn't sure how the hell I had managed to get myself into such a mess, or how to get out of it.

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