Song: Father can you hear me- Tyler Emmitt Perry
I pulled out the comforter and got out of bed, I heard laughs as I went downstairs and saw Mamma and the boys all dressed up.
"What's going on?"
"It's Sunday morning. We go to church on Sunday mornings." Mamma was sarcastic, I rolled my eyes with a sigh, she never got over me leaving church for Luke. "You should come, there's always room in the house of God."
"I don't want to go to church, mamma."
"Okay." She doesn't argue surprisingly, "If you change your mind, you know where to find us. C'mon boys, let's go."
"Bye, mamma." The boys said as they hurried out of the door with mamma. I stood by the window watching them driveway, wondering...
I turned around to head upstairs to the room when I noticed mama's Bible lying on the table, she never goes anywhere without it.
I scoffed, and was tempted to just walk away, but on a second glance I picked it up.
I opened the first page, they were Bible phrases and words inscribed in mamma's handwriting all over it. The last message hit me like a hurricane.
I just burst into tears.
I walked into church for the first time in the last thirteen years, I felt like a prodigal daughter who just returned home after so many years. .
Mother was singing, and started crying when she saw me walking in, everyone stared in shock seeing me again.
"Ain't that Nanda's baby girl?" I heard someone whisper.
"Oh, hallelujah, thank you, Jesus!" Another yelled between the murmurs and gasps.
As I ambled my focus was on Mamma who was singing with so much devotion. My hand went to my heart as I slowly started singing with her.
🎶 Father can You hear me
We need Your love today
I know that You are listening.... 🎶
My voice rolled over the hills in sorrowful waves.
Swells of power rising up in my throat, my voice pitching in a fit of rage, of pain.
🎶Ooh Lord can You heal even me Lord
See I'm coming to You Lord
Just as I am
I'm in need of the blood of the lamb
Oh my oh my soul say yes, yes ooh yes....🎶
Little by little I reached my height and dropped to my knees with the last breath I had been pulled from my lungs but I didn't stop singing,
🎶 Can You heal even me Lord
I know I can't do this by myself
I surrender, oh yeah oh yea yeah ooh....🎶
I just kept singing, Mamma didn't stop either .
The choir backed us up, followed by the pastor and everyone else in the church, and it soon became a ruckus of blissful praise.
For the past few days the kids and I would visit Luke in the hospital, we would walk into the room to witness the increasing number of gifts, flowers, recovery cards giving to him by the community and well wishers, no one cares what he did, they just want him to get well soon,
"This is so cool, can I keep it?" James is overjoyed with the signed Jerseys by the local team and so is Joseph, they each grab one for themselves and Luke is thrilled with their presence.
I stood at a distance, just at the end of the room riled, watching the kids converse with their father like everything was okay.
"Boys it's time to go." I cut in.
"But we just got here." They wine.
"Well, your father needs to rest," I objected and they groaned in annoyance, "You two wait outside? I need to talk to your father for a minute."
"Bye, dad. See you soon." They wave at their father. He is too weak to move, he just smiles and watches them leave.
Luke fixed his gaze on the ceiling, quiet, as if waiting for my reaction. I have all these mixed emotions, for days have wanted to yell and scream at him, but every time I look at him all that anger disappears and I feel the need to sympathize with him.
"How are you feeling?"
"Better."
He's still unable to look at me, it's been like that for days now.
"I'm glad you're okay, you would be moved to a private ward." I took the empty seat beside me, "The doctors are saying it's going to take a while for you to recover so---"
I was completely stunned by his next words,
"I'm sorry."
He turned to look at me, and I fluttered. It's like we've been playing this mono word game for days, it's good to hear him say something else for a change.
"I know you're mad, Jane. You have every right to be."
I cleared my throat,
"I didn't know....I had no idea that you were..." I couldn't complete the sentence, "I mean... I...I."
Luke reached and brushed my hand, squeezing it,
"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, Jane. But, I'm not suicidal like you might think...I just wasn't thinking at that moment. I flipped when your lawyer sent those divorce papers with your signature all over them, my insecurity got the best of me when I reached for that gun. Jane, I never learned to live without you, and I didn't want to. I wanted to put an end to everything before I realize I've lost you forever....This is not a justification, Jane. What I did was wrong, I just want you to know how I felt and how ashamed I am of it."
He kept holding onto my hand, caressing it.
I sniffled, saying.
"Acting like the victim isn't going to help you this time, Luke. You know why you tried to kill yourself, it was never because of me. It's because you couldn't control the situation this time, more or less your emotions, you couldn't stand one more person walking out of your life, and you choose the easy way out instead of taking the blame or any responsibility at all, you decided to end your life. . Did you even stop to think of our kids, or what this could have done to them? The trauma alone would have completely destroyed them, shattered every hope they had."
"I'm sorry."
"No, Luke...not this time, you crossed all limits."
"JANE--"
I grabbed my things and walked away without another glance.
