"Jane, why in the hell would you come back here." Mamma said in fear and panic as she patted the chair for me to sit.
I sat with a sigh,
"He found me."
"How?"
"I was hoping you would tell me, you and father were the only people who knew where we were."
She gasped offended, "You think I waste my time talking to that man, forgive me lord but half of the time all I want to do is glide a knife through the man's throat."
"If you didn't who did, I know father wouldn't. But Chante--"
"Don't you drag her into this..."
"Did you say anything to her, Mamma?"
"Chante didn't do this. Luke must have gone through the community somehow." She said in a discerning tone.
"I'm losing my mind, Mamma." I ran my hand through my hair subconsciously,
"Has that monster laid his hands on you yet."
I shook my heads in response. "It's actually been the opposite."
"Still you should get the boys and move here--"
"The boys are away." I cut in.
"You left them behind!"
"No, Luke sent them away so we could talk and settle things."
"Jane." Mamma got up to her feet to understand what I was saying properly. "Where are my grandbabies?"
"They are safe.."
"You don't know where that white man took your kids?!" She exclaimed in a terrified tone. "Have you not been watching the news?"
"Mamma, the kids are fine. I speak to them all the time. And honestly, I think it's for the best, I really don't want them involved in this situation or see me like this-"
"He's going to hurt those kids?"
I shook my head in disapproval, "Luke is vicious and manipulative but he would never hurt the kids, they are his kids too."
"You still have so much faith in him, even after everything he's done."
I heave a depleted sigh and stared out for a moment.
"When are you filing for a divorce?" She waved in.
"It's not that easy," I whisper.
"What's so hard about it?"
"Luke would never grant me a divorce. Even if by some miracle he does divorce me, he's going to win my kids and then what?"
"You keep fighting.."
"I can't fight him, I have no more strength left in me to fight and I don't think running from Luke is the solution anymore, he's always going to find me."
"Jane, what's gotten into you!? It's like you've given up on life."
"I've fought back mamma. I have done absolutely everything to get away from Luke, everything, but somehow I still end up here, in the same spot, everytime, what does that says?"
"It says you are not fighting hard enough..."
I scoffed and sighed, "I don't think you get it."
I don't think anyone gets it, no one gets that I feel worse when I'm away from him.
"Oh I get it, I get you don't want to get help, and you can want all your life to want to help someone but if they don't want to get it ain't gonna happen." She got up and rinsed the cups.
"Mamma, I've tried to run away from this, run away from Luke and I can't anymore --"
"Jane, you can't just run from your problems and expect it to just disappear, it's not magic, running should also mean you are ready to fight it. You get up and decided enough is enough, I have reached my breaking point, I can take this no more, I'm ready to fight back with every fiber in my being, every pain, every strength. You set them all on the table and pour that hot larva on him."
"You basically saying kill the man.."
"By any means necessary, a man like that shouldn't be on the streets anyway—"
"Mamma?!"
"Next time he lays his hands on you, you grab that knife and cut him.."
"Mamma?!" I exclaimed even more alarmed, "I'm not killing anyone..."
"You don't have to kill him, break his leg, he can't touch you if he can't walk to you..."
I just start laughing not able to curtail her, "How they make you in charge of Sunday school, you are crazy. I worry for them kids."
"Jane, you need to stop laughing and take this seriously. Baby girl, you've got to stand up and fight for yourself. No one is going to fight your physical battles but you, at least do it for those kids."
"Thanks, mamma." I reached for a hug.
"Think about what I said." She says into my ear before breaking away, "And, It's also about time you return to church, you're life hasn't been the same since you walked away from God."
I smiled and got up to leave.
"I will pray for you now." She took my hands and beseeched for me, then she escorted me to the door.
"Bye, mamma."
"Hope to see you on Sunday." She waved and watched me get into the car.
I can't remember the last time I stepped into a church, or prayed to God for anything. Before Luke and I got married I was an active member in the church, I sang in the choir, I even lead a sermon every Tuesday morning for women.
My life was almost perfect, I had a purpose, a connection to God. But then Luke came along with his sweet talks and sexual fantasies, and without knowing I drifted.
It started with missing one communion, to not taking communion at all, making excuses not to lead the sermon on Tuesday's, showing up after service, and then to not showing up at all,
Mamma and everyone else in the church said it was a bad sign, they said a white man wouldn't understand God the way a black man would because they don't have it as hard as we do,
I thought it was racist, so I got mad and stopped going at all. But sometimes when I'm alone I wonder what my life would have been like if I had just listened to those voices and stayed in church.
