Beholder

Chapter 30

BEHOLDER.
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CHAPTER 30.
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NOKWANDA.
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I couldn't believe what I had done. What kind of a person I am. I slept with a married man after his wife begged me to respect her marriage but I went and  fucked her husband the very same night she begged me to respect her marriage. Oh my God, God surely is shaking his head in total disapproval of my actions and I don't blame him. I even myself was disapproving of my actions last night.
Why did I even let him?

I was at work and all I could think about was last night and the guilt penetrated every ounce of me. I shouldn't have slept with him.

I found myself having flashbacks of how I was scratching Jason's back as he kept digging deeper in me. His every grunt and moan rang in my ear to a point I bit on my bottom lip as I imagined him biting on them,how he kissed every spot of my body like he cared about me,the way he tied my hands behind my back and told me to take it. Yes the sex was good but it was the guilt that was making me feel dirty.

"Boom!" I jumped when Thabo did that. "What the fuck?" I threw my pen at him which he caught. "You've been blusing the whole day and I am going to guess it is because of that mosquito bite on your neck."  He laughed but that's when my hands moved to my neck. I don't know why I thought I could feel it. I swear I hid every mark he left with make up so where did this one come from?

"Is it too big?" I was jumpy mainly because I slept with a married man and deep inside of me it felt like this mark that Thabo says I have was evidence of my infidelity. "So you and Mr Botha still going strong I see." He winked at me which had me on shocked mode. Why would he say something like that?

"Jason and I broke up a long time ago. We don't even talk anymore." I said with a straight face but Thabo just laughed at me like I was lying yet I was not. We were broken up. "Well if you say so, anyways I was wondering if you want to catch a movie this weekend?" He asked and I quickly nodded. I could use a distraction. "Can you like uhm cover for me while I go fix this?" I said which he laughed to. "Of course next time tell Mr Botha to go easy on the visible spots." He teased as he made his way around my desk but I rolled my eyes at him taking my bag. "Fuck off." I got up from my chair and rushed to the bathroom.

When I got to the bathroom,I first made sure nobody was here before I began fixing the hickey that Jason left on my neck. I gulped down my saliva as I watched the reflection of myself on this mirror. Who was this woman that was staring back at me? She was not the woman I had promised to be. 

Note to self: So we are repeating history again. You are really about to become the other woman again?

"What am I doing?" I exhaled that out. Why did I let what happened last night happen?
Why did Jason do this to me?
Why did he leave me in the first place?

I saw my tears slowly travel down my cheeks and this wasn't even because of the guilt I felt for betraying the promise I made to Emma but it was because no matter how much I tried to change my fate or destiny, I stayed repeating the same thing with myself. I just wonder if my choices in men and how I allow them to treat me is because of how much my dad made sure to act like I was invincible. Could it be the reason that every man that makes me feel seen or heard is considered my soulmate by every fibre in my brain. Could my father be the reason I keep going in circles when it comes to men?

*The hurt wasn't your fault but the healing is your responsibility.* my brain recited something we saw by Facebook. It was some post about healing the inner child and just maybe I also needed to find the inner child in me and heal her so that she can stop going around trying to find a father in men that didn't care about her. All they do is just bruise her some more and I keep on letting them.

"Are you okay?" I jumped when I heard a voice and that's when I realized that Claire just walked in the bathroom and damn I hated having her see my weak side. I quickly wiped my tears and just quickly washed my hands making sure not to look up to her.