It Wasn't Love ✔️

Chapter 41

I stayed in bed for a week. The only time I ever got up was to use the toilet and brush my teeth. I didn't shower, I barely ate, and I think... Actually, I didn't think.

My brain was shut off for a week, and I'm not sure when I'll be okay, again. I told my auntie, who has been staying over for a while, to not let anyone disturb me and so far, it was going well.

Until now. Jacob and Laura are standing at my room. She's holding a bouquet of flowers and he's holding some chocolate. I try to smile, but I can't.

I really thought I was getting better. I honestly thought I was healing, but I'm not. I'm barely functioning, barely existing. When you don't want to live, nothing excites you and happiness is rare. This is how my life has been, that's why I don't want it anymore.

Existing is not the same as living. When you live, you enjoy it and you're happy. You exist because you're happy. The bravest thing I ever did was continuing my life when I wanted to die.

I can fake a smile anyday, anytime. That's how anxiety works. It takes control of you at random times, and it's so unexpected, that you don't know what's going to happen to you.

"Hey, Aria." I hear Laura say, but I'm numb. I don't react. I don't feel anything. The moon could fall on top of me, and I don't think I'd feel more than a scratch. "How are you?"

My voice scratches from not speaking for seven days, and my body aches from barely moving. "Like shit."

I hear her hum in sympathy before I feel someone sit next to me. Then, there's hands stroking my hair away from my face. I slowly open my eyes to meet the blue of Laura's as she tilts her head and frowns. "What's going on?" She asks. "You can talk to us, you know."

I nod my head.

"I, erm..." Laura says. "I got you flowers."

Thank you. I want to tell her. Thank you so much. But, I can't open my mouth. So, I nod my head. Her eyes soften with hurt, but she blinks it away before standing up.

"I'll give you some time to talk to her." She says to Jacob as he nods his head. "I'll wait in the car." Laura smiles at him, placing her hand on his shoulder and squeezing before walking out of my room, closing the door behind her. I slowly sit up in bed, my gaze fixed on the duvet.

"Hey," I hear him say softly, before he's next to me. His hands are slowly stroking my hair and my face is buried in his chest as he engulfs me in a hug. I feel tears prick my eyes, but I squeeze my eyes shut.

What the fuck was I thinking? Getting into a relationship when I'm so fucked in the head? What was I thinking?

"Jacob..." I force myself to speak. He moves back slightly, his palms cupping my cheeks. I feel his lips on my forehead before his concerned dark eyes meet mine. "I..." I gulp away my fears of opening up to him. It's time. "I wanna die." My voice breaks.

His breath quivers as his thumb slowly strokes my cheek. "I'm here, Aria." He whispers beofre shaking his head slightly. "I don't want you to die, okay? I don't know what I'd do without you. It would... destroy me if I couldn't hold you."

And then, I feel the tear slowly fall down my cheek. Just one tear. I know what I have to do. I just hate that I have to do it. With shaky hands, I reach over to him and take a hold of his hands. "I think..." I don't want to say it. I don't want to speak the truth, because it makes it feel real. And I, with all my heart, don't want to do this. I don't want to put this beautiful man through the pain of being with me or dealing with my problems. "We should take a break, Jacob." I whisper.

I watch in agony as his eyes close, the tip of his tongue inbetween his teeth. "What?" He asks, his voice breaks.

"The past week, I've had a lot of time to... to think about us, and our relationship." I say, my voice quivering. "I've decided that I can't put everything I have into this relationship. I'm using up all my energy and all my needs, just trying to stay alive. I want you to be my number one priority, really, I do. But I have to put my mental health first. I have to focus on myself before I can even think about jumping head first into a relationship."

"You're breaking up with me?" He asks. I close my eyes and nod my head. I can't bear to see the pain etched on his face.

"I'm sorry, but you have to understand-"

"I do. I do understand. You're doing what's best for you, and... I have to learn to live with that." He says, nodding his head repeatedly. Then, he lifts my hands and presses his lips to each of my ankles. "I'm here for you, okay? No matter what, Aria, you can talk to me. You don't have to hide what you're feeling, anymore."

I nod my head in understanding. Jacob was my happiness for so long, but he can't have that much burden on his shoulders. He can't hold my life in his hands. He can't be the only reason I'm alive. I have to want to stay for me, not just him. "Thank you." I whisper.

"For what?"

"For filling my heart with pleasure and giving me what I need to feel at peace with the world." I see him try to smile, but it doesn't quite reach his eyes. He chuckles slightly, shaking his head.

"You, Aria, are extraordinary." He whispers. Then, he gets off the bed and picks up the chocolate box. He hands them to me, and I slightly smile. "Enjoy these, okay?"

I look up at him and nod my head. He leans forward and places another kiss on the top of my hair, his lips lingering for a while.

"Look after yourself, okay?" He says, his fingers grazing over my covered forearms. "And, talk to me. I'm here. Always."

If this is unexpected, you haven't paid enough attention to the previous chapters. You'd notice how pained she was by her interractions with Jonah, and how she isn't as invested in the relationship as Jacob is. And, he doesn't deserve a half-arsed relationship. You'd notice how she's always battling her anxiety on simple things and does things quite impulsively- kissing him and agreeing on the date and getting with him. She had to fight her mind to be with the boy she likes, and it's now biting her in the ass because she's hurting him more than she thought.

Remember folks, you can't love someone until you learn to love yourself. And Aria reminds herself of that. Yes, he made her happy. But, that's not enough.

Right, I have a banging headache, so I'm going to sleep. Goodnight. Or morning. Whatever.

-H ⚫⚪⚫⚪