p.sunghoon → clair de lune

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I gently caressed his hair as he fell asleep, just staring hopelessly at his face. No matter how much I tried to deny it, or how many times I tried to shut him out - he'd always have a space in my heart.

I gave a light sigh, wondering what I was supposed to do in this moment.

But nonetheless, I continued just running my fingers lightly through his hair, his face was at peace, and although I wasn't completely sure if he was fully asleep, I could tell that he needed this rest.

And just staring at his face laying on me, with such exhaustion and relief, made me really feel bad for the way I was acting to him.

But the thing is, I don't know whether I'd be able to cope with myself if I admitted to him that I still like him - and I don't even want to think about what my own mother will think.

Choi Myunghee would certainly not be happy.

I gazed at him, eyes shut, skin matte and dull, his face was so pretty even though he was completely burnt out.

I leant down and planted a small kiss on his forehead, I wasn't sure what sparked me to do so, but I suddenly felt inclined to.

His lips curved ever-so-slightly into a smile, the edges of his plump lips upturning in such a miniscule way. I panicked slightly, but came to a conclusion that it was probably an unconscious reflex movement - or something along those lines.

After a while of just laying here with Sunghoon resting on me, I ended up falling asleep myself. And that was a big mistake of mine.

-

I ended up waking up very early too, it was still dark outside of his windows. Sunghoon hadn't moved, it was as if he was stone cold dead. 

I looked around, dumbfounded and perplexed. I had no idea what to do next, do I just go back to sleep? Move off his bed? Walk out?

I had no clue, and I was extremely conflicted with my own feelings. Everything felt so surreal and weird that I just wanted to run away from all my responsibilities.

Maybe Sunghoon will be able to see how it feels, when the person you love the most, just disappears.

Nonetheless, I took ahold of Sunghoon's head ever so gently, resting it on his pillow and off me, I placed the cover over him, just staring at him as the sun slowly began rising. The sun rising in Seoul was a beautiful view, especially in these penthouses.

With a sigh, I stood up, checking my phone briefly and heading out of his bedroom, shutting the door behind me without a sound.

I paused, wondering if whatever I was about to do was the right thing to do. I seriously had no clue what to do myself, I felt lost, and I didn't want to get hurt again.

I was doing better this year, but now, I'm not sure anymore.

I stared at the balcony windows, seeing all the cars driving by as the sky became a fiery orange. People were beginning to wake up, windows flickering on and off.

Well, I guess I have things to do too, and even though I feel like an absolute asshole, I shouldn't be here in the first place.

So with that, I spun around, heading for the exit before Sunghoon could wake up.

I looked a mess, walking on the streets of Seoul in the early mornings, a few cars, a few passersby. I looked so miserable I'm pretty sure people were about to start throwing money at me.

Wow, I think I'm really losing my mind nowadays.

I could've taken a taxi, or even a bus if I felt like it, but instead, I decided to make the long and treacherous walk back home.

Hey, at least it wasn't in heels.

Despite watching the sunrise in real time - which I was never able to do since I always woke up extremely early for work, then was trapped in a building for majority of the morning - it didn't make me feel any better about the option I chose.

I wonder if he's awake by now.

I opened the door to my house, giving a large sigh and heading straight to my room to change. I stared at the clothes in my hands, the ones that I wore when I was asleep at Sunghoon's house, man, it just made me feel even worse.

I'm seriously gonna have to find a new job sometime soon, I don't know how I'll even be able to cope with this conflict in my mind.