To The End With You

C h a p t e r E i g h t e e n

Photo: Grand Duchess Tatiana Nikolaevna Romanova 1912

Warning uncomfortable topics ahead

November 1912
Familiar faces followed me to my room. It was the first time I would be showing my sisters my new room. Russian ladies in waiting accompanied us as well as my Ella. I opened the doors to let all of them in. Olga stared in awe. Tatiana looked at the room with a blank stare. "It's very you Valentina, I love it!"Olga complimented. The both of them walked around, Olga pointing out familiar things.

"Oh there is the painting the small pair gave you!"

"There is the picture I gave you! It's on the night stand!"

Olga sat on my cot and smiled. "Still the same mattress! Must be nice to have a room to yourself!". She got off of it, "Do you want to join Auntie Olga and Papa?"Olga asked looking at me and silent Tatiana. "You may go! We will come soon. I want to speak to Vanya."Tatiana spoke up for the first time. Olga nodded her head and left with two ladies in waiting trailing behind her leaving Tatiana, her lady in waiting, Ella and me.

Ella distracted the lady in waiting while Tatiana and I sat on the table my room had. We sat in silence until Tanya spoke, "You are wearing the necklace I got you.". I nodded my head. "I missed you terribly darling.". I smiled at her, "Me too.". "Can't you come back?". I shook my head no. "It is odd to see us not matching like we usually do."Tatiana mumbled. Her and Olga both had on a pink dress while I wore a differently styled white dress. "How have you been holding up?"I asked her. She gave me a confused look and shrugged, "Its been very odd at home. Mama is more frustrated and annoyed most of the time. She has gotten worse in health and she will ask us to quiet down. She has terrible migraines. It ranges 1- 5. Five being the worst. She doesn't cry as much. She never really cried except when Baby was in trouble or you.".

Tatiana paused taking a deep breath looking around the room. "She doesn't show much emotion anymore. It's sometimes hard to tell how she feels. A lot of time now, she spends with me.". I nodded my head processing the information. "Has he been around much?"I asked. Tatiana looked at me in confusion then realizing who I asked about. "Oh, Father Grigori? Yes his visits became more frequent since you left.".

I looked at the table disappointingly. "Tatiana do you believe in him?"I asked. She looked away from my face. "I'm not sure. I've seen what he did to you. But I- Mama keeps talking so highly of him it's sometimes easy to forget about what he did.". "Tatiana I want to share something very personal with you? Can you keep a secret?"I questioned her.

She paused for a second fiddling with her bracelet then agreeing. I needed her to know I fully trusted her. I stood up and got my diary. I sat back down across from her and flipped to the first page. "January 1912..."I read out loud. I was reading Valentina Nikolaevna's first diary entry to her older sister. I would look up to see Tatiana's facial expressions. She was calm at first but then turned to shock and disgust. "With his cold leathery skin."I finished. We sat in silence. I watched as Tatiana processed the information I just read out loud.

Her eyes were wide and she sat still. I took her hand that laid on the table, "I don't recall writing this or remembering this."I whispered. Tatiana didn't move but kept her eyes on the table. "Tanya it's going to be ok." I comforted. I knew that it was going to be ok for her because from I gathered Rasputin was only interested in abusing me. I need her to know I wasn't alone in this. Maybe she had other information about this topic?

She finally looked up to me and didn't say anything at first. "I-why?- No! Look at this Valentina! Look at what he's done to you! I spent my birthday beside your body that everyone assumed that would never wake up! And about our shvibzik, Anastasia-she, when she visited your room it was the first time in a while were I saw her cry. She wasn't laughing or being funny! She sat holding your almost lifeless hand crying!".

Tatiana then continued rasing her angry voice, "Want to know how our sweet darling Marie felt? She felt the worst out of all of us! Before you were gone, the both of you were so close. Anastasia spent most of her time with Baby and Marie had no one but you! Since you were gone she spent her time flirting with officers trying to take her mind off the pain this man caused our family! Baby wasn't even allowed to be near the room they kept you in. Olga stopped eating! We suffered because of him! Now I understand Valentina, thank you!".

"What happened?"I mumbled. Tatiana looked at me confused. "Come again?"Tatiana said calming down a bit. "What happened to me Tatiana?!"I shouted. Tatiana looked taken back by my question. I felt sudden anger and frustration in me, "All I wanted to know was how I ended up here! What happened Tatiana? Because no one seems to want to tell me! Did you know many times I asked the others and they avoided the question? I think I deserve to know!".

The both of us were up from our chairs standing across each other from the table. Tatiana took a deep breath, "Sit down and I'll explain everything I know.". I followed her orders and the both of us sat across from each other again.

"Before the- everything. In February Rasputin came to visit us. We all were ready for bed. We snuck him into the nursery without our governess seeing him. He saw us in pairs. He took the small pair in a separate room and spoke to them. The door was closed so no one heard a word. Then he took Olga, me, and lastly you. The door wasn't fully closed and Olga and the small pair went to distract the governess. I went up to close the door but what I saw was- it was disturbing. I watched as he stroked your cheek, and how he touch your hair and lips with his hands. But you sat still. I watched as he told you that god wanted him to do this, to 'help' you. You sat with a confused look, not sure what he was taking about but you sat still nodding your head answering 'Yes Father'.". Tatiana took a break and wiped away her swelled eyes.

"I was sure that I must have been tired and that I have imagined it but after that when you came out of the meeting with him. I put my hand on your shoulder and you jumped back by the interaction making me wonder, what else has he done? Indeed there were many rumors spreading around him but none of us want to believe he would do such things. I only saw him do this monstrosity twice. You already know the first incident from your vision and now this one."

I felt shivers go down my spine. I didn't know things were that bad. Tatiana stood up and sat next to me taking me to her embrace. "Valentina Do you still want me to tell you the rest?". I slowly nodded my head.

"That morning you came out of a meeting with Rasputin. You seemed really upset. I saw the tears go down your face and asked, why were you crying? Your answer was that he gave you a beautiful religious speech about life and god. I didn't think much of it and let you run to your room. Later that day all of us were outside and you were playing with Anya in the garden. Mama called for tea and Rasputin had joined us. We all sat together and you sat next to him. While drinking your tea you had a displeased look on your face. You drank all of your tea quickly."Tatiana took a pause and sighed.

"You didn't feel well. You said that you felt light headed. Mama scolded saying that you drank your tea to fast. Shvibzik pleaded for you to continue to play with her in the gardens. You agreed and the both of you excused yourselves to continue your game. You started to chase her, you were so close, but all the sudden you stopped and fell to the ground. Marie watched the scene unfold, letting out a scream and ran towards your still body. Anya turned around and saw you on the ground. Everyone ran to your aid. Eventually you were laid down in a separate room. Mama was in such distress that she didn't even shoo us out."

I kept on listening to the new information that I was learning. I was glad that she was finally opening up to me.

"Rasputin started doing his prayers and by that time Anna shooed us out and after that the next time any of us saw you was laying in the sick room."she finished.