To The End With You

C h a p t e r F i f t y - T h r e e

Photo: Tsar Nicholas, Tatiana Nikolaevna, and Dimitri Pavlovich during WWI

October 1915
The year goes by in a bliss, the same schedule, of me visiting soldiers with the small pair. Papa had to go to the front, taking Alyosha with him. Edward left, I guess he wasn't impressed since he took a liking to Olga much more. They even agreed to exchange letters, great, now how are we going to escape now? Rasputin has been around more often but I avoid him as much as I can. Most days I am with Olga since she has started to get worse mentally.

Once we were walking and she broke a glass panel and then handed it to me so I went along with it and broke it as well and handed it to Maria. Tatiana was out with mama that day so she wasn't there to oppose it. I don't blame Olga's actions, she has seen death so many times take people, the amount of suffering and pain the soldiers go through.

She encounters this everyday, it takes a toll on a person, knowing that their life is your hands, desperately trying to save them but you can't, and there is nothing you can do about it.

I sit with Olga as she takes her medicine to calm down her emotions. I wonder what she takes so I ask her, "Olishka, what do you take for you to calm down?" I ask her. She shrugs and looks at the shot that Dr. Botkin is about to give her, "This is arsenic" he says. My eyes go wide, arsenic? ARSENIC?! "What?!" I sit up as he gets Olga's arm ready for the shot. "Arsenic helps calms down the emotions" Dr Botkin gets the shot ready. In a swift move, I take the three shots that Dr. Botkin has prepared and throw them out the open window with all my might, as far as possible.

Olga sits up wide eyed. Dr Botkin stands in shock, "Valentina! What on gods earth?!" She shouts as she looks at me annoyed. "Don't use arsenic, it's going to kill you!" I tell her. She looks at me, "Are you crazy-," she stops and calms down, "Valentina, I understand arsenic is bad, see? No more arsenic anywhere" she says it oddly. "I'm not a toddler! I know what I'm saying!" I stay close to the open window. Olga stands up as Dr. Botkin looks at me worriedly. "Vanya, step away from the window and we will speak about this calmly" Dr Botkin says calmly.

"No!" I shout at him taking a step back, not realizing I'm close to the window. "I'm serious! Arsenic kills!" I shout. "Valentina I understand just please-," Dr Botkin says as I step back even more as Olga tries to get closer to me. "No! You don't you are going to think of me as crazy!" I step back even more until I trip and fall out the window. Although we are on the first floor it's still high from the ground. I shut my eyes as Olga shouts in panic, "Vanya!". As I close my eyes, I expect massive pain. But instead I feel arms catch me.

I open my eyes and in my view is our cousin Dimitri Pavlovich with some officers. "Couldn't stay away cousin?" He laughs as I flush in embarrassment. I look up to see Olga looking down at me from the window with Dr Botkin, looking relieved. "Don't move!" She shouts as I don't see her anymore. "I guess I get to hold you longer you little clumsy bird" he laughs. I am embarrassed, I fell out of a window and he is laughing at me. I feel my face grow hot, I shouldn't care what he thinks, I really shouldn't. But he reminds me of the funny popular kid from school, everyone wanting to be his friend.

I snap out of my daze when I hear Olga run up to us. "Let her go Dima"Olga says filled with annoyance. "What if I don't wish to? Isn't this such a lovely day? A pretty girl fell out of the sky for me!" He laughs. Olga doesn't seem amused as she pulls me off so now I am standing on my own. "Come on Vanya" Olga takes my hand and walks back to the inside as I turn around to look at Dimitri go back to conversation with some of the other guards.

***
I sit at dinner quietly as we all 5 eat in silence. Mama is out with Rasputin speaking to some officials. "How was your day Tatya?" I hear Maria ask her. "Oh you know I-," she goes off on a tangent about some medical stuff and how she saved a soldiers life. I keep to myself, playing around with the food on my plate, thinking about today's events. Dr. Botkin probably is going to tell mama what happened or Olga will I'm not sure. But my mind isn't focused on that but on Dimitri.

The way his eyes sparkled with life and mischief. The way he was humorous. I never seen much of him although I know he is close to papa and mama. Whenever he was on trips with us I usually sat by myself or was distracted by other things. "Valentina!" I snap up to look at Tatiana. "Yes?" I say. "Mama wanted to speak with you and Olga after dinner" she says. "Oh okay" I say as I stand up, not feel like eating. "What has gotten into her?" Tatiana asks aloud. Anastasia smirks, "Not what but who?" She snickers.

Was Nastya there? Did she see? It doesn't matter anyways, they don't know what I am thinking. I walk to Mama's tea room with Olga next to me. She knocks on the door as we hear a low "Come in". I open the door and find mama sitting by her desk with Rasputin standing beside her, his imitating eyes following my very move. "Darlings sit" she says as we sit in the chairs across from them. "Olya are you feeling better?" She asks. Olga nods her head yes silently.

"Well after some thinking, I decided that Olga, you should stop nursing since it's effecting your health." Mama states. I notice Olga stiffen, she doesn't like this. "Instead you should look after the hospital, still helping the war efforts" Mama finishes. Olga's face softens, "Yes mama, thank you" she says. "Vanya, you have improved darling and with that you will become a nurse since you are of age" Mama states firmly. "R-really?" I ask surprised. "Yes, your training will start tomorrow" Mama confirms.

I sit in complete shock, I hope that doctor Botkin really doesn't say anything, imagine a nurse throwing shots of arsenic out the window. "Thank you mama" I say. "You should be grateful of your compassionate mother"Rasputin starts talking. "Yes Father" Olga says respectfully. I stay quiet. "Run along now, your mama has important work to do since your papa is gone" he orders. Olga and I stand up and say our goodbyes to mama.

But the only thing running through my mind is that I will be a nurse.