To The End With You

C h a p t e r T w e n t y-F i v e

Photo: 1913 OTMA with the Tsar and Tsarevich on a walk in the Alexander palace park, Tsarskoe Selo

June 1913
The frustration had gotten to me. When we were leaving Mama insisted that I stay with them. But Grandmother said no and we left for her palace. When we did return I went straight to bed. Ella helped me get ready and let me be. I was so tired that I fell asleep.When I woke up it was still quite early in the morning. I turned on my lamp and got out the diary. I took a deep breath and opened to the second entry and started to read. After all these months, I was finally mentally and emotionally ready.

What was written in this diary was like a tragic story. The Valentina Nikolaevna before, her life was so terrible. For the few months she had before she was put into a coma, she had a lot written. I didn't know what to do, I wanted so badly to comfort her but I'm her. A lot of her entries are written with fear of Rasputin coming or little information given about what did to her during his visits. I have read most of it by the time I turned to one of few pages that I have not read.
***
April 1912
We made a public appearance today. My sisters were dressed all the same, in beautiful white gowns and large elegant hats while I had on a pink dress with no hat. I wasn't escorted like they were. I walked near Anna Vyrubova during the parade. I was confused on, why was I not dressed like them? Why didn't they leave me home like they usually did? It was rare for me to get out of any of our estates. I only was exposed to the public once or twice in my life. But it didn't matter, Papa gave his excellent speech as Tsar. It made my heart warm, I was proud to be standing on the sidelines cheering him on. Then Papa said something in his speech referring to our family, his four daughters.

I was confused and I turned my head to look at Anna but she seemed unfazed by this. Mama kept smiling, so did Olga. Tatiana didn't seem so happy either. Maybe it was a mistake? I knew Papa skipped me. I could tell by the way my sisters smiled and waved to the crowds. Anna instructed me not to do so. But how could he forget about me so quickly?
***
I wiped the tear that rolled down my cheek. She was so alone in many situations where she didn't feel like one of the pairs. I would be lying if I said that she didn't have a friend. Almost all the entries contain of Valentina spending the day with Maria Nikolaevna in some sort of way. She never really mentioned the Big Pair in anyway unless it was something important. From what I could tell from her entries was that she was a melancholy girl with little knowledge on things. She never spoke of mentioning her Rasputin situation to anyone. Her Grandmother, Maria Fedorovna tried so hard to get Valentina to live with her but the Tsar and Tsarina couldn't seem to let her go.

I continued to read her diary until I finished with the remaining pages filled with my scribbles and notes from the year before. My plans on how to rescue the Romanovs and stop Rasputin. But he cannot be stopped. He could never be stopped unless murdered. But I would have to wait for a long while until that would happen.

Ella barged in opening the doors so loudly it made me jump up in shock. "Oh my! Valentina I'm sorry I thought that you were sleeping." She apologized. "Why are you so noisy?"I asked a little annoyed. Ella chuckled, "You are quite the heavy sleeper. I once knocked over one of your books by accident and it caused such a loud noise the servants came in to check on what happened. But you were still sleeping."

I felt embarrassed about it. My face turned red as I looked away from Ella. I got up out of bed and Ella got my things ready for my cold bath.

***

After my bath I put on a navy blue skirt with a blouse tucked it. I was not fond of the corsets I had to wear, but wearing them for nine months had gotten me used to them. Ella braided my hair and I went to breakfast, today we sat at the balcony. Grandmother was sitting already with a newspaper in her hands. "Good morning Grandmama." I exclaimed giving her a kiss on the cheek.

She smiled at me as I took a seat next to her. The servants brought in the food and for breakfast I was blessed with scrambled eggs. I started to eat not paying attention to anything until I felt the stare of my Grandmother. "Have you lost your table manners?"she asked. I stopped stuffing my face with the small portion of scrambled eggs that I had.

One of the many things that I missed about my privileges in 2018(apart from my freedom as a woman) was that I had full control of my meal portions. I could eat as much as I'd like without anyone telling me that I couldn't. No one really cared about my table manners either. "I'm so sorry Grandmama."I apologized after swallowing the scrambled eggs. She just nodded her head and looked out at the garden. I looked over to see that she wasn't eating, "Why aren't you eating?"I asked.

She turned and looked at me, "I don't have the appetite."I nodded my head while continuing to finish my breakfast. "We are are going to Tsarskoye Selo to visit your family."she informed. I stayed silent and finished the sandwich I had on my plate. I felt the stare of my Grandmother, I looked away not making eye contact. "Is something wrong?"she asked. I looked at her. "No"I said after swallowing the food that was in my mouth. She caught me off guard when she put her hand on mine. Her expression changed, "Valentina if there is anything bothering you, you can let me know."I looked into her eyes, full of sorrow. I nodded my head silently. She still held my hand for a few seconds too long before letting go.