j* Movie Reviews 2019

X-men: Dark Phoenix (2019)

Days of Our Lives with mutants - so much emo-soap-drama.

There is way too much talking in this. So much talking. Just mutant heads talking at each other about woe, mutant woe. Why are there so many blue mutants and yet so few black ones? This was a thing I pondered a lot, but not enough to google.

Most of the story is about the angry red-headed chick swallowing some kind of universal pink-orange gloop and getting more angry and problematic. She loves them, she hates them, she tries to fit in, she gets angry and crushes cop cars, she gets angry and crushes helicopters, she gets angry and crushes trains. You get the idea. There are also these shape shifting aliens and a lot of the film is just mutants vs aliens and that is nowhere near as entertaining as the film Monsters vs Aliens.

Anyway we were just in the middle of the helicopter smashing scene when the phone rang and it was a friend asking if there was a meteor. Obviously we didn't see it cause we were watching exploding helicopters. And then the internet was all lit up with meteor goodness so I spent some time looking at that. Then my mate was yelling at me and I was all "but it's split screen - how is it messing with the boring movie!?" And he's all "It's split screen but the same speakers!" and that was probably the funniest bit of Xmen Dark Phoenix, when some mutant says "I mean you can call me a lazy prick cause it is just me standing me straight but I couldn't be fucked doing like twenty-five laps, so you-know." Anyway. I stopped watching meteor videos and facebook groups then.

But in the twenty minutes I missed something had changed and now they were putting collars on the mutants, but the angry girl was still so angry. There was a lot of drama. More drama than any other form of movie, this one. And so dull. I mean Quicksilver was in it and he's always pretty good, but the rest of them... meh.

J* gives it 2 stars.