To The End With You

C h a p t e r F o r t y - T w o

Photo: OTMA and Alexei in Livadia for white flower day 1914

August 1914
"I- I need to sit down" Tatiana spoke with one hand on her forehead while the other one held onto a chair, supporting her balance. "Tatya whats wrong?"Olga asked with a face full of concern. She took Tatiana's hand and guided her to a couch nearby. The family meeting ended minutes ago and we went to the big pairs room/ my room. Olga stood by Tatiana while Maria sat on my bed with Anastasia next to her. I was standing on the other side of the room, cracking my fingers out of nervousness.

"I just feel a little dizzy."Tatiana spoke. She shut her eyes, trying to prevent the feeling of dizziness from worsening. "I just can not believe that Germany declared war on us!"expressed Nastya. "Especially since it's our family."Olga added. "Maybe Mama can smooth things over, after all she is German."Maria explained. "I really hope so"Olga anxiously uttered.

"Vanya, are you alright? You are being awfully quiet." Maria asked. "Yes I am fine."I answered. I looked over at Tatiana, she still had her eyes closed. "What are we going to do?"Olga thought out loud. "Well it's quite simple, we are going to try and help our country as much as possible." I stated. "What ever do you mean Vanya?" Maria questioned. "Most likely, actually very likely Papa will help out with the war front and us girls are going to be nurses, the ones that are old enough to be at least." I went more in depth. "Vanya how-,"Maria started.

"I have to go,"Tatiana cut Maria off while getting up. "What? Where?"Olga exclaimed. "The library"she replied. "Tatya, you are making no sense right now."Olga looked over at her younger sister. "Well Nothing is making sense right now!"Tatiana snapped in frustration before slamming the French doors behind her. "What's her problem?"Nastya asked. "I am not sure dear sister but right now we must focus on the war and how to help Russia."Olga declared.

"I'm still in such shock! Germany! Our family, betraying us!"Maria cried out. "I'm sure the problem will be resolved quickly. I mean Mama will talk to them and the situation will calm."Olga tried to comfort. "I just hope Papa won't have to be up in the war front like Vanya said"Anastasia commented. "Of course he won't, the situation will be resolved before drastic measures will have to be taken."Olga gave me a side glare, she was right, I wasn't helping, I was being realistic. "I'm sure Mama and Papa are urgently telegramming Germany right now."

"Or innocent russian lives are getting ready to be led into slaughter." Anastasia muttered. "Anastasia!"Olga scolded. An argument erupted between my sisters and all of this was giving me a bigger headache. "You know what? Everyone just stop talking, be quiet for just a second!"I yelled over them. The three of them stopped and looked over at me.

"You all are freaking out and that is understandable. But let Mama and Papa deal with this. They are the sole rulers of Russia and have absolute power, not us. This is a problem that they need to resolve, not us. Nothing we can plan or tell them will change anything, at most we can push them a certain direction but we all know how strong minded the both of them are. What we need to do now is take a break from all of this because clearly it is driving all of you mad. We can think about helping Russia the next day when Mama and Papa have sorted everything out and have a plan. Then we will be ready to help our people." When I finished my speech the room was silent. The little pair seemed to look at Olga and see what she thought of all of this. They were looking for her guidance since she was the eldest and most composed out of all of us in the room, and was never said to be crazy.

"Vanya- Valentina is right. We should let Mama and Papa do their work and wait. Now we should take our minds off of the possibility of War."Olga stated. "So what do you recommend that we do?"Olga asked while glancing towards my direction. "I have an idea" Anastasia grinned with a hint of mischief.

"You can't catch me!"Anastasie yelled out "Especially you Maria! You fat little bow-wow.". Maria face read that she was hurt. She wasn't even fat, "At least she isn't a scrawny little rodent like you Nastya." Olga fires back. Maria offered Olga a thankful smile as giggles echoed throughout the halls as the three of us chased our youngest sister. "We haven't done this in a long time, right Vanya?" Maria giggled. "What do you mean Maria?" I asked. "Oh маленький цветок, you are so silly! We used to do this all the time!"Olga mentioned. "Wait,"I said, yet none of them stopped chasing Anastasia. "Stop!"

The three of them stopped and turned to look at me. "I- I don't remember what you are talking about, that memory is gone, that version of Valentina is gone."I stated. "After all of this time you still can not remember anything before September of 1912?"Maria inquired. "No, I only have weird visions after terrible things that happen, like the time... the time of my second Baptism."I explained while shivers ran down my spine. I didn't want to seem dramatic but tears started to roll down my face. He wanted to kill me but failed and I suffered after. I stayed up many nights after, wondering what would have happened if he succeeded.

When I recalled Rasputin's icy leathery hands on the back of my neck, forcing me to stay under the water more tears started to pour down. "Is she crying?"I heard Anastasia whisper. "маленький цветокif you want us to know what is troubling you, you must tell us. Are you crying because of that officer again?"Olga said, whispering the last question in my ear which was much appreciated on my part.

"I want to tell you but I can't. I don't want to, I don't want to be seen as crazy or troubled again. That is behind me, I am better now."I managed to say in between tears. I wiped my tears using Maria's handkerchief this time. I used Olga's and I forgot to carry one today. "Oh Vanya it's alright you can tell us anything." said Maria, trying to comfort.

But I couldn't tell them anything because they wouldn't believe me. I have tried once in the past and they told me that I would get better and forget these unusual theories. I need Tatiana, she believed me about Rasputin but god only knows where she went. I am not even sure if she ever went to that library.

"I am sorry for troubling you all, I just broke down after thinking about the war," I lied. "Oh маленький цветок, we all still have this dreary feeling that we can't shake off."Olga assured. "Really? Because I was having a lot of fun until Vanya had to..." Anastasia never ended her sentence due to the daggers that Olga and Maria were sending to her with their eyes. "You know what? Let's go to Mama's parlor room and play the piano! The sound of music always helps in unsure times!"Olga suggested. "That sounds like a wonderful idea! Let's go!"Maria agreed. The three of us started walking to other way as Anastasia followed, complaining that we didn't finish the game.