"Fuck." He whispers into my neck, sending a thrill of excitement through my body.
His lips still smothered kisses over my neck and his hands roamed my body, starting at my chest, going down to my stomach. Caressing my soft skin, his thumb trailed c...
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I watch in silence as Jacob pulls up his joggers, grabbing his hoodie from where it has fallen onto the floor. He looks down to where I'm still laying on the couch, a pillow covering me. I clutch it to my chest as I slowly sit up, wanting the couch to open up and swallow me whole.
"Aria-" he begins, but I shake my head, my dark hair falling into my face. He closes his mouth and pulls his hoodie over his head. I'm quiet as he slowly sits next to me, his shoulder crazing mine. I move away.
"This can't happen again." I tell him, my gaze fixed on the ground. "I mean, not until... Not until everything is okay." From the corner of my eye, I see him hesitate before he nods his head, chewing on his bottom lip.
"Okay." He says, his voice broken. "I get it." He says.
"That's not to say I didn't enjoy it, or anything, because I did. It's just the timing, and-" I stop speaking when I feel his hands on my shoulder. I look to my side, gazing into his eyes.
"Hey. It's okay, Aria." He says, placing his arm around my shoulder and pulling me close to him. "Seriously, it's cool. You know, we've... done so much stuff together, it'd be impossible not to think about it, or act on it." He reassured me. I nod my head, squeezing the pillow further against my body.
"I don't wanna make things worse, you know?" I tell him, leaning my head back onto the couch. "It's already quite... Awkward between us, and I don't wanna- I don't wanna make it worse than it already is- and I-" I'm quietened by his hand squeezing my shoulder, his lips on my temple.
"Shh." He mumbled against my skin, his thumb drawing small circles around my shoulder. "Everything will be alright, okay?"
I nod my head. Jacob smiles and slowly stands up, stuffing his hands into his pockets. "I need to get an early sleep to get to training tomorrow." He says, glancing at the clock above my head. "I'll see you at college." He says, before smiling tightly and leaving the room. I hear the front door close behind him, and I breathe a sigh of relief.
I quickly grab my clothes off of the floor and run up the stairs to my room. I rush into the bathroom and quickly turn on the shower. Dropping my clothes to the floor, I open my tied up hair and jump into the bath.
***
I stayed in bed for the rest of my night. The only thing stopping me from hurting myself is if I sleep. I only woke up when Aunty Riley came over and tried to get me to eat. Even though I wanted to refuse, she practically forced the food down my throat. Even though I might not show it all the time, I truly do appreciate her efforts. It's nice to know someone in my family cared enough to stick around.
As much as I know that they can't, I wish my parents were with me, right now. I'd feel a bit better knowing that they'd just be in the other room instead of four hours away. Even though I've never verbally admitted it, I think I'm repulsed by my parents not being around for my whole childhood. It's like they live a whole different life in a completely different part of England. Somewhere I'm not at. Somewhere they've never taken me.
I've been raised by multiple different nannies over the last eighteen years of my life, and they all had their own ways of disciplining me, and they all were completely different from each other. I never had a constant in my life. Never had present parents who gave me a set of rules to live by. They've been absent all my life.
I know I shouldn't complain. I'm living a life of luxury with more privileges than most can dream of. But, none of that matters when I feel as if my own goddamn parents don't care enough to tell me they love me. All I wanted was structure. A bit of solidarity in my life. My parents were supposed to be my solidarity. They were supposed to be the shoulder I cried on and the stability in my life. They were supposed to be here. Not just this house, but here. In my heart. Instead, it feels as if they're shifting along my ribcage, not even attempting to break through. Like my heart is some kind of disease that will kill them if they get too close. Maybe it is. Maybe it will kill them like it's killing me. Maybe it will break them like it's breaking me. Maybe that's why they won't get too close.
Anyone can be a parent. Anyone can have a child. But, a real parent is someone who puts that child above their own wants and needs. I don't want to have to beg my parents for a relationship. I want them to look at me and realise that I'm in pain. That I'm breaking beyond repair and nothing is going to fix me. No glue is strong enough to hold me together and I'm slowly falling down an abyss with no ground. I'll just fall and fall and fall, until... I die. I want them to look at me and realise that they're the help I need. They're the safety harness holding me back from the edge of the cliff.
Right now, it feels as though the whole world is turning to shit around me, and as much as I try to stop it, I have no power. I'm not strong enough to face the evil of this world. I'm not strong enough to hold out on my own and fight whichever villain is rooting for me to finally reach my braking point.
Maybe one day, I'll be healed enough to break the cycle my life until I'm able to let people in and show them what I'm really like.
