Poetic Justice

Too Fast

'Tell me what I got to prove
I don't mean nothing to you
You ain't got nothing to say
You're too good at walking away
I hope you're hurting'

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1 Month Later
Manhattan, New York
Belcalis Almanzar

"I think the problem is, I don't know how to love properly but I know how to fuck" I slightly chuckle thinking back on what karin said to me.

"It's funny because karin told me once, 'the only thing you know how to do besides lie is fuck good'" I softly laugh but her face didn't move an inch.

"And how did that make you feel?"

"I didn't really feel any type of way, she was right but I only lie to protect the people that I care about" I clear my throat dragging my clammy palms down my jeans.

I had been sitting across from the middle aged brown lady every Wednesday for a month now and I still wasn't completely comfortable in this setting.

The truth and realizations didn't escape these four walls, and it was suffocating sometimes.

Folding her leg over the other she sits her laced fingers on her lap looking at me intently.

I felt like I was about to break out in a sweat at any moment.

"And why do you knowingly do things that you know will hurt people, so that you are forced to lie?"

I thought about the question in depth for a second.

"It's in my nature now I guess, it's like I convince myself that I don't owe these people loyalty because we aren't together but deep down I know I do because their being loyal to me"

"And why do you have to convince yourself that you don't owe these people loyalty?"

"So I don't feel guilty about what I do, about the pain that I'm causing them" I let out a deep sigh of relief finally getting that off my chest.

I had some very toxic traits but i couldn't be blamed for that, certain people that I used to love made me this way.

"Have you ever intentionally hurt your partner as an defensive mechanism?" She calmly asks.

"Yes" I nod.

"Why?"

"So I can hurt them before they hurt me, I make them fall in love then I beg for distance" My voice slightly cracks and I clear my throat pulling myself together.

"And when they don't willingly give you that distance you hurt them to force them to distance themselves from you, correct?"

"Yeah.."

"Does this distance you desire after these people fall for you directly link to the fear you have of being hurt again?"

"Yes" I croak out as my throat becomes dryer than the sahara, she warmly smiles in satisfaction.

"I think we've broke through enough for today, take a deep breath to calm down and I'll be looking forward to our session next wednesday" She smiles and I take a deep breath nodding as I stood up.

Slowly releasing the air as I walk out the room.

Therapy was scary for me, but refreshing.

Michelle, my therapist, did her best to make sure I was comfortable.

I knew that this was a step that I had to take in order for me to grow into the best me that I could be.

Onika finally giving up on me was like a stab in my heart, but a puncture that I needed.

I was moving too fast and I payed the ultimate price for it because I had really lost her.

But losing her made me realize that I had too many inner issues going unspoken, I needed to heal myself.

Manhattan, New York
Belcalis Almanzar

"Finally, I could've went out and got it myself by the time you got here" She rolls her eyes snatching the bag out my hand.

"I was occupied, is complaining all you know how to do? You annoying as fuck bro" I slightly shake my head as I shut the door behind myself.

"So whatever you was doing was more important than my daughter being sick?"

Biting down on my lip I take a deep breath like I had been practicing in therapy to help control my temper.

Every therapy session I have I turn my phone off so I don't have any distractions, by the time my session was over and I powered my phone back on her messages and missed calls were over 30 minutes old.

I wasn't going to explain anything to her either, her attitude was normal to me these days.

Brushing past her I scoop a sleeping nari up off the couch.

Her eyes never open as she readjusts in my arms relaxing herself like she knew it was me holding her.

You could hear her nose was stopped up by how heavy she was breathing, my poor princess had caught a summer cold.

"How she get sick?" I ask sitting on the couch with her comfortably sleeping on my lap.

"I don't know, she came back from with quavious with a stuffed nose and a cough. Either he's sick or he had her around somebody that was, or his air conditioner was on too high or something" She rolls her eyes softly sighing as she walks in the kitchen.

"It's just a summer cold, give her that medicine and she'll be alright in a couple days" I gently press the back of my hand against her forehead, she wasn't that hot so she would forsure be coming down from this cold after a few days of medication.

"At this point I don't even care about going to court, he's so fucking stupid"

"That's yo baby daddy" I softly chuckle and I could see her head snap, glaring at me in my peripheral.

"Shut up, you always trying to be funny this isn't the time" She spits with attitude.

"Ya attitude been so horrible, relax. It's not that serious ma, I promise it's not" I lightly laugh sinking back in the couch.

"Leave me alone" She mumbles as I hear a cabinet shut.

I think she might've needed therapy more than me.

I really just like making y'all mad.