I was okay with sparkling Twilight vampires... but these steam-sniffing goons pushed me to the edge.
So I was dreading going in to this. Then I rewatched The Shining and I was dreading it even more. Not from a scary perspective, just from a "over-rated classics" sufferance. But it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be. It has a much better and clearer story than it's predecessor. It actually knows how to combine multiple forms of haunt and telepathy into a coherent tale. It actually, lo and behold, explains what "the shining" actually is and all the forms it can take.
But then the shine rubbed off a little when they decided to focus solidly on "THE STEAMING." That's right the semi-immortals of this story feed on "the steam" that comes out of shiny-people when they die. I spent a lot of time wondering if it smelt like farts. They tried to say it was blueberries, or whisky, or flowers, but farts seems right. Logically burps or bad breath would be more likely, but farts was stuck in my head.
The baddies are great. The story is a little ponderous and doesn't need 2.5 hours. Ewan McGregor is the grown up version of the kid from the original and he teams up with some shiny teen girl. Then they try to evade and defeat the baddies, who are kind of steam-huffing ancient-modern mortal-immortal gypsies. It goes on a bit.
The biggest theme is alcoholism. I was super, super disappointed when Jack didn't appear in the later parts. I mean hey, just get Jim Carrey in. Deep Fake it. We know you have the technology. This was the most disappointing bit, when they return to the hotel for what should be "facing your demons" and then they really don't. I thought we might get some answers, but we really just got some handwavium "it's a bad place that eats people."
And Tony never did make a re-appearance - so disappointing.
It's an okay vampire story, if you can work with the steam-sniffing.
J* gives it 3 stars.
PS. I stand by my previous statements: I still think Hocus Pocus Here's Johnny is the most culturally relevant thing to have come from The Shining. This time it's war: https://youtu.be/TMuqSlao6d8?t=4
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j* Movie Reviews 2019
HumorSpoilery recounts? Hilarious reviews? Serious takes? Just want to know what one female film reviewer who likes action thinks about the latest release? My collection of reviews from the releases of 2019.
