Blooded Mate

Chapter 95 - Regrets

A/N: Trigger warnings for depressive and suicidal thoughts.

Ethan stared out the window of the Dodge Charger as Brent drove them to school. Two black SUVs escorted them as usual. Despite the evil he had unleashed on his mate, Chris still ensured that his staff protected him.

As the memories of the last night's horror railed him, Ethan squeezed his eyes shut, trying to keep the nightmare out. A nightmare that he had caused himself.

Unforgivable!

He was the worst of the worst... Defiling the one person Luna had given him personally to protect, the only individual whose loyalty and trust he needed to cherish above all.

He had befouled the sacred covenant of a mate bond, a blessing the goddess only bestows on those who are worthy.

Ethan was not deserving of a mate.

The long line of meritorious Reyn ancestors must be storming through the great halls of the afterlife, gouging their eyes out how he had dishonored his mate. Driven by lust and fury, he had assaulted Jan, forced him against his will, nearly ra-.... rap-...

Even his mind could not summon that foul word.

A miserable whimper escaped his lips, driven out by the guilt of the beast trembling within his breast. Under the clarifying light of day and the unrelenting torment of his actions, Ethan's wolf had buried itself so deep within him that he almost felt human. His senses had dulled, his sight dimmed, and his instincts screaming for him to hide and never step out.

And as his primitive nature retreated, it stripped away the haze that had covered his morality. And left his conscience raw and battered, grappling with the monster he had allowed himself to become.

Cornered by his thoughts, a tiny part of his brain rallied in defense. He wanted to scream out to the world that it was not all his fault. The redheaded cow was also to blame. She should not have dared to touch his mate, especially when he was unstable. And Louie was the one who put that image in his head.

I didn't even know guys could do that...

Ethan sighed, deflating further into the backseat. No matter how often he repeated the argument in his head, it still rang hollow. He could not blame his emotions, his wolf, Louie, the redhead, or anyone else.

The fault was all his.

The truth was, he was his wolf, and his wolf was him. His primal self would only act on his deepest desires when let loose. So, it could never have forced itself on Jan if Ethan had not wished it.

Jan, please forgive me. I'm really sorry, he pleaded silently.

Turning his sight inwards, he sent a flaming tendril to the dark knot that was supposed to have been his connection to his mate. He pushed against it, but the gates did not yield. Just like they had not when Ethan tried moments after last night's incident hoping to convey his sincerest regrets. Or like how the sixth floor was no longer accessible because Zyga and Jeb had locked the stairs, and Chris would not allow him to step off the elevator without Jan's express permission.

His mate was shunning him.

The vampire finally had a good reason to reject their mating. And Ethan deserved every bit of pain and suffering inflicted by the oncoming bond madness.

Yet, even in this retribution, his people would vilify him and call him despicable because Luna would also punish his mate for the failed covenant. Their bond must succeed, or they both die.

Luna offered no middle ground.

Sighing again, he rubbed his eyes before opening them, turning to stare out the window. Dark shadows circled them from a night spent without sleep or peace of mind. Even his hazel irises seemed jaded as his distraught gaze sought refuge outside, away from the torments of his mind.