"Mama, save me! Mama!! I'm scared, help me. Mama!!"
"Joseph...."
"Joseph!" I gasp awake, breathless every night. Then looking around and tears tickle my eyes once again. I reach for the bottle of liquor, my solace, and realize it's empty, I've run out of alcohol.
I got out of bed and then, grabbing a jacket, I went out in the cold to find a liquor store.
(Walking under the skylight)
As a child I never let myself fully cry, for it was an ever disadvantage in the place that I was raised, black women, we are raised to stand our grounds and be strong no matter what the circumstance might be. To cry was to be called weak. If I cried I'd be "given something to cry about."
Until I met Luke and the act of crying for my own pain was literally beaten into me. But, what am I supposed to do here? No one taught me how to deal with this, I can't cry, I can't breathe. How do I stop myself from reliving this unending agony? When no amount of tears is nearly enough to quench the pain I feel inside.
Teary, I browsed through a liquor store and picked up some bottles.
I returned home to find mama waiting in the living room, she clearly had something to get off her chest.
"You okay?" She asked the guiltiest questions.
"I don't know how to answer that? You tell me if I'm doing okay, do I look happy?" I tapped a bottle and took a gulp.
"How long are you going to be like this, Jane? It's been six months, you can't go on like this. I miss my grandbaby too, you don't think this hurts me."
"Act like it, not that I expect any of you to understand, he was my baby, MINE!"
"And what about James and Zoe? Aren't they your babies too, Joseph is gone, those two are all you have left, they should be your only reason to want to wake up in the morning and want to live another day."
"Oh, spare me this sermon." I took another gulp.
"When was the last time you looked at your kids, Jane, especially James, that boy feels guilty enough, and you acting like it's his fault makes it all worse."
"Luke was a monster, I agree, but that boy, he didn't only save himself, he left my baby alone in that fire, and ran with his father. How can I let that go?"
"He's a kid."
"He was supposed to protect him, he had one Job, one damn job." He just had look after his brother.
Just then James slammed his way through the door, "I'm going to bed." One glare towards me, he walked away.
"James, James get your ass back here!!" I yelled after me, he didn't answer and slammed the door to his room harder than usual, "You see, that boy is turning just like his father. Not in my house he won't. Hell no!! He has to go to boarding school."
"Enough, Jane. That's enough!"
"You're right, it's your fault, you spoiled him."
"You can't blame the boy for your mistakes, Jane, not this time, you choose that man every time before your own children, you didn't protect them when you had the chance, as a result, you lost Joseph, you can't put that on anyone but yourself."
That was the ice on the coke to make me snap.
"How dare you?!! Everything I've done, I've done for my children, which is more than you've done for Chante and I all ourselves, so don't you stand there acting all motherly and calling me a bad mother, cuz you have no idea the lengths I've gone to protect them, my children, you don't know the pain I've had to endure, you have absolutely no idea."
