Behind The Church

XII

Christina

"It's going to be hard. You've been through a lot and you're doing so well." My therapist tells me. She's been great. She helps me with my anxiety and depression and PTSD and even my Autism. It's all way out of her pay but she's helping so much.

"I told Kate about the thoughts and what I was doing doing to myself. She was very kind about it, but I know it hurt her because she didn't know."

"Yes, but I bet she's glad that you told her?"

"Yeah, she did ask that I let her know when I feel like that."

"She's a good lady, Christina, it's people like Kate you want to hold onto."

"I know. She's stuck with me." I smile a little. Kate does that, she brings a smile to my face.

"How's your mother, Christina?"

"I don't know. I haven't been able to ask her. She does check up on me every weekend with the rest of my siblings, except Eleanor, but she never lets me ask about her. She always dismisses my questions with,"Ohh, don't worry about me Tina Bach, worry about your little family!" It kinda upsets me that she won't let me see how she's really feeling. "

"It will do. I'm sure she is going through what you were going through. After all, she did lose your brother and your dad at the same time you did."

"I just hope she's seeking help like I am."

"You're a kind soul, Christina. Your mother is a lucky woman. But that's all we have time for today, unfortunately."

"Okay, well thank you Doctor Clarke." I say as I stand up and I perform my ritual of shaking her hand with a firm hold, to show my gratitude.

"Don't forget about the advice I gave you. I really think it will help."

"I won't, thank you Doctor. I'll see you next week." I tell her as I leave her office.

I see Kat in the waiting room, as she normally does wait for me, and I smile at her.

"Hey, my little spud-in-law, how'd it go?" she greets, wrapping her arm around my shoulder and hugging me into her side as we walk to her car.

"It was fine." I reply. I feel like what happens in therapy should be the last thing I could be telling people, it's finally that little bit of control and something that I can have for myself.

"Don't forget, you're filming a video today. Kate had Adrianna pick her up." Kat reminds me.

"Oh, I forgot."

"It's alright, you're under a lot of stress, spud. And that's what I'm here for, to remind you of the things you might forget."

"Thanks, Kat. I love you."

"I love you, too, spud."

-------------------

"Hey, love. Did it go alright?" Kate asks me when I step through the door of the studio.

"It went fine, thank you. So you wanna know what she said?"

"What's that then?" she replies as she wraps her arms around my narrow shoulders and leans in as if she's about to kiss me.

"She said I should hold onto you for as long as I can. You're stuck with me." I tell her as I lean up to kiss her lips.

"Good, because I'm not gonna leave you, ever." she said, pulling away.

"Okay, you two. Let's wrap it up and get this video on the go." Marley interrupts.

"What are we even doing today?" I ask.

"Answering the people's questions." Esther informs me with fake enthusiasm. She's been apart of the band for about eight months now, we introduced her and Kate with Decode by Paramore, where they swapped places with Eleanor and Audrey. Kate took Husky's place as lead guitarist and Esther is now the lead singer instead of Audrey.

"Fun." I say as I roll my eyes. "Let's get this over with."

We all make our way into the room where we will be filming and take our spots on the couch. This is our recording area but it doubles up as a gaming room and a casual place to film.

Adrianna starts the camera and Esther takes the lead in introducing the video. Marley and I don't tend to talk during these, we're both introverts and talking publicly is not one of our strong suits.

"Today we're going to be answering some of your questions about us. We put a Q&A sticker on our Instagram story and we had a bunch of questions come through. So let's get started!" Esther explains.

"Okay, first is for Esther, Carrie asks, 'What was it like joining the band at such a young age?'" Adrianna reads.

"I was confident because I had people to guide me through it. Christina was nine when she joined and Marley was eleven, they helped me a lot with adjusting to the new lifestyle of being in the band." Esther answers.

Nine was a such a special age. That was when I had asked Kate to be my girlfriend.

"Aw, that's sweet," Adrianna pouts, "This question is for me, Gavin asks, 'How come Adrianna switches instruments a lot?' Okay, I've only done it three times! I was originally the rhythm guitarist but our music wasn't all that great because our drummer at the time, Joel, was terrible. Could not keep a rhythm to save his life. So I had to re-record all of the drums and it got to a point where... "

Adrianna's voice faded out as my memories of Joel faded in.

"Oh, come on, Christina, stop being a little bitch. I know you enjoy it." Joel tries to reason. The truth is, I don't enjoy it. I hate it. I hate him.

"Get off of me!" I screamed. He continued to hold me down and have his way with me. I spat, kicked, punched and clawed at him, but he just wouldn't give in. This is not how a brother should behave.

"No, because you're Dad's little slut. And sometimes, I want a go."

"I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!" I repeat over and over. "You're just as bad as Dad. You're horrible!"

I feel him spill into me and I try not to let my tears of shame, embarrassment and horror leak from my eyes as he makes the disgusting sounds of pleasure that remind me so much of Dad.

"Now I have to teach you a lesson."

Then he spent the next four hours beating me and having his way with me.

"So, it's not my fault. But now we have a great drummer and not a really bad one." Adrianna's voice fades back in as the memories play in the back of my mind, over and over again. But I've gotten good at surpressing my pain.

"Kate, do you wanna read the next one?" Adrianna suggests, handing the phone to Kate.

"Rudolf, cool name, asks, 'Why are Marley and Christina so quiet?'"

I do my best to hide my pain fully as I look at the camera and lace my fingers together like a villain while smiling mischievously, making me seem evil and like I'm plotting something. This got the other girls to laugh and I feel proud of myself for making them happy. I like making them happy.

"They're introverts. Not into conversing with people they don't know. And they're both just so awkward." Esther says.

Marley and I nod in agreement. We are pretty awkward. God forbid I meet a fan or something I just wouldn't know what to do.

We answer more questions and end the video. Marley and I had barely said a word but that's how it usually goes.

"Tina, are you alright?" Kate asks while I make coffee in the kitchen.

"Yeah. Just Adrianna brought up Joel and all the memories came flooding back in. But I'm fine."

Dr Clarke had suggested when I experience flashbacks, I should just let them pass and carry on with my day. This too shall pass.

"Are you sure?"

I look her in the eyes and give her my best smile, "I'm sure." I confirm before going back to make my coffee. I feel her hands rub up and down my arms and I lean back into her, enjoying her touch and smell. She kisses my cheek and I sigh in content.