To The End With You

C h a p t e r F i t f t e e n

photo: Grand Duchess Olga Nikolaevna Romanova And her Aunt, Grand Duchess Olga Alexandrovna Romanova 1912

October 1912
I looked at my plate the whole time during dinner. Aunt Olga was having an argument with Grandmother about something family related. When we finished I excused myself, going to my room to paint. This time I decided to paint my Grandmama from 2018. Ella got the paints ready and sat with me knitting while I painted my grandmama. Grandmother let me have painting lessons but I didn't have any today so I decided to paint in my free time. I didn't want to pay attention to or listen to Grandmother's and Aunt Olga's argument.

I was painting for a while since I was already finishing the first half of it. I started to paint my grandmama's bright blue eyes that were always full of love and joy. I always wanted to inherit my mother's blue eyes but got brown ones from my fathers. I felt my eyes water as I colored in the blue eyes of the painting. Then I moved on to coloring in her hair. Focused on my painting I didn't notice when Aunt Olga walked in with teary eyes.

I watched as she asked Ella to stand outside the room. Ella left and it was just my Aunt and me. She sat down next to me, resting her arms against the back of the chair and watched as I continued to paint. "I really like your painting. Who are you painting?"she complimented. I didn't turn to look at her, "It's my Grandmama from 2018.". Aunt Olga stayed quiet. I didn't really care for her presence. I firstly was separated from my family in 2018 and now I've separated from my new family, Tsar Nicolas ii and Tsarina Alexandra. I felt miserable.

"Do you ever feel like you don't belong?"Aunt Olga asked out of the blue. I turned my head and looked at her for the first time. Her red watery eyes were focused on my painting. "No, I'm not sure what you are talking about." I lied. I wasn't about to pour out my feelings to this woman that I met 2 days ago. I already committed this mistake multiple times and got nothing out of it but crazy looks and pity. She turned her head and looked at me. "Valentina, you don't have to lie. Your father has sent me letters. I know what they think of you. Similar if what they think of me."she softly murmured. I sat silent, I was taken back by her statement. But I had to agree with her. They don't think I'm normal. But who would blame them? They don't know anything.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have been so rude. I'm just very angry at your Grandmother. She is so stubborn sometimes."Aunt Olga expressed frustratedly. I put down the paint brush and turned to look at her. "She only wants best for you."I say. Aunt Olga looked at me in a funny way. "Valentina, it's ok to feel different because I feel different too. I don't want to be a Grand Duchess. I want to be normal like everyone else. I-I wish I could have decided who I would have married.".

I was taken back by her statement. Grandmother wants what is best for her, me, and everyone in our family. I didn't like the fact that she disagreed but I didn't want to start an argument because then I would be punished for debating an adult. But again I felt empathy for her. From what I knew about her was she wasn't completely happy most of her life.

"I don't feel that different except the fact that our family doesn't know as much as me."I simply say while picking up my paint brush again. "If you know so much, do you know what will happen to us, our family?"she asked looking for my reaction. A lump in my throat started to grow and my face burned red. I didn't want to say anything and thankfully Grandmother walked in before anything else would happen.

"Olga Alexandrovna? Valentina Nikolaevna? What are you doing?"Grandmother questioned suspiciously. Aunt Olga sat in her chair properly and looked at Grandmother. "We are just having a conversation."Aunt Olga lazily replied not having much care for Grandmother's suspicion. "Valentina."Grandmother looked at me. I looked up at her, "We were talking about Papa and Mama back in Russia.".

Grandmother nodded her head believing my statement. She sat down on the small couch. "Valentina I need you to step out of the room for a second and close the door behind yourself. I need to talk to your Aunt privately."Grandmother ordered. I obeyed her. Since I've been living here in Denmark my Grandmother has given me strict rules to follow or punishment would happen if they were broken. The most important one being to stay with my lady in waiting at all times. I stepped outside and Ella stood there too. I didn't close the door fully on purpose so I could listen in.

"I don't think you should decide on this. She isn't your child. She is Nicky's and you know how upset he would be, especially Alix."Aunt Olga said in a hushed tone. "Well I am her guardian now. They decided it would best for her to stay with me because they couldn't take care of all of their children."Grandmother remarked with a disgusted tone at the end of her sentence. "It's not their fault. Maybe partially, but it's not their fault that Alexei can die at any second and must focus on him. You shouldn't give her the surgery. She will suffer for the rest of her life."I heard Aunt Olga whisper.

My heart stopped, well not really cause I'd be dead. My Grandmother wanted to do surgery on me?! But where, Why? I kept on listening.

"You just can't tamper with her brain! She is to young! Especially the frontal lobe" Aunt Olga muttered. I was scared. Was this what they were arguing about earlier? What if I really did get the surgery? Will I be different? Would I not remember my past? I closed my eyes and felt the tears start to prickle down my cheeks. I felt Ella's stare wondering, why did she let me listen? She was only a few years older then me, 19 years old from England upon my Mama's request. As well as she was engaged already to some Danish officer.

I felt her arms wrapped around me, comforting me as I sobbed in her arms. I need this, at this point I didn't just cry at the fact that I was scared. I cried at the fact that I was alone, I didn't know where my family was, I was separated from my new family, and no one believed.