It Wasn't Love ✔️

Chapter 25

As soon as I see Laura, I grab the sleeve of her shirt and pull her to the side. "Did you tell Jonah?" I instantly ask her.

"What?" She asks, scanning my face. Her eyes were furrowed in confusion and I consider the thought that she might not have told him.

No, it was her. This is Laura. She'll tell the whole world if she could and I wouldn't put it past her. I was too quick to trust her, she's been a bitch her entire life, why would she stop now? Especially for me?

"Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about. You told Jonah about my-" I look around and make sure no one is around us. "My anxiety. You told him."

Laura's eyebrows furrow, and she crosses her arm over her chest. "No I didn't, who told you that?" She says, her face confused.

"What do you want, huh? What could you possibly want from me that you don't already have?"

"I don't want anything from you, Aria. And I didn't tell Jonah about your anxiety, I wouldn't ever do that."

I cross my arms over my chest and stare her dead in the eye. "Then who did? Because you're the only person I told."

Laura's face crumbles and she eyes darken. "Am I really?" My face falls. There's no way that... No. It's not true.

"You seriously think Jacob would tell him?"

"Well, did you ask him? Before you were so quick to blame me for it?"

Well, shit. No, it can't be him. He wouldn't do that... would he? Yes he would, he hates me. No, he likes me. Yes. No. Yes. No. No.

"And you'd throw him under the bus like that?"

"I'm not throwing him under the bus." Laura says. "If it was him, then it was probably an accident. You just need to talk to him."

***

I'm pissed. I'm pissed at myself for not knowing what to believe and I'm pissed at Jacob. If he did tell Jonah, why didn't he mention it when we were resolving our shit? 

He told me to meet him after college so I walk to where his car usually is. As soon as I get there, I see him leaning against this car. His face lights up as soon as he sees me.

I wish I felt the same but I was confused and annoyed, I didn't know what I felt. Jacob's face slightly falters when he sees the solemn look on my face and before he could say anything, I speak up. "Did you tell Jonah?"

"What?"

"Did you tell Jonah about my anxiety?"

Please say no, please say no, please say no-

"Yeah... but-" I instantly turn away from him and cradle my head in my hands. Jacob's hands are in my shoulder and he turns me around, gazing into my eyes. "I told him out of-"

"Fuck off, Jacob." I mumble, rubbing my temples.

"I was worried. I was scared that I wouldn't know how to deal with it and I wanted to be able to help you if the time came." He calmly states, circling his thumb over my shoulder blade.

"You could have told me! When we were talking earlier, you could have told me!"

"I... I know. I should have. And it was stupid of me to not tell you, especially when I had the opportunity to."

I sigh loudly and cross my arms over my chest.

"You could have talked to Laura or Charlie... why Jonah?"

"He's been through this, I'd figured he'd know what to do." Jacob drops his gaze from me and moves his hands away from my shoulders.

"You betrayed my trust by telling him, Jacob." I whisper, turning my head away from him. Trust is a fragile thing; easy to break, easy to lose and one of the hardest things to get back.

"Aria, I'm so sorry-"

I shake my head repeatedly. "Dont. Don't be sorry. I trusted you, it's my mistake."

I hear Jacob's breathing intensify and I had to step back when he reached out for me. I couldn't bare to look into his eyes, I'm afraid that if I did, I would burst into tears.

"So, what? You're gonna leave and pretend you never knew me?" Jacob's voice was small and delicate, like the smallest of cracks would completely shatter it.

I knew I wasn't ready for this, I knew I wasn't ready to take this extra step with Jacob. I'm not ready to put myself out there and take him on my journey. I had to do this on my own.

I didn't want to hurt him in process of hurting myself. I don't want Jacob to be left with the scars of my actions. I don't want him to pick up the pieces of himself when I decide that I'm not good enough for him. I don't want him to look in the mirror everyday and wonder what he could have done to save me. I don't want him to cry, I don't want him to have this never-ending whole in his heart where I used to be. I don't want that. I don't want him to care about someone who doesn't deserve it, because it means that he'll get hurt the most. I don't want any of that.

"I'm gonna leave. And I want you to forget the past few days ever happened. You'll find someone else who truly deserves you and your kindness. And I'll... do whatever it is I have to do to carry on surviving the day." I begin to turn away from him but his voice stops me.

"I deserve you, Aria. I want... you."

I immediately stop my movements. I slowly shake my head, not letting my feelings get in the way of rational thinking. Instead of walking away from him, I face him again.

"You deserve someone..." I take a deep breathe, steadying myself. "who would jump fences to be with you! Not someone who is on the fence about being with you!"

Jacob's eyes relax and his slightly parted mouth closes. I see him gulp and I couldn't bear to look him in the eye. When I do, I realise that his eyes were dropped and he was looking at the ground instead of me.

I knew that I had hurt him, but it was better sooner than later.

"If... that's what you want." Jacob mumbles before turning around and opening the door to his car.

He stumbles into it and drives away from me.

So... I fucked it up again. Yay.

But, their relationship is just getting started!

See you next Wednesday.

-H ⚫️⚪️⚫️⚪️