"Fuck." He whispers into my neck, sending a thrill of excitement through my body.
His lips still smothered kisses over my neck and his hands roamed my body, starting at my chest, going down to my stomach. Caressing my soft skin, his thumb trailed c...
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The word 'love' is an impossible mess.
I don't remember the last time I felt it, not even for myself. If I loved myself, I wouldn't hurt myself and let myself go through all this shit.
But I've always known that I wanted a life filled with love- receiving it, giving it, surrounded by it. But I also know that the love I've found in my family isn't quite as satisfying as I'd like. It doesn't fill me up, make me whole or give me genuine happiness that is lasting.
I'm 17 years old. I probably won't live to see my 18th birthday so I don't bother to fall in love or let myself be loved.
My thoughts are cut off as my phone rings from the bedside table. My auntie had left a couple of hours ago and I had taken a shower and settled into bed with a book. Looking over at the caller ID, I see that it's an unknown number. Cautiously I answer the call.
"Hello?"
"Hi, it's Jacob. I decided to get out of my ass and actually call you instead of procrastinating." He chuckles a little.
"I'm glad you called." I suddenly say, it was a good distraction from my thoughts which mostly would have turned into something else.
"Yeah? Why's that?"
"I'm in dire need of friends." I laugh lightly.
"So am I." He admits but I know he has many.
"You have loads of friends." I may have done some research. Just the casual stalking of social media pages.
"They're all fake. The only one who has actually been there for me is Laura."Ugh. Laura.
"Why do you still hang out with them then?" I ask him, laying down in bed and pulling the covers up to my neck.
"They're better than nothing." Respectfully, I disagree.
"I'd rather have one real friend than fifty fake friends." I tell him. As much as I wouldn't mind having fifty friends if I wasn't so socially awkward, I'd rather have the one that would stick with me. "The cards that I had been dealt were just complete bullshit so I threw them away and bought by own deck." For a moment I had forgotten that Jacob was on call with me until I heard his breathing.
"So you can control your own life..." He murmurs. "That's a different way of looking at things." He adds.
I never used to have control over my life. It was nice to regain authority and play the game by my own rules.
"Yeah, I guess."
"What are you like as a person?" He randomly asks me.
"I think I'm still figuring that out." I quietly say.
There was silence. Not awkward, just silence.
"Are you tired?" He finally asks, I hear shuffling from the other end of the line.
"No." I answer.
"You should sleep." His voice came out as a whisper but I still heard him.
"I probably should."
***
Me and Jacob talked on the phone almost every night. And two weeks had gone by before we made plans to hang out. It was different for me. I've never wanted to get to know someone as much as him. I felt myself drawn to him in such a way that I couldn't understand what was so special about him.
Our late night calls have been exactly that, calls. What the actual fuck am I supposed to do now that it's going to be face to face? What if I say something that's not funny or if I embarrass myself so much that I'll never want to see him again? Embarrassment is one of the main flaws of my anxiety.
Everyone's is different. Mine decides to force me to overthink everything and the slightest embarrassment can lead to tons of thoughts that I don't want. My brain is like a meteor. Once it crashes, it disrupts everything around it, including the land, the air. Me.
I was sitting in the cafeteria by myself and I wasn't expecting Laura to join me until I saw her alluring figure sit opposite me. She placed her hands in front of her and focused on them before looking at me. I looked back at her, my burger was almost in my mouth. Resisting the urge to eat it, I placed it on the table.
"Jacob told me about your plans." She starts, fiddling with her fingers.
"Oh." I'm not surprised that he told her. They're neighbours and very close friends. I just wish that I didn't hate her so goddamn much.
"He also told me that I should apologise to you for what I said." She sounded robotic, like she was reading lines from a script.
"Oh."
"But I never apologise to people. So I offered an alternative." Ugh. Bitch.
"Oh." Even if I didn't have anxiety, this was the only word that I could muster.
"I offer that we start over. Be friends. Which is why I will be coming over to your house to give you a makeover for your date." She smiles and tilts her head.
"It's not a date." I quickly say. She shrugs it off.
"Whatever. All I need is your address and then you can leave the rest to me."
"We're only going to watch a movie, I don't need to... dress up." I quietly tell her.
"If you want to impress him, let me help you." She smiles again. It creeps me out.
"I don't want to impress him, we're just going to watch a movie." Laura furrows her eyebrows and pouts her lip.
"Don't be difficult. Give me your number and address and I'll come over a couple of hours before you leave for the not date."
She passes me her phone and I don't argue. If this is true, at least she won't bully me anymore.
But you'll still be suicidal. My subconscious reminds me, sending a shudder through my body. When Laura leaves, I send her the address through text just in case her brain capacity doesn't allow her to remember it when I told her.
I guess it did confuse me that Jacob told Laura about our plans. He knows how much I hate her, I made it very clear. I guess if I had a friend that I was close with, I'd tell them too. But not if Jacob didn't like them. Because that's kinda weird. But then again, that's just me and my friend deprived ass. If he wanted to tell her then that was totally fine. I don't mind.
As I finished my burger and collected my things for my next lesson, I spotted Laura and Eve in the corner, Eve's eyes glanced towards me a couple of time but I ignored it.
I don't really give a shit anymore.
Hey! I hope you enjoyed this chapter.
Do you think Laura is genuine or is she lying?
I think I'm getting too emotionally attached to these characters and it's kinda concerning 😬😬.
