To The End With You

C h a p t e r S e v e n t e e n

Photo: Grand Duchess Tatiana Nikolaevna doing her work with her older sister Grand Duchess Olga Nikolaevna behind her.

Warning uncomfortable topics ahead

November 1912
Today was the day my family was coming to visit, sort of. The Tsar was only coming with the Big Pair, Tatiana and Olga. As strange as it seemed, Alexei had another episode and Mama had to stay with him because Rasputin would be coming to see him. She didn't want the little pair exposed to such involvement and knowledge the letter stated. The Big Pair was already heavily involved with what was going on so Papa wanted to bring them to accompany me.

I was excited and nervous at the same time. It was almost Olga's birthday. It was tomorrow, November 3rd. Mine was in November too. My birthday was on November 9th. It was odd that our birthdays were so close but again Tatiana and Maria has their birthday in the same week.

I got Olga a bracelet. It was silver with different colored gems on it. Grandmother let me get her something nice at least. She doesn't realize that I know about her plan. I didn't bother telling her because the drama, debating, and yelling would happen later. Aunt Olga was still here. She didn't want to go back to Russia yet. She is really unhappy about her marriage. I can tell the way she talks about her gambling husband.

I needed her here anyways. I needed a voice of reason in the talk they were going to have later. The minute we sent the letter a few weeks later we got one back saying they were setting sail from Russia.

I sat on my bed in silence. Ella was sitting in a love chair in the corner of my room knitting. I stared at the picture Olga gave me when I left Russia. It sat on my night stand next to my lamp. I decided with all the free time, I could finally get to read my diary. I didn't have the courage before to read it because I was scared of what might be written in there. Now I finally had the confidence and full curiosity to read it. Curiosity killed the cat, finally. I got off my bed and got my diary from underneath it and opened to the first page.

***
January 1912
I woke up and ate breakfast with Papa and pairs. Drank tea with mama in the afternoon and had French lessons today. Our friend came to see us today. He came late so we sat in our night attire hiding him from our governess. She didn't like him or when he was around, mama didn't know. Our Governess ordered us not to tell our Mama so she wouldn't know. Our Old Governess was dismissed after she told mama that our friend shouldn't be in our quarters at night.

I didn't like him either. He had done things to me that were unknown to me. I didn't know if they were right or wrong. I didn't know if I should tell mama, Papa, or the pairs. He gave Mashka advice and Nastya a lecture about doing good in life. He spoke to the Big Pair and me separately although I was considered being in the small pair. He firstly talked to the Big Pair and then me. I don't want to write what he told me but I will write this. The entire time he had his hand on my knee and stroke my cheek and back with his cold leathery skin.

***
My mind froze my and my stomach turned in disgust. I don't even have to think about who she was writing about I already knew. I felt like throwing up. I felt dizzy. What else had she written? Do things get more graphic? My mind was running laps. My heart was beating so fast. I felt gross with my body by the image my brain provided me.

I shut the book closed not wanting to open it ever again. I put it underneath my bed again and sat down again and started to knit. I wanted to erase what I had just read. It was gross and saddening what this poor girl had went through. I started to wonder how many times he touched her inappropriately. Did any of her other sisters know? Did Tatiana know? The worst part was that she had no idea what he was doing was wrong.

I felt a tear escape my eye. Poor girl, poor Valentina Nikolaevna. I know that's the name that they call me but to me I'll forever be Valentina Fedorov. I sighed tiredly looking at the hat I was knitting. The yarn was yellow and slowly I was finished making the hat. Grandmother would take all of my creations and sell them for charity.

"Valentina Nikolaevna, your family has arrived."a servant said. I looked up to him and dropped everything I was focused on and ran to the main entrance. Ella followed at a fast pace. As I ran I saw Papa standing with Olga and Tatiana standing behind him giggling while talking to Aunt Olga and Grandmother. "Papa! Olga! Tanya!"I shouted in Russian. All of them turned their attention towards me as I ran towards them.

I stuck out my arms ready to hug my darling Papa. When I got to him I wrapped my arms around his neck and gave him a hug. He returned the gesture and we hugged each other tightly. I felt the stare of Grandmother but payed no attention. "Oh how I missed you my sunshine!"The Tsar exclaimed in joy. "I missed you too Papa!".

We let go of each other and I immediately hugged Olga. She was taken back by the action. I didn't care because I was rude to them. I wanted to change my attitude towards them so decided to start the next time I would see their golden faces. Today was the day were I would be more open to talking to them. "Oh Vanya! You changed so much!"Olga cried out. I let go of her and smiled.

I stopped myself when I looked at Tatiana. She looked the same as the last time I saw her. Except the fact she had gotten a little bit taller. "Vanya"she lightly whispered.